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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for good answers to rude personal comments and questions

82 replies

Altimate · 19/01/2017 18:03

DH's sister and her partner always upset me by the personal comments and questions they make to me when we see them. They have the knack of digging exactly where I am most sensitive. I avoid them whenever I can, but she is DH's only relative so can't go completely NC. I get so tense and wound up whenever we have to meet up with them and DH is no good at all at supporting me. Would IBU to hit back with some of my own? What can I say?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 19/01/2017 22:49

Questions, questions....

'Enough about me! < tinkly little laugh> I've thrilled you for long enough. Now, , how are your poor piles?'

She will deny piles

'Oh, come on now, < little chuckle>, nobody has that cats bum face unless their piles are really bad.'

Then take several potatoes and say she'd best not sit for too long so time for home very soon.

BillSykesDog · 19/01/2017 22:50

Does anyone have advice on how to tell people to stop asking about baby plans in a nice way

In a nice way? Say 'We haven't made any firm plans yet, but when we do we're going to keep it entirely to ourselves so we don't feel under pressure'.

Although if it was me I'd say 'Fuck off love, spending a weekend with your little shits has put me off for at least another decade'. But then I'm a class A bastard.

MommaGee · 19/01/2017 23:10

Have you put on weight? No - but don't worry, you look fine too
Are you really having a potato with that?' Mmmm yup, and maybe some pie after!
'Isn't (DGD) walking yet?' we're focusing on her street dancing routines at this age
'You don't see much of your son, do you' well he's so busy with his job ATM, we're very proud
'Why haven't you been promoted yet?" what and swap my lovely job for lots of stress? Do you need some career advice?

MommaGee · 19/01/2017 23:19

irishlass1234
I struggled to conceive so when I got married and people started asking, I was just honest. Oh we are trying, but we're not getting anywhere. They normally shut up out of embarrassment.
If not just reply curtly with a nope, are you? Rises eyebrow, tilt head to stare at their tummy

Laserbird16 · 19/01/2017 23:31

It could just be that they are terrible conversationalists. I'd distract and redirect. Ask a tonne of inane questions. Asnswer any they ask in a positive way 'Oh, I'd love to see my son all the time. I'm so proud of himx he has done. Oh you know who I did see... blah, blah blah.' Don your rhino skin for the more straight up rude questions about your weight and redirect too, ' I heard potatoes have more vitamin C than oranges, do you think that is true?' Seeing you don't care about their questions will take the fun out of it if they're deliberately trying to hurt you, if they are just bad at conversations you' ll be able to steer it into more neutral territory

HecateAntaia · 19/01/2017 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2017 23:50

TheOtherGalen has nailed it, BRILLIANT. Grin

[MarklahMarklah] that is terrible! I am sorry you had to deal with that shit! I was once asked THREE times in a row by the same person if I was pregnant, or rather she seemed unable to accept my first answer! I was not.

Politix · 19/01/2017 23:50

Does anyone have advice on how to tell people to stop asking about baby plans in a nice way

"Do you mind not asking or hinting about whether I'm going to try for a baby, I don't like it. Thank you"

There is no need to complicate things.

IMissGrannyW · 20/01/2017 00:14

OMG, this thread is AMAZING. I'm not even going to offer the suggestions I was planning as I read it, because everything offered is just so good (mine was "sorry, what did you say? What does that mean???" Pathetic in comparison to what's been offered).

OP, PLEASE come back and update how it goes!

Does anyone think I've got a realistic chance of running away with Bill and being with them forever? I'd be adoring and never rude!

irishlass1234 - can you not say "I'd rather not discuss my sex life, thank you" and leave it there?

paxillin · 20/01/2017 00:25

Alternative method: Stare at her, aim for mild surprise. Raise one eyebrow only. Then let your gaze wander from person to person, finally ending at her again. Little smirk. Continue eating. Imagine she farted every time she says something rude.

RortyCrankle · 20/01/2017 00:28

Don't give explanations to these people. I wouldn't dignify their stupid questions by answering with anything more than YES, NO, WHY, WHAT or say nothing, raise an eyebrow, put a smirk on your face and walk away.

Rachel0Greep · 20/01/2017 00:39

As well as palming them off, as others have rightly suggested, learn to very quickly change the subject. For example, while listening intently to their rude question, look over their shoulder/round the corner, etc & say"Oh, my goodness... then fill in the blank with some diversionary comments, such as, "I just saw an enormous bird fly past the window" "I completely forgot, I have a TV show I must record right now" "I must just go switch the oven on".
In a word, don't get pinned down -flee. Good luck! These techniques are very important life skills, as, believe you me, they aren't the only rude people you will run into in life.

Completely agree. Cultivate an air of distraction. Lots of ums and ahs while gazing into the distance. Believe me, it works.

Stonewash · 20/01/2017 01:07

"Are you really having a potato with that?"
"Are you trying to tell me it isn't a potato?"

"Have you put on weight?"
"No, have you?"

"Why haven't you been promoted yet?"
"I love my job, there's always something interesting to do and the people are great" (ignoring the question positively)

And finally... "Did you mean to be so rude?"

BillSykesDog · 20/01/2017 01:23

Me Bill? Well I am female, but if you're happy with that I'm game for it. You can be as rude as you like though flower, don't do manners in my gaff.

Spermysextowel · 20/01/2017 01:38

I think a previous recommendation to answer with a question is good.
'Have you put on weight?' Do you think so?
'Are you going to have a potato with that? 'Do you think I shouldn't ?

Isn't DGD walking yet?' 'Do you think that's unusual?'
She's upset you with a lot of innuendo but if forced to back it up with bald statements she may shut up.

AmeliaJack · 20/01/2017 01:42

What about answering a question with a question? So:

Have you put on weight? "have you?"

When will you get promoted? "Does your boss like you?"

When are you going to have a baby? "when did you last make love? Oh sorry I thought you wanted to discuss sex lives?"

It's just a joke! "You always say that, but it's never funny? Interestingly enough that's just what bullies do you know - say something mean and then say it was a joke. You want to be careful, wouldn't want anyone say that you were bullies..."

EstelleRoberts · 20/01/2017 02:30

People like that are fucking infuriating. There have been some great suggestions so far. My two pennorth:

Have you put on weight? I really couldn't say, I never weigh myself. People who obsess about weight are sooo boring, aren't they?

Are you really having a potato with that?' Of course I am. It's a potato, not crack. Nothing to be alarmed about. Don't tell me you're worried about eating a potato? Are you suffering a bit with anxiety at the moment?

'Isn't (DGD) walking yet?' No, it would be very early, and in any case, DS/DD and spouse are really not the sort of tedious, neurotic parents who push their child on these things. She'll walk at the right time for her.

You don't see much of your son do you? Not so much lately, he's been super busy at work. We are so proud, did I tell you that.... (go off on 20 minute boast about son's promotion, important project, how well boss thinks of him, yadda yadda).

'Why haven't you been promoted yet? Well, my boss keeps asking me why I don't apply for them, but I'm so happy doing what I do and don't want the extra stress. I'm just so blessed to love my work! How about you?

She needs to be served with her own sauce.

anklebitersmum · 20/01/2017 02:42

BillSykesDog Grin

Class.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 20/01/2017 03:05

These are so brilliant that I want rude assholes in my life so I can use them.

Bill has another admirer over here Grin

Spermysextowel · 20/01/2017 04:13

you've said you don't want to lose contact with DH's only family. I'd be cautious about following some of the more drastic advice.
It sounds like you've been brow-beaten so just don't let that continue. Good luck.

Chottie · 20/01/2017 05:10

Answer to "haven't you put on weight?"

A sweet smile and laugh "funny, I was thinking exactly the same about you!"

Job done.

Chottie · 20/01/2017 05:14

Another answer is a general one.

"really, what makes you say that?" again with a head tilt and sweet smile....

OrraBoralis · 20/01/2017 07:29

I agree with PP about answering their questions with a question.
have you put on weight? Do you think I have?

why is she not walking yet? Do you think she should be?

why are you not promoted at work? Do you know enough about my work to suggest I should be promoted?

Some people are just shit and it has taken me years to realise it and some people are just clueless, don't have much time for any of those now.

Original poster
Altimate · 22/01/2017 20:36

Thanks to everyone who replied, with loads of good answers and advice. BUT ...... things didn't exactly go according to plan. I ended up cowering in the car because they just went on and on about why didn't I answer, what was wrong with me etc. I think I should have got one of you to go in my place., you would have been brilliant. Still shaking.
On the plus side, my DH did actually stand up for me for once.

OP posts:
TheHarpy · 22/01/2017 20:47

Sorry to hear that, OP? They sound ghastly. What approach did you try on them? If you can bear to say what they said, what you said and then what they said back, people could help you 'role play' a bit to lay the ground for a better go next time?

When you say 'cowering in the car', do you mean you actually ran out of the house? Are you actually frightened of them?

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