To ask for good answers to rude personal comments and questions

[Altimate]

DH's sister and her partner always upset me by the personal comments and questions they make to me when we see them. They have the knack of digging exactly where I am most sensitive. I avoid them whenever I can, but she is DH's only relative so can't go completely NC. I get so tense and wound up whenever we have to meet up with them and DH is no good at all at supporting me. Would IBU to hit back with some of my own? What can I say?

I like
have you put on weight? whys that, are you worried about your belly?
are you having a potato with that? OMG this is a potato?? I thought it was a bloody cucumber
Isn't DGD walking yet? we've decided to disallow walking, it's dangerous
You don't see much of your son do you? no, I've terrible eyesight
Why haven't you been promoted yet? I'm a raging alcoholic sociopath and my boss doesn't seem to like it
I'd just have to be so ridiculous in my responses

The fuckers. Sorry it went like that OP, poor you. Glad your DH stood up for you though. How often do you need to see them?

BillSykes 😂

I usually say a Policeman wouldnt ask me that.And smile.

Oh Altimate, I'm sorry it went so wrong. Keep practising. I channel MN a lot now, and it has helped me with everyday situations. Glad your DH stepped in. Keep trying, I'm sure you'll get there.

Bill, yes I meant you [BillySykesDog]. I'm also female, but don't worry - I wanted to run away with you for your wit. Not interested in your clit nor either tit!

Oh, OP, they sound AWFUL. How dreadfully ill-mannered of them to hound you like that. Glad your DH stood up for you.

Don't be down on yourself for not perfecting your response. Changing things like this takes practice.

Maybe channel an 'I don't give a flying fuck what they think about me' attitude in the meantime. Works for me!

Captain Awkward advocates a deadpan stare and a single word. "Wow." It conveys the ridiculousness of the question, and places any awkwardness right back where it belongs: on the person who made it awkward by asking the awkward question/making the awkward remark.

They "win" if you get visibly flustered, because a lot of the time, this is their endgame. Eliminate the fun in this pursuit for them. Practice raising one eyebrow, giving your best "did you seriously just say/ask that" and that single word. "Wow."