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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ignores me every evening.

81 replies

yellowflags · 19/01/2017 21:55

DH comes home from work at 7.30, makes himself some food, and then watches the iPad with his headphones in all evening. He lies across the sofa so there's nowhere for me to sit. He likes to have the lights off so I can't sit in there and read. There is nowhere else to sit in our house apart from the hall (ktichen is tiny, DC sleeping in our room).

I feel so sad and miserable that I spend most evenings standing in the kitchen, comfort eating, reading mumsnet. When I try to talk to him he sighs, takes his headphones out but never takes his eyes off the screen. Every so often he pesters me for sex.

AIBU or is he really fucking mean?

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 19/01/2017 22:35

I am divorcing my h for similar reasons. The pp who said it is so sad he doesn't give a shit about your needs.

Honestly. Ltb.

AshesandDust · 19/01/2017 22:39

You sound so sad and unhappy. Flowers
Tell him you need the light on to download divorce forms.

neweymcnewname · 19/01/2017 22:41

My ex was similar - i think i realised it was over when I realised he'd gradually taught his DCs not to try talking to him, as he was always engrossed in a book and music. They began to just ignore him in the same room, and come and grt me from the kitchen to show me things, or ask for anything....there is something very unloveable about repeatedly ignoring ur DCs :-(. Is your DH interested in your DC OP?

therealpippi · 19/01/2017 22:42

I am talking for myself here, not the op. I was no mouse. I complained, I suggested, I explained, I demanded.

Truth is these things should not even be asked. Maybe one night, and the answer should be "oh I am sorry I didn't realise...". Never the "i am tired, I worked all day, I can't go to the bedroom because I'll feel excluded, you've the house to yourself when I am at work". Any of the above and it's either therapy (at a push) or the door.

Interestingly now that xh lives in his own, not only he ismuch nicer but also he doesn't seem to need to isolate himself so much. It was me he did not want to be with. Conscious or not, it did hurt a lot.

But now it is over and I am free. And he is much more considerate as a friend, and when he is not I can ignore him and go to sit on the sofa with the cat in silence on with my life.

It is bliss, to not not be wanted, to not be invisible anymore, because in the end you become invisible to yourself.

Report back OP

therealpippi · 19/01/2017 22:42

Ashes Grin

therealpippi · 19/01/2017 22:47

Newey how's your xh with the dc now? Mine is much more engaged. Which reunforces the fact that it was for the best and I was right.

Mine was battling with a lot of shit in his head, that's how I justified it. Till shot happened to me and I did not feel like pushing him away. That's when I realised, this is just about me and him.

Freakbag · 19/01/2017 22:48

What is it like when you have days off together such as on weekends?

Kpo58 · 19/01/2017 22:48

Also remind him that him wanting sex does not equal sharing quality time together.

nicenewdusters · 19/01/2017 22:52

Did he just leave the room when you asked him OP? No argument?

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 19/01/2017 22:54

Furry that sound just as bad. What about a reading type lamp next to your chair so you can do your crotchet, just for the short term I mean. Do you not feel that you can try and change things?

BrondeBombshell · 19/01/2017 23:05

He expects you to sit in the dark night after night!? And sighs when you try to initiate conversation, but expects you to want to have sex with him ha ha ha, tell him I said that's fuckin' hilarious.

LagunaBubbles · 19/01/2017 23:05

Why are you still with him? This isn't a relationship.

Original poster
yellowflags · 19/01/2017 23:05

Well, I had a very pleasant time watching TV on my own. But as lots of pp have said, it goes deeper than this. I have said we need to talk tomorrow. maybe one of our problems is that we don't actually have any spare time together - shift work and DC - so one of us is always tired and a bit moody.

OP posts:
TheaSaxby · 19/01/2017 23:06

My ex was the same. Lights off and meditation music on - in the living room - at 7pm on a Saturday. Me and the two DC sitting there while he did yoga breaths!

During the week it was his headphones in and sitting with his back to me on the computer in the evening. Occasionally took them out to ask what was for tea.

I'm rid of him now and love the freedom!

Benedikte2 · 19/01/2017 23:22

Thea, snap! I thought I was the only one. What a relief it was when I left your post and this thread has brought it all back to me. There was just no reasoning either arguments all got turned back on me.
OP things will only get worse if your DH can't see your point of view. Tiredness isn't an adequate excuse for his attitude. Can you imagine living like this forever?

NeverGoOutOfStyle · 19/01/2017 23:23

Honestly if this were me I would LTB, regardless of anything else his distinct lack of consideration for your needs should be enough! Unless he has some type of redeeming feature that makes you stay you shouldn't put up with this behaviour, how awful of him.

zen1 · 19/01/2017 23:40

Sorry OP, but I can't see what you get out of being with him. He sounds rude and unpleasant. If you are effectively spending every evening by yourself anyway, wouldn't you just be better off out of the relationship? At least you'd be able to relax in your own home without worrying about whether you're disturbing him. What's he like at weekends / on days off from work?

EvieSparkles0x · 19/01/2017 23:47

Owh poor you OP, I really hope things get better for you :(

Good luck with the talk, I was thinking is it maybe possible you two aren't communicating enough and therefor feel like each is rejecting the other? (Him - sexy times, You - relaxing together in the living room).

And you may well be right WRT opposite schedules meaning you are going through a bit of a blip. Are your DC quite young? I think you need to have a chat and make some time for eachother, even if it's just a nice dinner and movie at home. Good luck! :)

Atenco · 20/01/2017 00:54

EvieSparkles0x

This

If there is any hope you've both got to organise some time together when neither of you is wrecked.

MommaGee · 20/01/2017 01:12

@FurryLittleTwerp
I end up in the kitchen because my DH likes to listen to music in the dark or watch TV with no lights on.
Except he won't let me have enough light on to crochet by

Same question to you and Yellow.

Why are you still there?
Please see you deserve better. Vyou deserve to be safe and comfortable in your own home.
He needs to change or go. Perhaps they can cohabit in a dark cave

Patsy99 · 20/01/2017 01:16

Well done op!

We all need to chill out on our own some nights but completely blocking out your partner every evening isn't really a functioning relationship.

And his selfishness is jaw dropping. Sounds like there are some serious problems here 💐

Theladyloriana · 20/01/2017 05:13

Op this is not OK!

It is miserable. I could have written your post a few years ago when living in small flat with DC and dh. I would be standing up in the kitchen while he had an early night in the living room, alone. We moved to a bigger place. He was still a selfish arsehole. I left him last year. My quality of life has improved immeasurably. Best of luck Flowers

RaeSkywalker · 20/01/2017 06:03

Good luck with the talk OP. What would you like the outcome to be? I'm glad that you recognise that his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/01/2017 06:37

When you have to point out the most basic of human emotions its a downward spiral. When did you enter the nothingness phase? Start reclaiming the lights, the sofa and YOUR life.

Stop making excuses for him. He has a bad back, he works shifts...NEITHER of those factors turn someone into a self centred twat, they will merely personify what he was already like.

I'm guessing this is the tip of the iceberg OP?

blueskyinmarch · 20/01/2017 06:46

Gosh he sounds like a right charmer. My DH likes to finish off some work e mails and stuff at night but he would never ask me to turn the TV off. Also if he wants to watch sport and I am watching something else he will happily sit in the kitchen with his iPad to do it rather than have me be uncomfortable. That is how a nice partner acts.