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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really really struggle to enjoy baby groups

85 replies

NowwhatdoIdo123 · 23/01/2017 13:55

I've just got home after trying a new (new to me) baby and toddler group. I'm disappointed again. It was another clique group. About 8 mums, 6 of which stuck together like glue and from what I could hear basically talked about everyone who they jointly knew (ironically one of the women they were talking about they were discussing how she bakes cakes and according to them over charges and doesn't even bake them herself she outsources them, I actually know her! I sat there thinking, haven't you ever been told you should be careful who you talk about because you never know who might know who?!

I have a really friendly toddler so I will persevere and go again for her but every group I go to seems to have a really well established clique.

Anyone else find this?

OP posts:

lozzylizzy · 23/01/2017 14:32

I never did the baby groups. I took the babies out for a walk and played with them myself at home. For adult conversation I visited my family and friends in the evening or weekend.

I hate the forced playgroups as they just become breeding grounds to either who has it the hardest or who is doing the best, all in the same sentence!

NavyandWhite · 23/01/2017 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1484317265 · 23/01/2017 14:40

Your problem is probably that you see groups of friends talking to each other as "cliques".
Says a lot.

TatianaLarina · 23/01/2017 14:42

I think people who find socialising difficult tend to read ordinary groups of friends as 'cliques' and tend to think they're being excluded when actually, they're just not joining in.

If there's a group who already know each other, so what? Introduce yourself and chat to them.

MollyHopps · 23/01/2017 14:49

I went to baby groups with DS when he was a baby, about twice before I realised how much I hated it.

All I did was sit in a room looking after him in public, instead of doing exactly the same thing at home with a couple of friends.

Nipped that in the bud and it has done neither of my DC any harm

seafoodeatit · 23/01/2017 14:49

I really struggle with them too, DC is nearly 7 months old now but I've only been once, I have anxiety too and am very shy around strangers, I do want to make friends but I just find it very difficult to talk to people I don't know. When DC1 was little we had few expenses so I paid for them to go to a childminders who did groups, I can't afford that this time so I have to figure out something!

It's good there is a group you like, stick to that one and don't waste time on the new one.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/01/2017 14:51

Another one here who struggled with smaller baby/toddler groups where as a working parent I didn't really fit in with the required commitment level. I gave up with them.

What I found much better was the big 'all comers, low budget' groups found in church halls. In a larger group there is always someone to find common ground with even if its the other newbie. Whilst there will always be a queen bee and cliques there are also people who are neither. For me a much bigger mix of people generally which I preferred.

jcne · 23/01/2017 14:57

to make friends at these things you really need to stick with it and make an effort. i, frankly, have a similarly negative outlook and often have to have a quiet word with myself. perseverance does pay off assuming you aren't a weirdo which i am sure you aren't. as others have said (1) volunteering is a really good way to bypass the queues to 'belonging' and create your own mini network (2) try activities that are more structured so you aren't left to flounder awkwardly.

Oblomov17 · 23/01/2017 14:57

They may but be a clique, they may be a group of 5 post natal group mums who have continued their friendship and are now going to an activity.

What do you suggest they do differently? Although the cake bit doesn't sound very nice.

NerrSnerr · 23/01/2017 14:58

'I never did the baby groups. I took the babies out for a walk and played with them myself at home. For adult conversation I visited my family and friends in the evening or weekend.

I hate the forced playgroups as they just become breeding grounds to either who has it the hardest or who is doing the best, all in the same sentence!'

How do you know this if you never did the baby groups?

I find it takes a couple of weeks to get to know people, I sat like a spare part for the first groups I took my daughter but gradually got to know people. I worry that now we have toddlers me and my friends seem like a bit of a clique in groups, but we all have 2 year olds babies or are pregnant and are actually just feeling like shit after not sleeping/ constant vomiting and everything else and although we try and be friendly sometimes we just need a bit of a moan cry to our friends. We do have childminders at the groups I go to who are very good at welcoming though.

KlingybunFistelvase · 23/01/2017 15:01

I struggle too! I've just given up any hope of making any genuine connections with any of the other mums any more. I just go so that DD gets out and plays with other children. Tbf they all get easier the more I go and I've had a few good chats recently. Do keep going and maybe someone you connect with will show up one week. But yanbu. They can be really hard.

KlingybunFistelvase · 23/01/2017 15:02

And I have no friends or famitwgere we live so have to do the baby groups sadly! I mightn't bother otherwise.

KlingybunFistelvase · 23/01/2017 15:03

Family where*

phoenix1973 · 23/01/2017 15:08

They were like a form of torture to me, akin to root canal work or a smear test.i did it through gritted teeth. Those days are behind me. Thank God.

I was the only UK person there. The rest were Polish, who clubbed together.

They used to bring out animals and my child was the only one who wasn't faintly interested in the land snails.😂

I spent most time either:-

Being used as a climbing frame for one mummies snot nosed kid. She had 4 under 5 and the littlest liked a lot of food. So whenever I got my child's food out, over came snotty sue.😳

Uncurling my child's fingers from the climbing frames and cars which she tried dragging across the room when it was time to go.

Yuk.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/01/2017 15:15

God don't go to them if you hate them. Your toddler won't lose out, they're not over sociable at that age, usually just playing alongside each other. It's not compulsory.

If it makes you feel better, I hated them too!

Emmageddon · 23/01/2017 15:20

They can be hard going, but I echo what others have said already - keep at it, and eventually you will meet someone you will click with. I made a couple of really good friends at my local toddler group, and we remain friends even now our babies are all grown up. It can be hard work though, and maybe you need to go to a few different groups to find one you and your child both enjoy.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/01/2017 15:20

Oh. Yes the clique parent days. I was never included in cliques. One mother even shouted because her child fell off the slide. While she was busy bragging about how her angel slept from 6pm to 8pm.
CM (clique mother). Didnt you notice she was going to fall. You were over there.
Me. Erm no. I was too busy supervising my child. Like you should have been. Don't miss that bit of DDs
Que. Lots of tuts from her and the rest of the cliques. I don't miss that aspect childhood one bit, and will avoid like the plague if I'm ever blessed with more children.
I'd rather eat a scabby rats arse.

MrsJayy · 23/01/2017 15:22

If you see these groups as a chance for the toddler to play and interact with other toddlers then half the battle is won really. These women were just chatting you might not have liked the chat so move on go back somebody else will be feeling like you chat to them. I wasnt keen on groups either but went found a mum to chat to raced after toddler and went home.

NickyEds · 23/01/2017 15:24

I did loads of classes when ds was tiny and made a good group of friends, two of which I see a couple of times a week now. I now go to two toddler groups a week and I think they're great, I've made a few friends and usually have a nice chat.

A clique is just a group of friends which doesn't include you.

I think people often expect too much too soon at these groups. I've got a few friends at the one I go and know all of the regulars but I've been going since ds was 10 months old and he's 3 now. I was chatting to a woman at the bus stop who had only been twice and vowed never to go back because no one had asked her for coffee after. If there's a group that suits you location and time wise then I'd persevere a bit.

MrsJayy · 23/01/2017 15:40

I have always worked in preschool groups, and it is hard being new everything seems alien you dont know the routine the parents and yes we did get groups of mums who looked intimidating and cliquey and gossips. The other mums skirting round the edge not included and occasionally you got mums who were offended at not being included so started saying of the clique runs this group blah blah it is a bloody minefield op but try and not let these women bother you let them get on with it but say hello be breezy and you might find you cope better.

Strongmummy · 23/01/2017 20:25

Sorry, but you're not there to make friends, you're there to provide your child with stimulation. Why do you care if they're cliquey? When I was on mat leave I loved taking my son to groups because we had such fun together and it got us out if the house. I really wasn't bothered about the other mums!

Blackfellpony · 23/01/2017 20:28

On a side note, does attending groups actually make a difference to the baby? Are babies who went to groups more social than those who didn't?

For what it's worth the thought of group things with strangers makes me cringe and I haven't managed to attend one yet...DS is 9 months

MrsJayy · 23/01/2017 20:38

No it doesn't make babies more social as long as your baby gets out and about sees other people sights and sounds that really and playing at home is enough. It is very good for the over 2s though

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/01/2017 20:42

It won't make a difference to your baby at that young age fellpony.

Mother and baby groups sole purpose is for mums to meet other mums and form a bit of a support network.
When they're toddlers they play and interact with each other a bit more but those skills, learning to share toys for example come later and can be learnt in other everyday situations.

Don't feel guilty if you don't want to go. I never did and my grown up children aren't social misfits who can't make friends.

glueandstick · 23/01/2017 20:44

My baby is a lot bigger and stronger than a lot of the babies at the group I went to and seemed to spend all the time 'hurting' the others. We left eventually as the other mums wouldn't let their kids near.

I felt awful. They were all under a year and I watched like a hawk. it was just everything the other kids did, mine just did a bit harder :(

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