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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm so upset

86 replies

LouBlue1507 · 20/01/2017 06:25

I slept in the spare room last night to get some decent sleep and DP stayed in our room with DD (nearly 6 months)

This morning he's told me she fell out of bed last night! He said DD seems ok, cried for a few minutes then went back to sleep.

I'm so upset. I feel guilty I wasn't there and angry that this happened. I'm trying not to be angry with DP, I know it's not his fault and these things happen.

I'm going to the GPs today so will ask them to check her over quickly for me.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 20/01/2017 10:52

The thing is that the OP was so bloody exhausted she took the unusual step of sleeping in another room and leaving her DH with doing the night wake ups.

When the baby woke up, instead of looking after it like the OP does , you know, in the way that made her so bloody exhausted in the first place, he decided to do it the easy way and take the baby into bed with him, cause, you know, he was getting a bit tired!

Which isn't safe as they haven't got bed guards get, which he didn't realise, and he is apparently allowed to not realise because he is only a man.

So the baby falls out of bed and might have got hurt (but probably didn't).

The OP would have liked to have checked for herself whether the baby was hurt or not.

So the OP has two choices:

she can carry on exhausting herself looking after her baby,

she can take time off but she has now been shown that if she does the baby could well get hurt because her DH will take shortcuts and not put the baby's safety first.

she can accept that

BalloonSlayer · 20/01/2017 10:54

sorry that last line should not have been there

haywhenthesunshines · 20/01/2017 10:55

Wow- alot of attacking the OP going on.
If course you are not being unreasonable OP. Your baby was hurt when you left her with the person you trust her with.it's nobodies fault though so best not to let this use up your energy anymore. Put the guards on so you can not worry this will happen again.

Guitargirl · 20/01/2017 11:07

Treacle - you sound hysterical. I don't see any NASTY, IRRESPONSIBLE BULLYING on this thread.

Pollyanna9 · 20/01/2017 11:17

Balloonslayer has succinctly and correctly hit the nail on the head. Absolutely spot on.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 20/01/2017 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 20/01/2017 11:24

Get a cot on the side of your bed.

Be strict with yourself and sleep when the baby sleeps just for a few days, if possible.

Accidents happen, they're called accidents not beat-myself-with-a-stickcidents.

I woke once and my baby was at the bottom of my bed under the covers by my feet...... he lived. Fucking awful though.

DistanceCall · 20/01/2017 11:28

Your DP is your daughter's father, and as much her parent as you are. The child's mother is not the be-all and end-all. It could have happened to either one of you. Get some bed guards and move on. (And yes, you would be wasting your GP's time).

YABU.

ailPartout · 20/01/2017 11:46

GivenupSocialmediaN
Men are not fit to co-sleep at all. They are not in tune with the baby like you.

Troll or for real?

GrouchyKiwi · 20/01/2017 11:49

YANBU to be upset that your baby got hurt, especially with PND and anxiety. They make everything look worse.

Your DP was irresponsible in not making sure the baby was safe - pillows, guard, whatever - and you would be right to calmly point this out to him.

YANBU to get your baby checked by the GP, though ringing ahead might be a good idea.

YAB a little U to be as upset as you are, though. Most babies have rolled off beds with no harm, and your baby will hurt herself many times as she learns to move. They're soft and squishy to mitigate for this.

Hope you feel better soon.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2017 11:57

GivenupSocialmediaN - Men are not fit to co-sleep at all. They are not in tune with the baby like you.

I woke once and my baby was at the bottom of my bed under the covers by my feet......he lived. Fucking awful though.

Are you a man?

If not, your sexist generalisation makes no sense.

IrianOfW · 20/01/2017 12:03

Of course you are upset. It's frightening and you are already struggling with PND.

But it could have happened to you. It could have happened to anyone. Try not to be angry with your DH - it won't help anyone and you both need to be on the same side.

flownthecoopkiwi · 20/01/2017 12:24

it happens, they bounce. It was a bed after all, not high. Mine has done it with me in the bed. Little rolling sods.

Mine crawled off a table once. Not my finest parenting hour, but these things happen.

mogonfoxnight · 20/01/2017 12:39

All babies fall off the bed, sofa, something, at some point. Every one of them.

Mine didn't. That is not to say we didn't have near misses - a couple of times I grabbed them just as they were sliding. But it isn't true they all do. First time eldest fell off the bed he was 4 and was himself in charge (he wasn't even asleep, but that is another story).

treacletreacle which part of the head?! For some reason I feel I just have to know this now!

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/01/2017 12:47

Hello OP,

Given the circumstances, plus, the fact you weren't there. I think it's probably best to get LO checked out. If for nothing more than reassurance for yourself.

Accidents happen. All we can do is learn from them and take preventative measures in the future.

It's the easiest mistake to do, when a LO won't settle in their cot you take them into your bed and before you know it you've fallen asleep and they've rolled off. It takes seconds.

By the sound of things your DH had the best of intentions. Plus, he told you. He could of easily not mentioned it and you'd of been none the wiser?

user1484317265 · 20/01/2017 13:11

Mine didn't. That is not to say we didn't have near misses - a couple of times I grabbed them just as they were sliding. But it isn't true they all do

How can you be sure? Certainly possible it happened when you weren't there, when their dad/gran/babysitter/creche/whatever didn't tell you.

Last year I was talking to family and saying how pleased I was that the youngest had got to a year old and I hadn't let her fall off the bed/sofa/etc like all the others had at some point. Noticed himself was looking sheepish and he said..."well actually...."

user1484317265 · 20/01/2017 13:15

Stupid man-bashing! Maybe he does things differently to the OP, nothing wrong with that. I know my DH treats the baby totally differently to the way I do, and since he is just as much a parent to her as I am, that is his prerogative to do so, whatever works for him while its his turn is his business.
So an accident happened, that doesn't mean he did automatically did anything wrong, it means an accident happened. Could just as easily been an accident with OP and whatever way she does things.

Why blame for no reason?

mogonfoxnight · 20/01/2017 13:18

How can you be sure? Certainly possible it happened when you weren't there, when their dad/gran/babysitter/creche/whatever didn't tell you.

I was a sahm, and dc didn't spend the night away, and didn't start nursery until 3 so up to that point I am certain. (Wondering if I will now be told IAU for being over protective..)

user1484317265 · 20/01/2017 13:22

You never left them alone with their other parent for ten minutes?
If that is the case then yes, overprotective!

Pollyanna9 · 20/01/2017 14:02

For many of you replying I can only assume you've never suffered from anxiety.

I would love to know what it's like to not feel some level of it at all times apart from when I'm asleep (when I can sleep), drunk or in the throes of some very good sex (virtually never then).

Like depression, it cannot be switched on and off. Unlike depression which can get better, anxiety is often with you for life. Also many people have it but don't even know they've got it / can't understand why they are behaving and reacting like they're doing.

So OP your reaction if tainted by anxiety, I get it and fully understand.

He 'took responsibility' for the child (and yet he didn't do that in reality because he didn't create a safe co-sleeping situation) and then the child fell off the bed. Thankfully unharmed I'm quite sure but that's really not the point.

Some of OPs reaction is normal mom reaction, a bit of anxiety and probably a smidge of anger that her DP when 'taking responsibility' to kindly give her a rest, he totally forgot about safety! Co-sleeping is not be messed about with - OP probably feels she couldn't leave the child with him again so she needs to address it and make sure any such 'help' is planned far more carefully the next time so she CAN relax and enjoy it.

user1484317265 · 20/01/2017 16:25

If you're suffering from anxiety (which is lately so pathologised that it doesn't seem to exist as a normal human emotion anymore) then all the more reason to be told that your reactions are unfair and exaggerated.
It's even more helpful in that instance, since you can't always tell if you've blown it out of proportion.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 20/01/2017 16:59

GivenupSocialmediaN - Men are not fit to co-sleep at all. They are not in tune with the baby like you.

I woke once and my baby was at the bottom of my bed under the covers by my feet......he lived. Fucking awful though.

Are you a man?

If not, your sexist generalisation makes no sense.

No Worral. I'm not a man, but the hypothalamus isn't as fine tuned with a father as a mother and as such I don't think they're as well suited to co-sleep.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 20/01/2017 17:04

Besides this is my opinion based on a number of anecdotal incidents.... I'm not a paediatrician.

Twiggy71 · 20/01/2017 17:11

Hope all is well with you now Loublue and you and your baby have been checked over by the dr.

mogonfoxnight · 20/01/2017 21:36

op, I second that, hope you are reassured by dr and sorry you got a hard time on here.

user1484317265, yes dh looked after dc and i am sure he'd have told me if they had rolled off bed when i was out of the room. if dc had as babies rolled off beds under my watch dh would have been angry and upset about it as his initial reaction, just like op, so i don't think it was manbashing.

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