Saddened by what I saw

[InvisibleAt53]

OK, I shouldn't have done it but I looked at DHs phone. I did it because I felt he was keeping me at a distance and I was looking for an explanation - not cool, I know.

So, his DD hates me. I was never the OW and she's a fully grown adult just pouting that daddy gives someone else attention.

When I thought everything was okay with her, she asked to loan some money. DH didn't have it so I gave it to her. It's not much, a few hundred quid. She never returned it so after 2 years, I emailed her to ask could she return it, knowing by then how much she detested me. I was really embarrassed and nervous about asking for it but I lost my job a few months ago and really needed it.

Back to DHs phone. Message from her to him:

"Tell that thing you live with to get off her fat lazy arse and get a job. She's just sponging off you. You're putting a roof over their head and feeding them ......"

Message from him to her:

"We've had words about it. Try not to let yourself get angry. I offered her the money myself but she wouldn't take it".

I feel betrayed on two counts. Firstly his response to her very offensive comment and secondly because I put a roof over our head and fed us for 5 years before I lost my job and after that I've had to cajole, persuade, and basically beg him to get out to work as I can't do it anymore.

Feel really hurt and humiliated and don't know whether I'll be able to keep a lid on it or cause one almighty row when he gets in from work.

i just wonder why you've accepted so little, this issue with the DD aside.

He obviously wasn't a wimp at asking you for money for the past 5yrs though!!

His only response should have been to tell her that of course he was willing to support you until you got a job.

"Try not to let yourself get angry"-I've never heard anything so pathetic in my life.

What an absolute bastard.

Well, the apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it?

It's obvious how he must speak about you for her to feel that she can say such things.

"Tell that thing you spawned that I'm gone. Have a happy life allowing your adult child to dictate everything to you. Nice to see my five years of you 'sponging off' of me were appreciated."

OMG, I was all for conciliation until I read that he sponged thousands off you to pay his bills - he is bad news, I'm sorry! At what point in your relationship did that happen? Does he have money to pay you back? Does he work/have a decent income? What exactly are you living on now?

I do remember you posting about this before, and tbh having read this post, I think he is using you, sorry! He has borrowed thousands from you, his selfish bitch of a daughter has borrowed from you, and he has lived off you for the past 5 years - and you feel bad asking him for money?!

I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like but based on your posts he is an utter fucker. What exactly ARE you getting out of this? Not even his loyalty, clearly. Does he have guilt issues towards this daughter or something? Not that that matters.

Put your efforts into finding another job, and make him set up a direct debit immediately to pay you back a certain sum every month. Then you can make plans to get rid. He can go and stay with his daughter. The apple clearly didn't fall far from the tree.

Get some advice and start planning to leave - do you own a house together? Could you recoup the money he owes you if you sold it?

I loaned him money to pay a really big bill a few years ago - tens of thousands - so I am under no illusion he owes me big time.

Sorry Op but I think you are just a cash cow to these awful people. One thing I've noticed in life is people often accuse others of what they are actually doing themselves. The only value you have to her - and possibly him - is someone to sponge off.

But really, money towards housekeeping (he lives here too) and extra money for the things I need aren't really connected, are they?

Most definitely not. You're supposed to be a partnership, not housemates.

Whatever you decide to do, keeping a lid on it isn't an option.

Shit of the pair of them, but you've lost any moral high-ground by sneaking around his phone

Often said but clearly bullshit. No-one actually believes that, do they?

Yes plenty of people feel that actually nosing around someone's phone is a deal breaker. It doesn't actually matter whether you find something, its a despicable thing to do.

As for the DH and the DD talking in "secret", another word could be "private" - and why shouldn't they be able to talk in private? Would you be okay with him stopping you texting your own adult child? Would you mind him listening into your phone calls?

Leave him if you can't handle his behaviour - that is your right, and may be the only solution.

But perhaps in the future, keep away from people's private devices

Not to derail, but as a general question (not necessarily about the OP). What is the female equivalent of cocklodger? Presumably the husband is one because he was being supported by his wife. What happens when the wife is supported by the husband?

Hope you have evidence of having loaned him the money?

Where a woman is being supported by her partner, Livia, she is generally making a non-financial contribution to the relationship in an agreed manner. I don't see any sign of this dickhead contributing anything positive.

In fact having re-read the thread, I would tell him to fuck the fuck off as far as he can fuck, and when he is finished, fuck off further!

Is he deducting the housekeeping money he gives you from the outstanding loan amount that he owes you?
That doesn't seem fair at all.
Have you got any proof that you lent him such a large amount of money?

Okay - it was a general musing really as I know plenty of women who are supported by their partners financially, where the husband does just as much as the wife towards household stuff.

it always seems a bit odd that men without jobs are automatically cocklodgers but women don't get nicknames applied to them.

What a nasty pair

Sorry but I am really saddened by your posts. This sounds horrible, keeping a log of everything he gives you. You are supposed to be a partnership. I violent live like this. And it's total bolloc*s that's his daughter comes 'first'. Everyone should be a priority. I don't know how you love like this, do you not want more for yourself?

Most people on here are advised that their children should come first (even into adulthood)

Just wow. I'd die a bit inside if my dp allowed anyone to speak about me like that, even without getting into a text argument he could still have told her she shouldn't call you names.

"We've had words about it. Try not to let yourself get angry." Sounds like he supports her refusal to pay you back, as though she has been wronged.

I'd be outta there. Well, he would be

So you loaned him money and in addition to this, paid for the majority of the household bills, correct?

Now that he's working, he's ever so slowly giving you that money back and expecting you to use that in housekeeping as he gives you nothing extra.

So your money is still paying for everything. Mmmm what a keeper .

Could he be trying to appease her because she is blackmailing him in some way?

No decent man lets anyone talk about his wife like that, without pulling them up on it. Even his own daughter - regardless of whether the wife is her mother or not.

I cannot believe anyone thinks otherwise.

Is his only financial contribution towards the household the house keeping he's giving you?

And he's knocking that off the sum of money you loaned him?

The thing hurting me the most is that he allowed her to speak about me in that way when I've done nothing to her bar stay out of her way and ask that she does the same.

At the time I loaned him the money, I wasn't struggling, was in a good job and I wanted him to have it as he was in dire straights. I do have a record of it but tbh the money is not really my issue.

Why doesn't she like you then? Presumably there is some reason, even if its a batshit one?

Actually that sounded more confrontational than I intended! I meant why does she say those things? Is it because she wouldn't like anyone that was her father's partner? Has she always disliked you?

Run. Run far away from them both, my love.