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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to be furious about the way my DH spoke to me?

111 replies

TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 14:02

So I work part time. I have my own account and my very small wages go in to it. I pay for the family car, fuel, insurance, my pension, kids pocket money, kids phones, kids clothes, dog insurance and food etc etc.

My DH has a very big important job Hmm but my job is important to me.

Eldest DD 12 has high temperature. I have my annual appraisal this morning which needs to be submitted to meet targets. Line manager not in after today so last chance to do it. My dad kindly offered to sit with my DD (who was asleep) so that I could do my appraisal and then would come home and have to make up time.

My DH got really annoyed and said one of us should stay with her and as his "job was important and earns the main wage" and that "it didn't matter" if my HR record was affected as my job is "not important!" I was furious by this as I feel like, although my DD is poorly, she is 12, asleep, there is someone here with her, and she is not throwing up or crying in pain.

Although my job is annoyingly low paid it is very technical and there is no one that can pick it up. I only work 2 days a week, and do not get paid for time off with children.

He then said he could work from home and but that it wouldn't go down well at work.

I was really upset by his wording and the way in which he spoke to me.
He made me feel exceptionally guilty about considering going in for 3 hours. He doesn't understand why I am being so "dramatic" or upset about what he said.

AIBU to be disappointed and angry at him?

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 24/01/2017 14:38

Well my DH2b earns 6 times what I do. He would never, ever say that about my job. He also works 50 hrs a week compared to my 15 so I do the housework, cooking etc as basically, it's all done by the time he gets in. My choice, I'm the Tasmanian devil at home, but every single mealtime, work clothes ironed, etc, he says thank you EVERY SINGLE TIME.

(Drives me potty sometimes Grin)

Klaphat · 24/01/2017 14:39

It sounds worryingly like he would prefer for you to have much less autonomy. Of course you need your own work prospects and earning potential. Of course you can make the decision to prioritise work over staying at home with a 12 year old. He does, doesn't he?

dollydaydream114 · 24/01/2017 14:46

He's being a twat.

Surely he should be pleased and grateful that your dad has offered to keep an eye on your daughter while she's not well, enabling you to go to work? Your daughter is 12 and your dad is more than capable of getting her a drink and a snack or some paracetamol if she needs it. She doesn't need either of you there - and if your DH thinks she does, he can stay home himself. He's not going to get sacked from his big and important job for one emergency, and unlike you he doesn't have a deadline to meet today.

FetchezLaVache · 24/01/2017 14:48

Given that you had arranged alternative childcare so as not to inconvenience him, it's not even that he resents your job impacting on his "very important" job. He resents it being accorded any importance at all.

^^This. Knobber.

RogueStar01 · 24/01/2017 14:52

what kurri said. If my DH treated me like this I'd be stepping up my hours and forcing him to step up at home. Are you generally happy with him? I can't for the life of me understand him complaining about you daring to get another family member to watch a 12 yo for a few hours!

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 14:54

I have told him well, shouted this morning. We have in the past discussed the lack of housework, cooking etc.

Nothing ever changes.

But yes, he can be very generous & is very hands on with the kids. I do feel frustrated with his attitude and the lack of willingness to change to a degree.

My dad is more than capable, he climbed Snowden a few weeks ago and looks after the DDs after school on the two days I work. He is fab.

I am disappointed by the message it sends to my daughters as sadly my younger one heard the conversation.

OP posts:
RhodaBorrocks · 24/01/2017 14:56

So basically he tolerates you having "a little job, to keep her happy" and probably sees it as not much more than a hobby.

What a misogynist.

FWIW I would have been left alone if ill at age 12 whilst my mum went out to work for 4 hours. You've done your duty as a parent and arranged suitable care for DD. I can't see why he'd object to that unless his genuine belief is that your place is at home.

Tosser.

SapphireStrange · 24/01/2017 14:58

he can be very generous & is very hands on with the kids

Doesn't matter a jot. I'm sure YOU are very hands on with the kids too, but do you get a round of applause for that? No? Thought not.

Change what YOU do rather than trying to change him. Make a cooking/household rota. Show it to him and explain it to him. Do your stints. Do not do anything for him when it's not your stint.

CommonFramework · 24/01/2017 15:02

I work part time. I have my own account and my very small wages go in to it. I pay for the family car, fuel, insurance, my pension, kids pocket money, kids phones, kids clothes, dog insurance and food etc etc.

Your h is a twat. What is it with men like this?? There's another similar post. today. He's the big I am; you're a nobody. Lovely.

It seems that you're paying for a lot from your salary; do you and h have a similar amount of money each to spend at the end of every month??

YWNBU re your dd today.

RogueStar01 · 24/01/2017 15:04

yes I would like to know that too op - do you have any access to DH's money for personal spending and is that equally split?

FV45 · 24/01/2017 15:06

Pffff, if his job is so important and he's so senior and all that then it should be a heck of a lot easier for HIM to take special leave to care for a sick child than you.

But that's not the point. YANBU at all.

ALittleMop · 24/01/2017 15:10

The inference to me is that I'm a bad mother for leaving a poorly 12 yr old or that my job is seen as simply irrelevant therefore showing how little he respects me.

The inference is also that because he is the man and the higher earner that he thinks he can tell you what to do.

Ergo, he is a cock

Your arrangements were perfectly satisfactory. If they were not to his liking he could have taken the time off himself.

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 15:15

Bittern11 and Rogue I do have access to DHs account as it is joint. If I get additional groceries etc in the week then I use that. I wouldn't use it to buy anything for myself - I have a little bit left over every month for clothes/make up other frivolous things. I do normally spend this on the children going out, on books, in Smiggle on total shite etc.

Obviously he puts all the money in to savings and he does also have a small car - this is covered by a car allowance though, mine is mainly used. I pay for the day to day running costs of the bigger, more expensive car (no help with school run fuel which is substantial) but he would cover the service on it and tyres etc.
He would have more spending money but he is not a huge spender to be fair. We probably spend equally on ourselves but mine would cover luxuries for the kids too.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 24/01/2017 15:15

Fucking cunt Angry

Sorry but there is nothing else I can think of that would describe him better. To say that in front of your dd is totally shit.

Fwiw I noticed Kurri on this thread- that lass knows what she is talking about. Personally I'd take any advice she offers in a heartbeat.

GeorgeTheHamster · 24/01/2017 15:17

Well when you leave him stuck in the 1950s you'll be glad of that little job, you will be able to expand it and live on the income it brings.

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 15:17

You see, if I am still annoyed tonight he will sulk and say that I made a scene, and that I over reacted. He will say he could of worked from home - which is what he eventually offered, but with the caveat that it really wouldn't go down well at work.

I told him just to go to work. That would be his defence.

OP posts:
MarmiteDoesYouGood · 24/01/2017 15:18

Just explain it to him calmly, like you have done to us. You said you shouted at him this morning - obviously it's more difficult to accept that you hurt somebody's feelings when they're shouting at you. If he's a reasonable man he would accept your position and apologise if you told him what you have told us.

Teepish · 24/01/2017 15:19

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you, even though he leaves the caring of the children and the housework all down to you.
How would you feel if your daughter married a man like this?

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 15:20

Also if I a ever say I am happy, he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about. That I'm mad.

Or that I'm emotionally abusive to him by making a thing of this type of thing.

I did return to work full time but cut the hours right down when I moved in to a specialist role as couldn't cope with arranging all childcare, helping with homework, dog walking, food shopping, cooking, cleaning etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 15:21

Sorry ever say I am unhappy that should read.

OP posts:
RogueStar01 · 24/01/2017 15:25

do you want to work full time? It sound as though your children are a good age to consider it. You should think long and hard about whether you're really happy with your lot and his overall attitude.

GeorgeTheHamster · 24/01/2017 15:26

I think today sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue op.

tinytemper66 · 24/01/2017 15:28

Let him sulk. He is like a petulant child! Do less around the house and do not allow him to treat you kike this. I would also use the joint account for the fuel for car etc. What is the worst he can do? Sulk? Let him do so. I cannot get my head around the fact that so many women live like this in the 21st century.

Original poster
TheLuckyMrsPine · 24/01/2017 15:34

think today sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue op

I agree but we have generally been happy over the last 16 years or so. Normal ups and downs, I have found that his attitude has got more complacent as time goes on. He didn't used to be like this at all, when DD1 was first born and prior to that he was always cleaning/ ironing etc.

Perhaps it's simply that he doesn't like me having any independence at all.
I find it difficult to tell tbh as invariably it's easier to put up with the behaviour than the resulting fall out if I mention any issues.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/01/2017 15:35

So one of the reasons you have a "lesser" job is because you have to juggle all the shitwork as well as a job so he can be the big swinging dick.

He is a knob. I say that as the main breadwinner in our family. My income is multiples of DH's. That makes me better paid not more important.