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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to drive?

89 replies

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 15:01

background - learned to drive at 17/18, failed four tests mainly due to extreme nerves and not being very good at manoeuvres. I lived in the sticks then so it seemed more important

Am now 30 and still don't drive but live somewhere where everything is accessible. Not hugely bothered by it, happy to cycle etc. DP has really been making a thing of me not driving, saying why wont I take a test as it would make things much easier. I kind of see his point in that he drives everywhere but I don't ask for lifts, we have no dc to ferry around etc. Feel like I'm being pressured to do it just for his benefit. The tests I did do I found horribly traumatic and I doubt I'd ever be able to pass a test anyway, they must be much harder now! AIBU and should I try it or just stay as I am?

OP posts:

53rdAndBird · 25/01/2017 16:51

I can't drive (for MN-acceptable medical reasons) and honestly, I have not found it to be the massively limiting nightmare that many drivers assume it must be.

I think that for many people who rely on driving, it's very difficult to imagine how anyone copes without. But if you are coping fine without, and it's not inconveniencing your DP, then why do it just because he feels like you should? Does he have a reason why?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 25/01/2017 16:51

I felt the exact same as you, but ended up learning to drive. It's one of the best things I ever did. You don't have to run a car but you'll have the option. You never know where life will take you
Do you plan on having kids? Are you definitely going to stay in the same place with good transport links forever? For example I'm applying for jobs at the moment and have so many more options as I can drive.

Shakey15000 · 25/01/2017 16:56

Stay as you are

There's no law says you have to, you have transport links and if you don't want to then just...don't!

But yes, there's a raft of folk who will insist you are unreasonable. I choose not to drive as I am spectacularly shit at it. Some people are safer not driving- that's me.

EweAreHere · 25/01/2017 16:57

Unless there is a medical reason why someone cannot drive, I would strongly advise my children not to marry someone in future if they cannot drive. It can be life limiting. People don't always stay in areas with great public transportation; people move; people travel; people have to get people to multiple places in short periods of time. It does limit options for a couple and for a family. And it is a burden on the person who must always be the driver if they want to go someplace that requires a car.

I think it's selfish to not learn how to operate a vehicle.

Original poster

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 16:58

I do get that my options will be greater and there are morning's when it's wet and windy where I wish I didn't have to cycle! But the point is dp can offer no real good reason other than it'll be easier for him that I should do it. I've pointed out to him the fact it doesn't really impact him but he just keeps repeating 'i don't know why you wouldn't' and when I say I don't want to he says that's not a reason, and he'd drop it if I would just be honest he has form for being quite pushy - often gets on at me for something and says my responses aren't true etc - but that's another issue! I guess I just feel a bit resentful at being pushed into something. We've been together five years and its never been an issue!

OP posts:

Imamouseduh · 25/01/2017 16:58

So why are you even posting here? You clearly have no intention of learning. despite being given multiple good reasons why it might be fairer on your husband if you did.

53rdAndBird · 25/01/2017 17:02

he has form for being quite pushy - often gets on at me for something and says my responses aren't true etc

Driving aside, that's a pretty shit way to behave to someone you're in a relationship with. There's "pushy" and there's "disrespectful bulldozing"...

ISaySteadyOn · 25/01/2017 17:03

I hate these threads but doggedly post anyway. Some people are not safe to drive. I am one of them. I am dyspraxic and I have no peripheral vision in my left eye. I therefore do not drive.
I also have 3 DC and manage to get us all to dentist appointments, doctor's appointments and ballet by walking.

Maybe if more people took themselves off the road, air quality would improve and there would be fewer road accidents.

So, OP, yanbu.

Euripidesralph · 25/01/2017 17:05

I'm torn because on one level your dp sounds on reasonably pushy and not listening or considering how you feel

However I do think non driversmoking are oblivirus to the impact on others my ex dh could only ride a motorbike until ds1 was born and still very very rarely drove , he may not have asked for lifts but there were certain needs if we went out as a family and a expectation that I drive

I've had friends like this as well , only one of whom legitimately did not ask for lifts and had no expectation at all....in fact she would often turn them down

The others wold say they didn't expect it but would be somewhat passive aggressive and there would be an expectation

So I think you are both BU to be honest

OccasionalNachos · 25/01/2017 17:11

YANBU op. I have passed my test, which seems to be somewhat acceptable, but I am a dreadful, nervous driver. Whilst I can drive from a to b on major roads, I cannot competently:
Parallel park
Park in a car park
Judge narrow gaps
Reverse

Therefore I cannot functionally operate a car. I cycle & public transport most of the time.

I can see where your DP is coming from but he is not being fair. Seems to think his opinion matters more than yours. Mine has been the same about driving in the past - it dissipated a few years ago when I spent the cost of a decent holiday on a set of refresher lessons - and it's unpleasant. Sorry to hear it's getting to you.

HedgeSparrow · 25/01/2017 17:11

Honestly I can see both sides. I didn't learn to drive until I was in my early thirties (now late thirties). We live in a city with excellent public transport and have had some great holidays (even travelled round the US on a combination of buses and trains which everyone said would be impossible). DH couldn't drive either.

However, having said all that, learning to drive is genuinely once of the most satisfying and emancipating things I have ever done. The freedom and opportunities it opens up are immense. It was hard going (I passed on my 4th attempt) BUT if you have the money and don't have any prohibitive health issues, you'll seriously never regret it.

picklemepopcorn · 25/01/2017 17:12

Why ask then?

I get that you have massive anxiety about it, but the answer to that is to address the anxiety not avoid the fear. From experience, anxiety spreads to other issues.

Your DP will limit his life choices (where to live, have a holiday etc) if he stays with you. He may get offered a job somewhere really exciting, but not be able to take it because of you. It sounds like it is a big thing for him as well as for you, or he wouldn't be pushing it. People hold events (weddings, parties) in places which don't have late night transport.

My husband has reasons for not driving, too. I have to battle my own resentment about the limits it places on us on a regular basis.

Anyway, I'm off, because I am getting strident and don't want to be rude.

Shakey15000 · 25/01/2017 17:12

I think it's "selfish" to operate a vehicle without competency or confidence but hey ho.

Original poster

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 17:13

53rd I don't know if he means to be like it, I often wonder if he's on the spectrum as he has very fixed ideas. Just saying I don't want to do something is never good enough - he starts saying I'm 'withholding information' and there must be more to it. It's exhausting as I'm then left trying to think of a reason that isn't there!

Appreciate all the comments (even ones calling me selfish!) Is definitely something to think about for the future. But it'll be if and when I feel up to it not on dps orders

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 25/01/2017 17:15

If you can get everywhere you need to go without asking for lifts then there's no real need to drive. But by everywhere I also mean things like having a lovely long weekend somewhere, or going out for a day out, not just the mundane day to day stuff.

5foot5 · 25/01/2017 17:16

Mumsnet is a bit weird about it though
and
But yes, there's a raft of folk who will insist you are unreasonable.

Actually I don't think it is all that weird that, when an OP has asked "AIBU not to learn to drive", a substantial number of people don't exactly say YABU but do point out the limitations and drawbacks of not being able to drive.

OP your life might work now as a non-driver but in the future your circumstances could change and you find yourself really needing to.

Surreyblah · 25/01/2017 17:17

So you're dismissing his U behaviour as being due to him (perhaps, you think) not being neurotypical?!

littlemissangrypants · 25/01/2017 17:19

I am another non driver. I can't drive due to heart condition and very low blood pressure. On a bad day I faint ten plus times. Low blood pressure is not treated in this country so my quality of life has suffered a lot. I did however get my kids to 11 and 12 without a car and now have a partner who loves to drive.
My sons are now 15 and 17 and have a good life. They walk a lot, can use trains and buses with confidence and the eldest is thinking about learning to drive. The younger one has dyspraxia so he may struggle to learn to drive.
Not driving is not the end of the world. I have asked my partner if he ever resents me for not driving but he always says he'd prefer me alive rather than fainting behind the wheel of a car and dying. Loving partners consider their partners needs as well as their own.
If it's really a deal breaker for your partner walk away. Don't let resentment build up it will only lead to heartbreak.

Original poster

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 17:19

No not at all, have got sidelined into a whole different issue! Just trying to show that its quite difficult communicating with him about it.

OP posts:

RebootYourEngine · 25/01/2017 17:21

I would love to be able to drive. I have taken lessons but i was so nervous and anxious and scared before each and every lesson. I hated driving. I want to pass my test, get a car and drive where i want to go.

dollydaydream114 · 25/01/2017 17:29

I'm 40, I don't drive and it's absolutely fine. It's never really caused me any problems. DP loves driving, so is more than happy for me to a passenger if we go out in the car, but I don't ever ask him for lifts if I'm going somewhere without him (eg I have a hospital appointment tomorrow and will be going by bus) and I managed perfectly well for many years before I met him.

I can only think of one occasion when I've asked someone else if they would drive me somewhere, and that was when I moved to a new flat and my dad drove the van - and of course, if he hadn't been able to do it I could easily have got a removals firm to do it.

YANBU at all - it's not compulsory and, quite simply, not everyone is well-suited to driving. I know quite a few other people who don't drive, and learning is an awful lot of money, stress and effort to invest in something you don't actually want to do. It's not your DP's decision.

Guitargirl · 25/01/2017 17:37

I passed my test at 17 but I don't drive now. We live in zone 2 in London and there just isn't a need to drive. DP never learned to drive (long story there) so we are a car-free household which I know will be unfathomable to some.

We go on nice holidays by public transport, can get to all the London airports within an hour, we're 20 minutes from the Eurostar. DP walks to work and I go on the bus. DC's school is 2 mins walk around the corner. We get our food shopping delivered but there are also plenty of supermarkets around. 10 mins walk to the GP and dentist. 5 mins walk to a bus stop which can get us around London.

And as a bonus, I feel less guilty about being not environmentally-friendly in other areas of my life!

Pythonesque · 25/01/2017 17:49

Sounds to me like you should turn this one slightly on its head. Next time your partner suggests you should learn to drive, why not consider suggesting that if he is happy to supervise you you'll get a learners permit and see if you can master driving with him. Don't commit to necessarily passing your test, just to seeing if you can get comfortable driving with supervision. That would give you an opportunity to get past the old anxieties, and hopefully you would then know that in a dire emergency you had basic driving skills. (or, worst case scenario, you demonstrate after a period of time that it's not worth trying to make you a driver)

Don't think about sitting a test until and unless it starts to feel an appropriate thing to do.

My b-in-law can drive but, especially in the UK, chooses not to as he is very colour-blind. Not having grown up here he finds the layout of traffic lights particularly confusing. There are times when for my sister's sake I really wish he did drive, it does make her life harder sometimes. At least I know that if they got stuck he could still get them out of a spot. And it would probably be much less of an issue if they didn't have children.

To the OP - good luck whatever you decide.

happypoobum · 25/01/2017 17:50

YANBU - If you don't want to drive then don't.

Original poster

Albatross26 · 25/01/2017 17:53

Thanks for all the balanced replies! Interesting to see what other people do. I'm totally not ruling it out, but he will have to be a bit less pushy. Maybe now I'm older I wouldn't get such test terror, who knows. Will have a proper chat with dp, explain where I'm coming from but let him know I appreciate what he's saying too :)

OP posts:

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