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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to be furious about the way my DH spoke to me?

111 replies

TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 14:02

So I work part time. I have my own account and my very small wages go in to it. I pay for the family car, fuel, insurance, my pension, kids pocket money, kids phones, kids clothes, dog insurance and food etc etc.

My DH has a very big important job Hmm but my job is important to me.

Eldest DD 12 has high temperature. I have my annual appraisal this morning which needs to be submitted to meet targets. Line manager not in after today so last chance to do it. My dad kindly offered to sit with my DD (who was asleep) so that I could do my appraisal and then would come home and have to make up time.

My DH got really annoyed and said one of us should stay with her and as his "job was important and earns the main wage" and that "it didn't matter" if my HR record was affected as my job is "not important!" I was furious by this as I feel like, although my DD is poorly, she is 12, asleep, there is someone here with her, and she is not throwing up or crying in pain.

Although my job is annoyingly low paid it is very technical and there is no one that can pick it up. I only work 2 days a week, and do not get paid for time off with children.

He then said he could work from home and but that it wouldn't go down well at work.

I was really upset by his wording and the way in which he spoke to me.
He made me feel exceptionally guilty about considering going in for 3 hours. He doesn't understand why I am being so "dramatic" or upset about what he said.

AIBU to be disappointed and angry at him?

OP posts:
Rorylemony · 24/01/2017 18:09

Your relationship is not equal. He has no respect for you. From the Louth le you've posted his behaviour is getting worse and the argument this morning was not about childcare for a 12 year old. Sorry but I feel furious on your behalf.

LucklessMonster · 24/01/2017 18:29

You're scared of your husband. This is an abusive relationship and you aren't the abuser.

I'm going to guess that you don't think you could cope as a single parent away from him, but you can. If you want to know your options you can call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

honeylulu · 24/01/2017 18:31

Why is he allowed to get angry? Why do you have to hide your feelings?
Because he thinks his feelings are "special" and you don't deserve to have any that he disapproves of? Have a think about that ...

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 20:12

Well he came back later than he normally would. My dad had stayed for dinner. I was polite to DH. He then said "another nice evening" sarcastically. He was silent through dinner even though my youngest DD7 was chatting merrily away. Then he slammed some stuff around, threw a tea towel across the room which sent glasses flying on to the floor. Shouted to my youngest DD "never be an outsider, looks like bloods thicker than water, I'm leaving".

I'm terrified of him coming back, mortified that he was suggesting that my poor dad has some involvement in this ? and not really understanding.

He doesn't like how close I am to my dad, we get on really well and I see him daily in week whilst DH at work. My mum died a while ago and I go dog walking with him etc.

I feel so ill.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 24/01/2017 20:15

That is really worrying behaviour MrsPine. He sounds really unstable. Is this unusual behaviour for him?

ohfourfoxache · 24/01/2017 20:31

First things first- are you and the Dc safe?

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 21:22

Yes thank you four he has gone. I don't know where but at least not here.

OP posts:
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 24/01/2017 21:26

just wanted to say, my first instinct when i read your latest update is, i hope your dad stayed... i'd be worried what his mood would be on his return...

i hope you are ok.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 24/01/2017 21:29

oops, just re-read my awful grammar, sorry. hope your dad stayed to make sure you're ok, in case dh comes back in a rage.

RogueStar01 · 24/01/2017 21:41

I agree that sounds very odd behaviour and it all seems over very little on his part - acting violently because you got your dad to watch your elder dd so you could go to work.

CocoaX · 24/01/2017 21:42

Oh God, he sounds like a controller. He is threatened by your dad because then it's not him in control.

sotiredbutworthit · 24/01/2017 21:45

He sounds awful! Talk about controlling! Doesn't like the dog food, complains about how much stuff costs, doesn't like how close you are to your dad, belittles your job. You need to get out fast. It isn't healthy. Xxxxxx

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/01/2017 21:49

Now you know for sure that you weren't being unreasonable about his earlier behaviour. He really is acting very badly, this isn't a misunderstanding or a stupid row that happens when people are rushing around in the morning. Don't doubt yourself.

Only you know if his behaviour is worryingly out of character or an extreme version of what has gone before. I have a suspicion it's the latter.

If it is out of character is he under a lot of stress at work?
If it's not out of character then consider ringing Women's Aid.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 24/01/2017 22:20

Has he come back? Are you ok? What does dad think?

Noctilucent · 24/01/2017 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naicehamshop · 24/01/2017 22:36

Hope you are OK op.

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 25/01/2017 09:04

So DH returned last night slept in spare room and got up and left for work early this morning.

Didn't come and say anything.

There is an added complication in our living arrangements which I didn't want to disclose as would out me. My dad lives on site but not in the same house - think annexe. He owns half the house. It was my DHs decision to redevelop my dads old house - which I grew up in as a child, and all live in close proximity. I raised concerns about this at the time.

My dad eats with us a few times a week, apart from that, that's the only time my DH spends with him as he is not intrusive at all.

OP posts:
CocoaX · 25/01/2017 09:12

Who owns the property you all live in? Don't disclose information that compromises your anonymity - the best thing to do would be get legal advice to clarify your position re the marital home.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/01/2017 14:04

I have in a particularly dark period suggested we would both be happier separately - at the time he said that this was emotional blackmail.

  1. No it's not, it's stating a fact. What he did to you this morning was emotional blackmail.

  2. You don't need his permission to end your marriage. If one person wants to seperate, the other one cannot force them to stay. You don't even need to give him reasons.

ScrambledSmegs · 25/01/2017 14:06

Oops, I meant yesterday morning.

He's being an arse. I think Hully's suggestion is quite apt, really.

RogueStar01 · 25/01/2017 22:37

It all seems a massive overreaction to me, you did nothing wrong, he acted like an arse and know he's punishing you with the silent treatment. No good.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 25/01/2017 22:44

I, too, am concerned for your safety. Are you ok?

How much does your dad know of the situation? If you're living so close, I assume he's aware. It sounds like he's a good support to you.

I agree with a PP who said go back to work full time. You are capable and strong. Don't let him beat you down.

MilesHuntsWig · 25/01/2017 22:47

He is clearly being an arse, but in that situation he prob feels resentful as he thinks he is being ganged up on (even though it's not true!) so you're unlikely to have a rational discussion with him.

Do you know what you want? Had you thought of counselling to get an impartial person to talk to you both (away from relatives, kids, house etc)?

Lorelei76 · 25/01/2017 23:02

Wow he's a horrible person
Sorry but you feeling ill is probably realisation kicking in
Why is all the kids stuff paid from your wage? Is he their dad or are they DC from a previous relationship - well even if he is their stepdad it's appalling.

SapphireStrange · 26/01/2017 16:06

looks like bloods thicker than water

Is he not her biological dad?

Not that that matters really. His behaviour is very worrying. Stay safe, OP.

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