Saddened by what I saw

[InvisibleAt53]

OK, I shouldn't have done it but I looked at DHs phone. I did it because I felt he was keeping me at a distance and I was looking for an explanation - not cool, I know.

So, his DD hates me. I was never the OW and she's a fully grown adult just pouting that daddy gives someone else attention.

When I thought everything was okay with her, she asked to loan some money. DH didn't have it so I gave it to her. It's not much, a few hundred quid. She never returned it so after 2 years, I emailed her to ask could she return it, knowing by then how much she detested me. I was really embarrassed and nervous about asking for it but I lost my job a few months ago and really needed it.

Back to DHs phone. Message from her to him:

"Tell that thing you live with to get off her fat lazy arse and get a job. She's just sponging off you. You're putting a roof over their head and feeding them ......"

Message from him to her:

"We've had words about it. Try not to let yourself get angry. I offered her the money myself but she wouldn't take it".

I feel betrayed on two counts. Firstly his response to her very offensive comment and secondly because I put a roof over our head and fed us for 5 years before I lost my job and after that I've had to cajole, persuade, and basically beg him to get out to work as I can't do it anymore.

Feel really hurt and humiliated and don't know whether I'll be able to keep a lid on it or cause one almighty row when he gets in from work.

Get your money back off her dad. Let him clean up his own daughter's mess. Then use it to look into ways to get out. He has allowed his daughter to speak about you like that which is vile. What does she say when they're together in person? Does he laugh politely or belly laugh and join in when she makes a nasty joke about you?
You paid your way (dare I presume, more than his share as you say he didn't have any money to lend his own daughter but you did?) so your first priority is getting a job. Look further afield. With someone who thinks so little of you, you should not be tied down to him.
Yes you should not have looked at his phone but that doesn't cancel out his utter disrespect of you. By telling his rude, nasty daughter that he's "spoken to you about it", he's essentially agreeing that you need to "get your fat lazy arse up and stop sponging off him."

Fuck em both.

I can't quite work out whether he's just spineless in not telling his DD the truth (that the two of you are a partnership and you've supported him more than the other way round) and getting your money back from her. Or whether he's actually also a dickhead - why is he so reluctant to share his money with you when you're his partner and he's been supported by you in the past?

I did get some of the money back. He said she posted it to him in an envelope and he gave it to me. I'm 99% sure that didn't happen and it came from him directly but can't prove it. He's really good at protecting his relationship with her. The same consideration would be nice.

I have younger DC at home but I use the child support from their father for anything they need.

You are not his priority. She is. She is horrible.

I would definitely have nothing more to do with her.

You have a bigger picture of your marriage than we do but I know that there are no circumstances in which my husband would allow anyone - anyone - to say something like that about me without calling him or her on it. If he didn't, I would presume our relationship was hitting the rocks and he no longer cared about me.

If he continues to enable her abhorrent behaviour like that, nothing's going to change.

Strong conversation needed here OP. That's truly hurtful and quite frankly, shit.

OP, grow a pair. You're embarrassed to ask for housekeeping? You mean, you paid the bills before you lost your job? If so, I call 'cocklodger'!

What are your living arrangements and how can you get rid of him without too much disadvantage?

No loyalty, and clearly no grasp of reality!

I hope you get a new job soon and leave this idiot.

what are you gaining from this relationship, this issue which is appalling enough aside, he sounds horrible op. Surely you'd be happier without him dragging you down?

Oh, my god. I don't think I could continue in that relationship. I'd feel so hurt.

This just isn't straightforward though is it?

This was a conversation which happened between the OP's DH and his adult daughter, via the medium of text messaging. And while there is no question that the DD is particularly unpleasant in her comments, the OP is only privy to the conversation because she went looking at her DH's phone.

While in an ideal world the DH should have said something, no argument is best had via text. And at this stage the OP has no idea what discussions may or may not have happened between her DH and his DD which haven't been set down in writing for her to read through.

The DSD is unpleasant in her comments, no question. But she's also an adult, and she's still his child. As such he no longer has control over what she says or does, and equally he's not going to stop contact with her because regardless of what she thinks of the OP, she's still his DD.

I understand you feeling hurt, but it's clear that there is. No communication between you and your DH anyway if you need to go looking at his phone to see what's going on. You need to talk to him about where you are going, not about the exchanges which happen between him and his DD.

I think it sounds like he's been feeding his daughter a load of bollocks.

He's the problem.

He's playing piggy in the middle. Not doing anyone a favour long term. His daughter needs to grow up and pack in her immature shite. He needs to man up and stop enabling her.

Go NC with her. Lay your cards on the table with him.

TheElephant 'cocklodger' made me laugh!

I'm a real wimp when it comes to asking him for money as I've always been so independent.

I'm in a very uncomfortable position of being unemployed with bills to pay and would put myself in a precarious situation if I left him but I'm very aware that when I get back on my feet, things will have to change. I loaned him money to pay a really big bill a few years ago - tens of thousands - so I am under no illusion he owes me big time.

Very vile people!

In your shoes I would be telling him what I saw and packing my/his bags depending on who owns the house etc etc.

The daughter obviously thinks it's ok to speak like that about you to her DF so I imagine he has never stick up for you.

What do you want to do?
Could you leave him even just for some headspace for a while to mull the next move over?
Can you speak to the DD with the aim of finding a common ground?

If it was me I wouldn't bother with either of them and get rid completely but that might be an over reaction depending on how he normally behaves and what he says when confronted.

What an awful situation, but YANBU.

good grief. Why don't you call in the 10s of thousands loan instead of asking for housekeeping? Then it will be nice and clear exactly who is taking who for a ride....

in your shoes I'd put effort into sorting my job out, and leave this showdown for when you can show him the door. If he owes you 000s, why are you a wimp about asking him for any reciprocity? This just sounds all bad to me and you should focus on the non-relationship areas if they're holding you back from dealing with this DP

Wannabe All their conversations happen away from me, in secret. Partly my doing because when it was revealed what she felt about me and what she'd done to try and damage our relationship, I asked him to keep her out of my life. I'm pretty sure though that he does everything he can to keep her on side, regardless of her actions.

Morphene. He's keeping a log of everything he gives me so he can knock it off what he owes. I told him I really didn't want to be dependent on him for money and the only way I could reconcile it in my head was to remember he owes me a lot of money so why shouldn't I have it. His reply was along the lines of he always knew I'd hold it over his head.

But really, money towards housekeeping (he lives here too) and extra money for the things I need aren't really connected, are they?

I would be out of there so fast.

Get yourself anew job. Keep trying to get back your money. When u r strong you need to leave. It's not about loyalties. She is grown woman with an entitled attitude and that is because her parents were not very good.

He is a disloyal user.

Do you have children with him? If not, I would leave him and not look back.

Invisible see that part doesn't sound so bad - tbh no partner would be able to make me go no contact with my DC even if they were behaving very badly to them, as they are here. I think your DH could've sent a different response but he is his DD, not sure what you ideally expect? If he'd sent a text back saying 'don't talk about x like that', would that've been fine?

He sounds awful op. What did he do for bills before he was working? You should be a team

another one here who says LTB