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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe that I can be friends with who the hell I like?

29 replies

MrsExpo · 21/01/2017 12:55

Someone who used to be a very close friend seems to have fallen out with me, because I have recently become FB friends with someone she despises!! My new FB friend is someone with whom I am acquainted but am not close (they live 250 miles away), but with whom I share a common interest - photography. I have recently joined a photography group on FB and this person is also a member. Long story short, we have exchanged comments on each others images and are now "friends".

But now, my RL friend is not talking to me because of this association. I think she needs to grow up and get over it. I'll be friends - in RL or on FB - with who the heck I like and don't need hers, or anyone elses, permission to communicate with other people.

Why are some people so pathetic? So much for friendship ..... ARGH!!!

OP posts:
Foslady · 21/01/2017 13:00

Yes you can be friends with who you like but at the same time depends on what they have done to cause such anger to your other friend. I know there's people out there that have hurt me more than I'll ever admit physically and mentally and if a close friend became good friends with then it would certainly change the dynamics of the friendship for me.

Strongmummy · 21/01/2017 13:02

Well I agree that she needs to remind herself of the difference between FB and RL, however if she is a good friend of yours I'd have thought you'd want to consider her feelings surely? Why does she despise this FB friend? If it's for good reason then I can understand her being a little confused as to why you want to friend this person on FB. As you say yourself it's not RL so why is it important to you that you connect with her? I don't think you can be naive enough to think that others won't have thoughts and feelings about your actions?!

witsender · 21/01/2017 13:04

Surely it depends why they dislike them so much? And how much the original friendship is worth to you.

user1471545174 · 21/01/2017 13:04

You can be friends with who the hell you like, just as your RL friend is free to be offended by your FB friendship with someone she despises.

See how it works?

Trollspoopglitter · 21/01/2017 13:04

But your friend is also choosing to be friends with who she likes, so she doesn't need to grow up and get over anything. For whatever reason, she feels negatively toward that person and you not sharing that feeling is making her reevaluate how she views you and your friendship.

You don't appear to value her opinion at all. If one of my friends had such a strong reaction to a new acquaintance I didn't know in RL, I would give the benefit of the doubt and learn why. Not just tell her to grow up.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/01/2017 13:07

YNBU. This is like reading about a 5 year old in the playground.
I'm not your friend, if you play with her.

sandragreen · 21/01/2017 13:10

It depends on why your RL friend dislikes this other person.

If she has royally fucked her over - eg had affair with her husband, treated her like shit, then I would feel rather betrayed.

As PP have pointed out - yes, you can be friends with whomever you want, but that works both ways.

glitterazi · 21/01/2017 13:54

YADNBU. All this "not going to be friends with you if you're friends with her" type stuff drives me mad.
Some people seem hellbent on acting like 5 year olds even when they're supposed adults.

paddypants13 · 21/01/2017 13:57

Hmmm, I agree with you. I think I would speak to my friend and perhaps she suggest she changes her security settings and blocks this person so he/ she can't see any of her stuff if she feels so strongly about it.

picklemepopcorn · 21/01/2017 13:58

The thing is, you are preferring an FB friend over an RL friend. Have you asked why she is so worried about it? For example, if it turned out FB friend had form for ripping people off over wedding photography, or taking inappropriate photos, then I'd want to keep my distance.

On the face of it, no, she can't tell you who to be friends with. I'm not sure why you wouldn't care about the feelings of a RL friend, though.

Ilovecaindingle · 21/01/2017 14:00

Unless she has either shagged her dh or stolen from her she needs to grow up.

JumpingJellybeanz · 21/01/2017 14:04

YABU

It works both ways. You can be friends with who you like but so can she.

ems137 · 21/01/2017 14:16

It depends what this FB woman did to her really.

My ex beat me black and blue in the middle of the street, changed the locks so I couldn't get in our flat and had no where to go in a city I'd just moved to. My cousin tagged him and her with their arms round each other a few weeks later. Never spoke to her again! I don't think that's childish.

ellenlove · 21/01/2017 14:16

If a friend of mine was a Facebook friend of someone who had upset me, I wouldn't want to see things from him/her on the friends newsfeed. So I might unfriendly from Facebook, it wouldn't mean that I would stop being friends off Facebook.

PovertyPain · 21/01/2017 14:21

Did you know your RL friend didn't like your FB friend before you befriended her on Facebook? If you already knew, then if I were your friend it would make me feel a bit betrayed.

HecateAntaia · 21/01/2017 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWantATardis · 21/01/2017 14:41

Do you know why RL friend dislikes FB friend so much?

Original poster
MrsExpo · 21/01/2017 19:50

Some interesting replies. Thank you for your insights.

Of course RL friend can also choose to be friends who whoever she chooses (including myself, of course) but it's not like I actually see the FB person regularly or have any connection other than the occasional "like" or comment on FB.

The FB friend is the ex SiL of RL friend .... i.e. Used to be married to RL friend's brother. They spilt up through incompatibility: there was no third party involved on either side as far as I'm aware. After the split, FB friend left the area and moved back north to be nearer her own family. The FB thing is a tenuous connection between people who are, at best, acquaintances.

Whilst I fully accept that RL friend has choices too, I do think she's being a bit childish to flounce off over this. Her choice I guess .....

OP posts:
gleam · 21/01/2017 20:03

I thought you could filter what people see on FB, so you could make sure that RL friend can't see the stuff from FB friend?

bluebeck · 21/01/2017 20:31

OK, it sounds to me like you have deliberately befriended this "photography mate" who lives 250 miles away to annoy your RL friend. You admit you knew she didn't like her, and there must be a million other people interested in photography that you could align yourself with on FB.

And now she has bitten you are acting all aggrieved.

I can't see why you would need to befriend this woman on FB - if I were your RL friend I would see you for what you are and reconsider our friendship.

Trollspoopglitter · 21/01/2017 20:49

Agree, it's you that sound childish to be honest. It's not even an actual friend but a click of a mouse you've chosen Confused

witsender · 21/01/2017 22:48

Agreed. What do you gain from this online friendship that is worth losing a real friend over?

PovertyPain · 21/01/2017 22:53

The plus side is, at least the RL friend now knows what a fake friend you've been to her, so she can make some decent friends.

dollydaydream114 · 21/01/2017 23:50

It sounds as if your RL friend has quite strong reasons for her loathing of your FB friend, and possibly hasn't felt able to tell you the full backstory to this.

I don't care if my RL friends are FB friends with someone for whom I just have a standard dislike ... but when someone I know in RL friended my abusive ex (knowing full well that he had beaten me up several times) and was exchanging matey messages with him about how they must meet up for a pint soon, that was the end of my RL and FB friendship with them.

mumofthemonsters808 · 22/01/2017 00:06

It's a hard one,I felt let down by my Best Friend when she become Facebook friends with someone I no longer speak to.She then took this a step further and visited her in Spain, she justified this by saying it was only because she provided free accommodation in a popular holiday resort. Shes becoming quite a regular visitor too. Even though I don't like her being involved with her, I just leave her to it, because her version of loyalty is different from mine and it's easier to just accept that.