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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be responsible for our contraception anymore?

55 replies

Contraceptionconundrum · 23/01/2017 15:15

NCd. I'm just so over contraception. I've been using it for 20 years. DH and I have two DC and I am sure that I do not want any more. DH says he is sure too and had always planned on a vasectomy but is (understandably) starting to drag his heels now that it is crunch time. I've looked into my options but I'm bf DS so some aren't suitable. Regardless, I'm fed up of pumping myself full of hormones. I don't want a reminder on my phone each day to take a pill. I don't want an IUD inserted. I don't want the pain or the heavier bleeding. I've shut up shop and I want the world to leave my uterus alone now. But I fancy a shag.

We're currently at a very friendly stalemate in our relationship. We are enjoying all the lovely things that couples can do that don't result in pregnancy but there is no end game.

I don't even know what my AIBU is. I'm not pushing him for the snip. I think in general AIBU just to say "come back when you're no longer spermy coz my body has done enough?"

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 23/01/2017 15:21

I had a terrible experience on hormonal contraceptives. I will not touch that shit again for as long as I live!

My DH2b would have the snip but at nearly 45 in perimenopause we have elected to use natural contraception. And that is WE.

It's not simple, you will have to use an app every single day, study your body, be bloody careful (I use persona too) BUT I feel in total control of my body and have never known it better than I do now. It's really quite fascinating!! My DH2b knows a lot too now lol.

X

KlingybunFistelvase · 23/01/2017 15:23

I feel the same as you re contraception. I stopped using hormonal contraception last year. We don't know if we're done having babies yet though, which is slightly different.

We use condoms atm - did for years when we first got together as well - and don't have any problems. Might be worth doing in short term?

What about a diaphragm / cap / sterilisation for you? I'm considering sterilisation as a diaphragm for good measure for the future if DH doesn't fancy a vasectomy.

KlingybunFistelvase · 23/01/2017 15:24

Sterilisation AND a diaphragm

scaevola · 23/01/2017 15:33

Yes, of course it's AIBU to say that.

Talking to him about the best contraception for the two of you now is one thing.

Even joking about vasectomy is a bit off. Look at the NHS webpage - there's a 1:10 chance of the (serious, nigh on untreatable) complication of PVPS, as well as the more curable ones.

It's his body, his choice and it is always unreasonable to expect your spouse to have surgery.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2017 15:38

Condoms?

Original poster
Contraceptionconundrum · 23/01/2017 15:40

Yes, sterilsation might be the way forward. I'm assuming it is quite costly though and I'm ebf an 8 week old so couldn't have a GA. It might be a serious consideration for the future though.

Does anyone have any experience of female sterilisation?

OP posts:
pigsknickers · 23/01/2017 15:45

I'm with you OP - this is exactly where we're at. My position is that my body's been through quite enough for our family - two pregnancies, births and stints of breastfeeding, plus years of the pill before that. It's up to him now. Yes I could get a diaphragm/coil but I don't want to. I've also pointed out that I'm only fertile 5 days a month whereas he always is so it is in no way reasonable for this to be my responsibility any more. We're currently using condoms while he overcomes his squeamishness about vasectomy. Sure it comes with risks, but so did all the things I've listed above. Stand your ground!

EastMidsMummy · 23/01/2017 15:46

Crunch time.

Ouch.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 23/01/2017 15:54

Hang on, why should YOU go through the operation of sterilisation? Your body has done its duty, growing and birthing children. Why should you have to go through any more physical trauma. I wholeheartedly believe that as an equal partner in the family, your husband should do his part now. Vasectomy usually means local anaesthetic and maybe taking a couple of paracetamol after. Tubal litigation means general (and therefore far riskier) anaesthetic, hefty bruising (going by my friend's almost black bruised tummy after) and then the risk of possible extremely heavy and painful periods afterwards. Bugger that. Talk to him again.
Either that or he should be going out to buy condoms.

GloGirl · 23/01/2017 15:54

I'd be absolutely furious at having to give birth to 2 children and breastfeed them and then have to have a further sterilisation because my husband wouldn't have a vasectomy.

I'm all for bodily autonomy but after all the risks I had gone through for the sake of fertility and having children I'd be damned if I'd let him put his dick anywhere near me if he wasn't willing to consider any personal risk. It takes two.

FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN · 23/01/2017 16:00

YANBU. mine had the snip. I was done the same as you. 3 of his DC, 20 years of contraception with him. Enough.

Then I went into an abrupt and early menopause so it was a bit not worth it. Shock

LotisBlue · 23/01/2017 16:03

I'm in same boat - we've two dc and definitely don't want any more, and I don't want to go back on the pill. I too feel like I have done my bit - and dp agrees. He is considering the snip but it does feel a bit final.

Once my periods come back I think I'm going to start charting them, and once I am confident I'm getting it right we'll only need to use condoms on fertile days. I just wish they would hurry up and develop a male pill!

Crowdblundering · 23/01/2017 16:08

I love my Mirena.

Never hormonal and never have any periods.

KevinMcCallister · 23/01/2017 16:14

It's perfectly reasonable of you to be considering alternative contraceptive methods and to be wanting your DH to look into vasectomy, but The NHS website states that you shouldn't have one soon after major life changing events like having a baby. So your OH may get turned away if he went to the GP about it now, but after a year, it would be reasonable.

FWIW DH was all for it, then when I actually requested he started delaying. He eventually had it done last Autumn and had a textbook recovery.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/01/2017 16:18

We have two children. I knew soon after the second was born that I didn't want to have any more under any circumstances, e.g. if my marriage had failed or my husband had died, and I'd embarked on a new relationship. We waited a few years to be sure, but when I hit 40 I went to my GP and got a referral to have my tubes tied on the NHS. Yes, it meant having a general anaesthetic, but it was day surgery (and keyhole) and the recovery period was pretty short (for me). No complications whatever, and what a relief never to have to think about contraception again. My view has always been that I would be the one most affected by a contraceptive failure so I had the strongest incentive to sort it out. I don't resent that, it's just a fact of life.

Crowdblundering · 23/01/2017 16:33

Do you still have periods after sterilisation?

Seryph · 23/01/2017 16:34

I'm desperate to get off my pill, I've been taking hormonal contraception for nearly nine years and I think it might be causing side effects. But I can't stand condoms (sensory issues) and we aren't ready to start our family yet...
Roll on the male pill!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/01/2017 16:36

Yes, you do. All it does is stop the sperm making its way to the egg. So you go through the menopause at the normal time and in the normal way.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/01/2017 16:38

.... which, tiresome as menstruation is, is a good thing. Early menopause (which you would have after a hysterectomy) can lead to a higher risk of osteoporosis, for example.

Ehlana · 23/01/2017 16:43

Vasectomy usually means local anaesthetic and maybe taking a couple of paracetamol after.

Err no, 1:10 chance of severe side effects, some lifelong. Pain can be excruciating afterwards.

WorkingBling · 23/01/2017 16:49

We use condoms now. And I point blank refuse to buy them. DH doesn't want a vasectomy, which I accept, but I'm TIRED of being the one responsible for thinking and worrying about contraception. we don't have sex without one. Ever (I am not risking it and my cycle is not regular enough to be even vaguely confident otherwise). So, it's condoms all the way and he has to make sure we have them. It's a small, relatively petty, rule on my part that he has to buy them, but it's also a SMALL thing for him compared to years of contraception and years of being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding etc.

FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN · 23/01/2017 16:49

Pain can be excruciating afterwards.

Oh poor them. Once my DH has squeezed 3 of my DC out his penis (with only G&A) then maybe I'd have some sympathy.

lanbro · 23/01/2017 16:52

I was at the same point, I refused to be responsible for contraception and would only have PIV using a condom, DH sorted out a vasectomy shortly after!

DisneyMillie · 23/01/2017 16:55

It's not a 1 in 10 risk of SEVERE side effects it's a 1 in 10 risk of some level of long term discomfort - including an occasional mild ache up to severe pain.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/01/2017 16:57

This seems like a good source of information about both male and female sterilisation. It says there is no evidence that female sterilisation increases menstrual problems. I suspect that in the case of some women who feel their periods got worse after sterilisation what they are experiencing is actually caused by the approach to the menopause.

It also says that the take up of both male and female sterilisation has dropped hugely in the last few years because there are good alternatives available that aren't irreversible. I imagine they are also cheaper for the NHS.