AIBU - daughter's messy room (with pics)

[mrsm43s]

So my daughter is 12, and her room is always messy. It drives me bonkers, and I'm constantly biting my tongue about it!

So, at 12 what is reasonable? I generally just shut the door to her room and walk on past, because the mess bothers me. Consequently the floor is rarely hoovered and the room rarely cleaned. She also loses/damages (her own) possessions as a result of the mess (e.g. losing one glove, facewash spilt on a book, accidentally sits on and snaps ruler etc). When this happens she either goes without, or replaces items with her own money.

She's not allowed food or drink in her room (apart from water bottle) because of the mess.

Her floor is generally clear in the middle, but mess and clutter round the edges of the room and on every surface, bed rarely made, and often has stuff (books, clothes etc) in it. She'll empty the bin or go and get washing when prompted and will strip and change the bed when asked. She'll shuffle round and tidy up a bit if pressed, but honestly not to what I would consider an acceptable standard.

Her room is a good size 13'x11' although the clutter makes it look small. Her brother is in the 6' x 6' box room by luck of birth order. His room is cluttered, but kept tidier than his sister's.

She's a great girl, polite, well behaved, achieving highly at school. She's busy with lots of extra curriculars and puts loads of effort into her school work. Do I let this slide? Is this level of mess acceptable for a 12 year old? I appreciate it could be far worse!

Honestly, if the smell doesn't make you vomit and you can tell what kind of floor covering there is, then it's fine. Might have been a good idea to check with her first before you posted pics of her dirty pants on the floor though.

I can totally anticipate her reaction - she'll laugh, dig me in the ribs and say "no more nagging, Mum", whilst taking on board the suggestion that she should run the hoover round every week or so. She's a superstar!

Well I'm so glad I read the whole thread before posting to ask how she reacts when you tell her to tidy up

Eh?

That is what you call messy?
My ds of same age, is quite messy. I am neat.
I say, right boys, we're going to have a 15 minute tidy up..... that's what we do.
Other times dh says 'right boys tidy you rooms. Or at least a bit!!
Other times I give it a tidy.
Other times we do it together.

That way it's never too bad.

If rooms actually stink then I have a word. Otherwise I leave it.

Tbh my room was always tidy at that age. I had no choice. I can't stand mess even now.

I think you're right to decide to let it go, OP. You should see what I shut the door on in a rage this morning. Sigh.

How about getting her proper bed and more grown up furniture. Isn't 12 a bit old for this kind of set-up?
It'll give you both the opportunity to have a clear out and tidy up too

That to me is messy my dd who is also 12 would not be allowed to leave the house with tidying that up. She does say I have OCD and that her room isn't ever really that bad. In my eyes it is.

It's far far tidier than my bedroom.

The bed is relatively new, and her choice. It's a full size adult high bed with storage, not a kids mid sleeper. She'd be devastated if I suggested she got rid of it and went back to a normal bed.

Most posters, "That's quite a tidy room, you should have seen my DD's/my room at that age". OP, "But, but....but". OP. If you want it even tidier than that, your house, your rules innit. But MN seem to be saying you are getting your knicks in a twist over something trivial. I'm not sure why it bothers you so much about her having the bigger room? Somebody had to?

That is messy. Those saying it isn't are trying to make themselves feel better about their own very messy houses or DC's rooms. Your standards aren't too high, their standards are too low.

It's not horrendously messy. It wouldn't be a health hazard if she left it. But it is cluttered and it'd be easier for her to find things and get things done if it was more organised. It's never going to be spotless, as she's 12, but could be better.

It'd take 20 minutes to tidy it or an hour to reorganise it so not a big job.

It's not too bad, I was expecting worse, however my 6 year old tidies her own room and brings her own clothes down etc but has done from since dot so it's just the way it is for us. I change and make her bed though and hoover it.

I don't think she's trying hard enough, she could be a lot messier than that. I mean, you can walk on let alone see the floor.

Wow, that you think that is messy!

I reckon most 12 year olds rooms would look more like a landfill site (AKA the Seagull Sanctuary) than a bedroom.

Chill, until you cannot see the carpet for dirty laundry! If that then becomes the worst thing you have to deal with consider yourself very lucky.

Christ, your DD's bedroom is tidier than mine is!

My bedroom has a built in wardrobe with sliding mirrored doors that takes up one whole wall, the window/raidiator takes up the second, one wall is flat and then other wall has various alcoves etc ... so the only furniture I can have in the room is the bed, a wooden dining chair (that got brought upstairs as a stepladder and never went back downstairs) and the TV stand with a shelf for my jewellery box/electronics charging station and they can go in three specific places in order to fit the room.

Which means that everything else has to go in the wardrobes and as long as everything is in it's place, I can close the wardrobes and my room looks pristine. However, because of that, all it takes is for a couple of things to be left out, the wardrobe door to be left slid half open so all the clutter is visible, yesterday's "worn so don't want to put back in wardrobe, but not dirty enough for the laundry basket" clothes left on the chair, the bed to be left unmade/not made properly, a book or two to be left on the tv stand, and it looks really messy.

Hoover the floor, not her bed.

It's really not very messy. My room when I was a teenager looked like a squat. In fact, my bedroom now is probably messier than hers!

Seriously, read your last paragraph again. She sounds like a fantastic girl. Sod the room!

You're a disgrace for putting a photo of your daughters bedroom on the Internet to try and get people to agree she's a slob.

I have two male lodgers one 21 the other 22 years. Both very tidy and clean. I asked them how they become like that. They said they had mothers who instilled clutter free rooms from an early age. So I think we reap what you sow. I'm not a clean freak but I do like clutter free and for me, your daughter's room would be unacceptable. Everything has a place. Tidy room. Tidy mind.

They said they had mothers who instilled clutter free rooms from an early age. So I think we reap what you sow.

Or you go like me - my moher was obsessed with the house being immaculate, everything had to be put away all the time ... and it was stifling.

Now my brother and I have our own homes, we're both clean but a bit messy and cluttered and our mother goes apopoleptic every time she comes over because of how messy it is ... but the only reason we're so messy/cluttered is because we now own our own places and nobody can make us tidy up.

mad my 8yr old DD's room steers ominously towards landfill site at times.

dd's room is very messy, she is a bit like your daughter, conscientious and works really hard, gets involved in things, lots of friends, busy life. She spends a lot of time trying to make her room nice, decor, moving furniture but doesn't really get the neat and tidy part. I intervene every now and then to tidy it when she is desperate but most of the time I just let it be her responsibility. She hoovers and changes sheets herself, declutters etc sporadically. But I think she likes the occasional big tidy from me; but I do it because she asks me to help rather than because I am cross about her mess. Dd is 14. I would say my standards are quite low though, I used to hate my mum screaming at me to tidy up. I like the way she is slowly working out how to manage her own territory, likes and dislikes about decor, mess etc. I think only when you are responsible do you really take pride in your own territory, if I was to be the one telling her to tidy up, it would be a battle. I still do occasionally though!

It's not being melodramatic at all.

What if her classmates see these pictures? She will have friends who will recognise her room, the DM may well publish the photos, pictures could easily pop up in soneone's news feed.

Bedrooms are our personal space.