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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be responsible for our contraception anymore?

55 replies

Contraceptionconundrum · 23/01/2017 15:15

NCd. I'm just so over contraception. I've been using it for 20 years. DH and I have two DC and I am sure that I do not want any more. DH says he is sure too and had always planned on a vasectomy but is (understandably) starting to drag his heels now that it is crunch time. I've looked into my options but I'm bf DS so some aren't suitable. Regardless, I'm fed up of pumping myself full of hormones. I don't want a reminder on my phone each day to take a pill. I don't want an IUD inserted. I don't want the pain or the heavier bleeding. I've shut up shop and I want the world to leave my uterus alone now. But I fancy a shag.

We're currently at a very friendly stalemate in our relationship. We are enjoying all the lovely things that couples can do that don't result in pregnancy but there is no end game.

I don't even know what my AIBU is. I'm not pushing him for the snip. I think in general AIBU just to say "come back when you're no longer spermy coz my body has done enough?"

OP posts:

cauliwobbles · 23/01/2017 17:01

Against lots of posters on here I'm of the mind that if your DH has happily enjoyed carefree sex with you for years whilst you've taken responsibility for contraception and birthed numerous children the least they can do is have the snip.

Yes there could be complications but they are few and far between and most not as common as tears etc we experience giving birth or the havoc carrying babies causes our bodies.

Crowdblundering · 23/01/2017 17:02

Ex OH didn't shave properly before his vasectomy and got a terrible infection.

Shame.

cauliwobbles · 23/01/2017 17:03

And for as many people who swear by the mirena there are the same amount who swear it turned them into chubby libido lacking nutters!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 23/01/2017 17:04

"Pain can be excruciating afterwards."

Oh poor them. Once my DH has squeezed 3 of my DC out his penis (with only G&A) then maybe I'd have some sympathy.

Really? No man can ever have sympathy for any pain he experiences because he hasn't given birth? I may well be on my own here, but I've never felt this way. I gave birth twice and yes, it was not fun, but that's just how it is. Only women can become pregnant, only women can give birth. It's something that deserves a lot of respect and gratitude, and doesn't always get it. That's a whole separate issue. Any human being experiencing pain deserves a bit of TLC from his/her loved ones.

Katy07 · 23/01/2017 17:04

Surely condoms are the obvious solution, certainly in the shorter term?

WorkingBling · 23/01/2017 17:10

I think it's the way they talk about risks of vasectomy. I've noticed that the kind of language they use is quite alarmist. So DH was all set to have one until he read that 1 in 10 suffer acute pain... Except when you speak to doctors and to others, I've yet to find anyone who agrees with this assessment. But, it's in the literature.

I'm sure it's the patriarchy at work again! .

Jokes aside, there's no doubt that there is a view that the physical reality of a vasectomy is a big deal for men, with very little acknowledgement that the physical reality of having babies is a huge deal for women. I doubt any of have got through it without long term effects and certainly, I know of multiple women with significant long term side effects as a result of pregnancy and childbirth. Doesn't stop any of us from going out there and having babies.

I am sympathetic to DH not wanting to have one and I certainly will not force him, but I would be lying if I thought that his concerns are entirely legitimate.

specialsubject · 23/01/2017 17:11

both operations have risk.

he didn't have the option to give birth so the tit-for-tat game doesn't really work.

he will always be 'spermy' so either wait until two years after your menopause or find something else.

Evolution is a bugger, isn't it?

Original poster

Contraceptionconundrum · 23/01/2017 17:14

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear about people in a similar situation. I'll bring it up with DH again. I'm not going to push him into a vasectomy but I will put my foot down about the coil as he has been "reminding me" to book an appointment and I really don't want to do it.

I didn't realise there was a time restriction Kevin but I suppose that makes sense.

OP posts:

HickDead · 23/01/2017 17:15

YANBU, I'm lucky that my DH decided to get the snip when our last DC had just turned one. The last pregnancy and birth really took it out of me and the thought of taking hormonal contraception or someone fiddling about down there fitting a coil made me want to cry. He went private as the wait on the NHS in our area is a year or two.

I agree with you 100%, why should it always be you that takes responsibility for these matters. I think your body has done enough!

FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN · 23/01/2017 17:15

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I was being a bit sarcastic/ exaggerated there - of course I have sympathy for him if he's in pain as I would for any human. He didn't mind getting the snip, I don't know what we'd have done if he did mind but he felt it was a good option.

XinnaJane · 23/01/2017 17:17

It's selfish of his to make it (yet again) your problem to sort out. If you've taken responsibility for contraception in the past, maybe it's time for him to do some research and come up with some ideas.

MunchyMunchkin · 23/01/2017 17:21

You may be able to get essure which is female sterilisation done hysteroscopically under local anaesthetic. It's safer than having a general and less risk of long term problems associated with vasectomy.

GTS · 23/01/2017 17:28

I had all sorts of hassle with my mirena. DH encouraged me to have it removed, but hasn't 'gotten around' to the promised vasectomy.
I am now 37 weeks pregnant with my third child at 40.
There will be no sex til the snip and that's final. I'm over being responsible and honestly feel I've done enough.

PietariKontio · 23/01/2017 17:31

I agree with the previous reply saying to use condoms; it's been the contraception of choice for the vast majority of my relationship - easy to use, with (mostly) no side effects. I don't think anyone, man or woman, should be expected to have an operation that they don't want to ensure no more babies.
They should, however, also not expect the other person to do so, so clearly in this case it's condoms or the snip (or different sorts of sex, I guess ;) )

stitchglitched · 23/01/2017 17:36

YANBU. I'm sure the risk of side effects from hormonal contraception or pregnancy is more than 1 in 10.

DJBaggySmalls · 23/01/2017 17:39

DP had the snip and was fine. He said it was a lot easier than he expected, all he had heard were horror stories.

rwalker · 23/01/2017 17:59

i had the snip a 8 years ago please think carefully we did not want anymore kids but totally shocked at how making that final choice was really difficult anyway went ahead got massive infection full pus and swelling had to have it restitched big scar not as though that matters as no one see in alot of pain put it down to infection and though it would settle down but months later still the same it would stop me in my tracks some days went back to the consultant who gave a lot of info on side effects which i was not told there is 10% chance of having long term pain so 1 in 10 will be left in pain which speaking to friends who have i done 1 other is the same and in pain had bouts of aching and pain told this was down to body not absorbing sperm and the end result was had it reversed on the nhs hoping it would solve pain issue went in for 3 1/2 hour op to get this done better but pain still there that as good as it will get and can't rely on it now for contraception so it is not the easy fix every one says so good luck but i wish i never had i done please read all you can on side effects the doctors don't cover this think hard about 1 in ten risk been left in pain i don't know any other surgery which would simply dismiss this please don't let this become a stalemate to the kind person who said female sterilisation has side effects which it does surely the same arguement applies about male sterliaztion jam now on medication for nerve pain which also has side effects and the side effect for that to be honest best you two work it out between yourselves very easy to damage a relationship with this you both end up at war then the last thing you want to do is get sterilised if your relation ship is rocky as u never know what the future holds it can turn into a chicken and egg situation nothing worse than someone shouting at you well i had the kids and you saying i would if i could but medicine not moved on that much sit down take the fact you had the kids out off the conversasion and just look at contraception option for both of you the problem is you ether get one side advice or horror stories (i can be guilty of that )

EurusHolmesViolin · 23/01/2017 18:02

Personally I'd be more worried about the risk of life threatening ectopic pregnancy with Essure than I would about the risk of testicular pain with a vasectomy.

Clearly YANBU OP. Have you told DH how you feel? I am assuming not if he's reminding you to book an IUD appointment. You should. But is there some reason why barrier methods aren't an option? Not just condoms, there is the diaphgram and femidom.

FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN · 23/01/2017 18:24

Holy shit rwalker did it affect your usage of punctuation as well?

My DH had it and was fine. Likewise there are women who have horror stories over surgical sterilisation. All operations carry risk.

Oblomov17 · 23/01/2017 18:26

I was sterilised. Fabulous.

Or encourage dh to actually get it done. Tell him what you've said here. Ask him if he's prepared to do it?

rwalker · 23/01/2017 18:30

constant pain , broke sleep , not able to do manual job wearing safety harness so our whole families home/financial security under threat as i could of lost my job followed by depression sorry if i sorry sounded as i was complaining

savagehk · 23/01/2017 18:40

I'd look into natural contraception (with condoms as a backup) as a shorter term solution - worth seeing if it works for you, if so you could use it longer term. You can also avoid sex during your fertile period. I think this site is by the woman whose book I read: www.tcoyf.com/

Getting a base temperature if you're still bf might be an issue, though. I've not charted my temperature since DS was born as I figured I wasn't getting enough sleep - but I didn't try to check.

MLGs · 23/01/2017 18:41

Condoms. They work.

LucklessMonster · 23/01/2017 18:49

he has been "reminding me" to book an appointment and I really don't want to do it.

I've no sympathy for him. He's scared of a minor operation but happy to pester you into it.

YANBU at all and I can't believe people are suggesting you go through a major operation as a solution. Fuck sterilisation when there are two much less risky options - abstinence or a vasectomy.

Coffeeisnecessary · 23/01/2017 19:16

I was one of the 'chubby libido lacking' ones on mirena coil- hated it. Dh got the snip and it's been brilliant. He did complain about pain for a while but it eased really quickly. It's a minor operation in comparison to female sterilisation. Hope he decides to go for it op!

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