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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really really struggle to enjoy baby groups

85 replies

NowwhatdoIdo123 · 23/01/2017 13:55

I've just got home after trying a new (new to me) baby and toddler group. I'm disappointed again. It was another clique group. About 8 mums, 6 of which stuck together like glue and from what I could hear basically talked about everyone who they jointly knew (ironically one of the women they were talking about they were discussing how she bakes cakes and according to them over charges and doesn't even bake them herself she outsources them, I actually know her! I sat there thinking, haven't you ever been told you should be careful who you talk about because you never know who might know who?!

I have a really friendly toddler so I will persevere and go again for her but every group I go to seems to have a really well established clique.

Anyone else find this?

OP posts:

KlingybunFistelvase · 23/01/2017 20:46

It depends a bit on circumstances though doesn't it strong?

If you have a younger child who maybe isn't able to socialise properly yet and you live miles and miles away from all of your friends and family (like me) and you're a sahp (like me) who doesn't really get the chance to go anywhere other than playgroup, then the chance to meet other mums is part of the reason you might go to playgroup.

Now my DD is older, I really just go for her benefit. Ironically, I've met more people recently than a year ago when we'd just moved and I was, (admittedly), a little bit desperate to meet people. DD was tiny then and didn't give a rat's arse if we went to playgroup or round the supermarket! She loves it now though so I feel it was worth it.

Noodledoodledoo · 23/01/2017 21:01

I find the toddler groups are great to burn off a lot of energy for my toddler, cause chaos somewhere other than my sitting room (I do help to clear up at the group but it doesn't seem so bad!), and wear her out a bit on non nursery days. It's cheaper than soft play and I get a cup of coffee! I can now have a chat with one or two mums, have had a chat with them when out and about a few times as well.

I am trying to build a local network, we moved here just before having my first and really miss having local people to meet up with - I don't have the option of seeing friends and family during the evenings as they are all too far away.

The more structured groups I find are less likely to make friends.

NerrSnerr · 23/01/2017 21:06

Strong making friends has been a big part for me. I moved to my new area when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first and knew no one. Nearest family is 90 minutes away. I took her to three local groups- children's centre under 1s, bounce and rhyme and toddler coffee morning from 3 weeks.The first few months were purely for me to make friends and a change of scenery. Now she's 2 she gets a lot of benefit as well.

Soubriquet · 23/01/2017 21:07

I go to one that runs twice a week

Used to go both times but I usually end up sitting there on my own.

Now we go once every other week.

The kids enjoy it but not as much as they used to

The "clique" group allow their kids to run havoc and never tell them off so my two end up getting shoved and hurt occasionally.

So now we rarely go

user1473882712 · 23/01/2017 21:20

Hated them with a passion,stopped going to toddler groups instead my dc & I went to scheduled classes eg Gymboree, Jo Jingeles, Art Attack, Monkey Music etc, much more enjoyable albeit alot more expensive than 2 in with a cuppa. BUT the mums I met at these classes were lovely, there to spend time with their dc not necessairly to make mummy friends but friendships happened naturally. Dc loved the structured classes & the activities & structure made the transition to preschool much easier too, would recommend if it's within budget. Toddler groups were just awful..

Ruprecthepanbasher · 23/01/2017 21:26

I loved baby groups although I'm thinking now that my group of 4 or 5 mums may have been one of the "cliquey" groups you're all talking about... we always tried to chat to new mums at the groups but we also had a lot to catch up on when we met every Monday morning. 10 years later and 3 of us are the best of friend and meet all the time for nights out and weekends away.

The problem with this group you went to OP might have been that there were so few people there. The main groups I used to go to were in church halls and around 15-20 adults there with loads of kids there. Of all those people there wouldn't often be anyone sat there on their own.

TescoCarrierBag · 23/01/2017 21:26

I would have waited until the end and told them they you know the cake lady there talking about followed by BYE FUGLY BIATCHES

Ragwort · 23/01/2017 21:32

I found the opposite problem, I set up a mother and baby group when I moved to a new village and knew no one, my first baby - I set the group up even before I gave birth . Most people would join, chat to everyone, get involved, help with the coffee/drinks, put the toys out, help clear up - but there were always a few who would stand apart, not join in, look aloof, never bother to help make the coffee or tidy up - just with anything in life, you have to make the effort.

I don't think I've ever been in a situation where no one will talk to me or I have been made to feel uncomfortable, I don't think I am especially sociable with a fantastic personality - but I always, always offer to help with whatever group I go to and I always make the effort to approach other people - I don't wait for people to talk to me.

oblada · 23/01/2017 21:33

Well didn't rtwt but just to say: I can't stand baby groups! Only ever went to one with my kids, baby signing, nice lady running the group and the group wasn't too bad... But still a bunch of women bitching about or simply discussing things I have no interest in (I remember quite vividly a rather long conversation about coupons! Coupons!!!!)... Or finding opportunities to subtly (or not) judge others' parenting skills.. Anyway I'm sure there are nice groups out there but really I could never be bothered.

mum2Bomg · 23/01/2017 21:34

DD is 7 weeks old and I haven't managed to get the guts to go to one yet... kind of dreading it

mum2Bomg · 23/01/2017 21:38

If I do I'm going to speak to the person sat on their own after reading these posts

SpikeGilesSandwich · 23/01/2017 21:55

This thread has really cheered me up, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels awkward and like an outsider at baby groups. It's so hard trying to make small talk with a bunch of strangers with just motherhood in common. My situation is not so average and I feel very self conscious but as my DS is and will sadly remain an only child, I think it's really important for me to try to help him make friends and socialise.

bunnylove99 · 23/01/2017 21:55

OED definition of 'clique': ''a small close knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them''
A clique indeed. I propose the theory that PPs having a go at you for using the term are indeed the innocent groups of friends who do nothing to make newcomers feel welcome at these groups. Don't let it bother you at all OP. It sounds like you have lots of fun with your wee one doing all sorts - they will not grow up deprived for missing toddler group. I had the same experience myself. You try and be friendly and mingle but come up against a wall of local mums who have all known each other from school days, have never known how it's feels to be lonely in a new town, and have no desire to make any new friends because everything is peachy for them already. Enjoy you toddler and either try and meet other 'new settlers' or grow a thick skin. It will continue to the school gates !

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 21:58

OED definition of 'clique': ''a small close knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them

Except it has particular connotations, and you know that. Or should do.

It will continue to the school gates. It being the strange notion that groups of friends should instantly welcome any random who smiles at them simply because they both produced offspring at vaguely the same time.

bunnylove99 · 23/01/2017 22:06

user1484317265 Your response speaks volumes. I'm glad I'm not the 'any random' attending your toddler group.
'Clique' is what it is. There are no connotations involved - it's definition is there in plain English. Clearly my post has hit a nerve.

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 22:07

I don't go to toddler groups, I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon.

Arrogant much? You couldn't hit a nerve with a handful of darts and a map.

whensitmyturn · 23/01/2017 22:18

I don't like baby groups either unless I go with a friend.
I'm an outgoing person too but I always feel like people have already made their friends if i go on my own so don't like to talk to people, equally though I don't want to look like a moody cow on my own so try and smile but then I look a bit deranged sitting and smiling to myself. Gah it's a minefield!

I prefer activities that you 'do' with your kids like swimming, going the zoo, toddler gymnastics, or there's a great arts and crafts thing at a local art gallery. That way she can play with other kids but I don't sit there like a lemon!

Strongmummy · 23/01/2017 22:30

My main purpose of going to mother and baby groups was to interact in a different setting with my son. It definitely was not to meet other mums!! If I formed friendships, great (and I did), but it certainly wasn't my main purpose. Also a group like Sing and Sign was fab for my son as he could communicate with me before he could speak. Do I think it's going to make him into a genius? No, but it was a fun activity and made my maternity leave far more interesting.

NennyNooNoo · 23/01/2017 22:32

I've felt like that too on occasions. I found it easier to go to structured activities such as rhymetime at the library or sessions run by Sure Start ( and they're usually free too). You can get to know a few people through the organised activity groups and then ask which toddler groups they go to / ask if they'd like to come along to your group.

Gwenci · 23/01/2017 22:35

I used to run a toddler group but very happily handed it over to someone else after a year of doing it. Totally thankless task.

I used to try so hard to talk to everyone who came and introduce them to the regulars. I still remember the name of the woman who came once, barely responded to my attempts at conversation, sat on her own without once attempting to talk to anybody and then wrote a nasty comment on the local Facebook mums page about how awful and cliquey the group was.

The thing is, how do you know that everyone knows everyone else? There were many weeks where I spent the whole time talking to people I'd never met before but to an outsider it probably looked like I was chatting to a friend and being 'cliquey'.

Bloody awful business!

Strongmummy · 23/01/2017 22:36

Understood everyone has different circumstances, but I just think it's counterproductive to deliberately go to a group to make friends rather than playing with your kid and letting any friendship happen naturally. You're setting yourself up to fail in a way. I don't have family or close friends nearby either, but definitely didn't rely on these groups to help me build a network. I admit I was very lucky and met some fab people. I'm also pretty up my own arse so just assume I'll be accepted into any group!!! 😂

ItsThatBeverleyMacca · 23/01/2017 22:46

I feel the same as you OP. I've got lots of lovely friends from all areas of my life so far, school, uni, and from various jobs, but I haven't met anyone at baby/toddler groups that I've shared more than the smallest of small talk with. We've done swimming, sing and sign, a Surestart group, and now we do two toddler groups a week where I just end up talking to him.

I do sometimes wonder why, as my friends with kids (I don't live near any of them unfortunately) seem to have made lovely friends themselves at various baby/toddler related activities, but I just haven't. I think I feel it more as we have absolutely no family where we live either, I would love someone to go for a coffee/walk in the park with now and again!

preparedtobeshotdown · 23/01/2017 23:52

That's a shame. We have 2 here. One is very cliquey. But the other one is so lovely. I was new to the village and I bumped into the lady that runs it in the local park. And we have been friends ever since. All the mums chat to each other. We kind of rotate throughout the hall. Everyone seems to look out for everyone. It's the one place I feel happy and open. It's difficult being home all the time. I did make a big effort when I joined though. I help tidy up. And now sometimes help in the kitchen. But everyone was generally interested in getting to know me when I first arrived. I think it's just pot luck mixed with a big smile and a bit of chat.

RainyDayBear · 24/01/2017 02:11

I feel a bit like this. I like the groups (I tend to go to activities so there is a focus!) but find it hard to get to know some of the mums better, I feel like we never get past the polite chit chat stage!

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 24/01/2017 08:05

I found structured activities were better, particularly where leaders encouraged people to move around and mix. Buggy Fit was the most sociable as there wasn't a static position in the group, we were doing something for our own benefit, the babies were contained in the prams (so no danger of taking eachother out with a sticklebrick) and you ended up in pairs. The library and children's centre were better too.

I'm a sociable person and found being stuck in the house with a pre-verbal child very isolating. I could very easily go 9-10 hours a day with no adult conversation. I knew no one else within that was available to see. Some baby groups just hammered that in, as I had no one to bring with me and so many attempts to make small talk fell flat. There were many times simple polite greetings like "Hello, alright?" were just met with stunned "why is she talking to me?" looks. Quite often the supermarket was far more socially rewarding.

It very much depends on the group, who's turned up and the leaders. But there are definitely some cold, cliquey groups out there as well as pleasant ones.

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