Low confidence, but DH has such high expectations

[DogTiredWife]

I'm a regular on here, however NCed because this post is very personal. I've been married to DH for six and a half years, we have two DC. DH has a good job earns over £150k per year( in a good year teice that). He has always made it clear he wants our DC to go to private school and now our second child is coming up to that age. We live in London. I have been a SAHM for the last five years. I literally do everything at home and am totally financially dependent on him. Before the DC I worked and earned about £32k a year. However when we met I had some debts quite large ones after being made reundant several times, helping my brother during the recession, a bad friendship with an alcoholic friend who I was too weak to say no too and I had depression, and paid for a hiludau with DH. DH works long hours, mocks me, never does anything for the children, and gives me very little money (£1000 a month) I know to some people this is loads, but we live in huge house in London, he eats like a horse and has loads of allergies and expects me to pay for car maintaince, street parking outside the house £220 per annum, food (read fancy cheese, organic stuff), presents for his family usually £50 a pop, phone and broadband, kids presents, dinner parties, clothes, petrol, any handymen or plumbers and it's an old house so stuff goes wrong often. He pays the mortgage and utilities. But I'm not on the house deeds, it's for the most part paid off. He also has a flat he owns and rents out, I manage the tenants. He is never around in the evenings because he is at work I do everything with the kids, I rarely go out in the evenings, I never feel I can count on him on Saturday's he lies in till 11 then likes to go out yo fancy restaurants for lunch. He rarely plays with the kids but when he does he is good but it's easy to be good when you only do it two hours a week. I cook from scratch everyday, do all housework get up with the kids, always put them to bed etc. He is also a heavy drinker and drinks about half to a whole bottle of wine a night. Awhile back he told me he just has a low libido and maybe it will come back but basically he's not interested, I feel hurt but tbh I've gone off him because he humiliates me. I will never be as clever or earn as much as him, but now he says I must get a proper job by September so I can pay one set of school fees, I'm happy to work but I feel division of money is quite uneven if I have to pay school fees probably around £20000 a year when you factor in uniforms, transport and school lunches. AIBU to think this is all a bit unfair. He also has lots of savings, investments and a big pension pot. He cancelled the joint accpunt because he thought I was having a negative impact on his credit rating. When I say joint account he put money in and never used it but kept track on everything I spent and ig I had toask for extra money he makes me grovel, when we opened it he said, if you need more just ask but it hasn't been like that.

Sorry about the long ramble but do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit taken aback about paying one set of school fees? I know I'll still do everything else at home too, I don't know where to start with a job he always laughs at what I say, patronizes me and I hust feel soo useless.

"hard to be assertive with someone who argues for a living" - I'm guessing he's a lawyer?

Your solicitor will do the arguing.

He is financially abusive (look it up).

His brain won't be as sharp as he likes to think if he's putting away that much booze.

This is why I rolled my eyes when that silly bitch in the Daily Fail said she would rather her daughter marry a rich man than she go to University. Just because a man has money doesn't mean he wants to share! Some are really controlling barstewards.

Definitely leave him.

Agree with your point deathray, and dislike of DM, but no need for sexist language!

You're doing it all yourself anyway, so you may as well continue without him. Also if you have to get a job, then you will be earning anyway. There's absolutley nothing in this relationship for you, and everything in it for him, it does sounds onesided and he's treating you like a housekeeper not a wife.

Where are you from, could you move out of london, put the children in a good state school and get a job?

He really doesn't' sound like he cares about anyone but himself (and status credit rating, children at private school). You deserve more. Go to the lawyer before he knows anything!

With a good lawyer and that much equity you could probably afford a big deposit on a property in catchment for popular state schools.

Oh my goodness, not rtft so I don't know if any developments but your husband sounds like a very nasty piece of work. Please think about leaving him, you would be so much happier without someone like this.

I was just going to come on and say the same thing as Surrey. Abuser 101 is to elevate themselves high while they push their victim low.

Bottom line, even if he is a prick about money you'll be okay. You can provide for your kids one way or another, you can give them a better life.

Start writing down everything he has done to you big and small.

Cal women's aid.

He does sound awful, you are there to sevice him, there sounds no love there. You would be happier on your own I am afraid.

This is why I rolled my eyes when that silly bitch in the Daily Fail said she would rather her daughter marry a rich man than she go to University. Just because a man has money doesn't mean he wants to share! Some are really controlling barstewards

Yup, completely agree death. Advice like that to young girls is setting them up for a life of being trapped or of poverty if they do manage to get out but can't work to support themselves. Awful.

Also, I think 'silly bitch' is entirely acceptable in these circumstances. We call men stupid bastards- what's good for the goose is good for the gander etc. I might have used 'twat' instead....
To the OP, divorce his ass. This is no way to live. You could get a nice little house and start building your confidence up again.

I read the OP with mouth wide open. What an absolute fucking cock. He's abusing you. Get rid of him!!!

Oh, OP. What a bastard your h is.

You've had great advice on here so I'll just offer a hand hold and some

I would definitely get a job when you are able, not to pay the school fees, tell him you are not! If he wants a private school, he pays. A Job so that you have your own money. There is some good advice on here.

With an H and situation like this I doubt Op can rely on him to pay fees.

What an evil controlling arsehole. You're well out of there.

Just a suggestion but could you get this moved to relationships. You'll probably get even more practical support and emotional support there.

I've been in a relationship which was financially abusive and I think it's the fact it's coupled with emotional abuse which makes you scared to challenge money matters that the rational part of you knows are really out of order but somehow you buy into their warped way of thinking.
It doesn't mean you're stupid and he's clever. It's just he ground you down so being assertive feels so wrong.

Good luck

Oh wow fidelia - harsh but may be true. I also thought he's probably cheating on you op but didn't like to say. He just seems to take you so for granted and is very entitled.
I still think play him at his own game - is there a course or something you'd like to do to switch careers or rebuild your career? Nominally agree to him - say u need to do course- get him to pay for it (telling him you'll pay fees with the job after) then after course divorce him claiming half of everything and use that to pay fees. Point is get yourself in a position to leave before you do.

I would say there is a sub text here, which is the ops husband never wanted her to be a stay at home mum, but has actually supported her financially throughout, albeit grudgingly.

If she got a job at the same earning level as she was on before, she'd be contributing prob half her salary, the rest would be hers. I'd guess his outgoings in terms of house and kids are probably much much higher than she is thinking. The mortgage could be very high as an example. Yes he is a high earner, but I don't think that means she doesn't need to work or contribute financially now the kids will be at school and when she works he needs to do more at home. Right now she's doing the bulk of it as she doesn't work.

She needs to get back to work, get some independence, and they need to change they way they live, he needs to do more at home and she needs to contribute financially.

To be honest, I earn in the same region as her husband, but i would not be happy if my husband didn't work, especially once our daughter was at school. I wouldn't have behaved financially like her husband has, controlling her access to money, but I'd not be happy about it either. It has to be a joint agreement for one person to be the sole bread winner and the other to stay at home.

As for taking her name off the joint account saying she was giving him a bad credit rating, this says he originally had her having full access, but stopped it due to spending habits and put her on a very tight budget. She admits she previously got into debt, which i suspect he bailed her out of.

I think the fundamental disconnect here is the fact he thinks she should work and contribute, and she is not so keen. The lack of sex could be due to either work pressures or an unhappiness in how the relationship is working out.

If this was a man not working and a woman earning who wanted her husband to work and contribute once the kids were at school , whose wife never agreed for him to be a stay at home dad and had a history of poor spending management, I think the responses may be slightly different. It's really all about the way it's been phrased, but the fundamental issue between them is money,

OP could not and still cannot realistically WoH and do everything at home too, which is seemingly what her H wants.

OP could not and still cannot realistically WoH and do everything at home too, which is seemingly what her H wants.

He is being financially abusive.

You are doing two jobs which have financial value - 1) looking after the home and your children and 2) managing the rental property.

On those alone you would be on more than £1000 a week anyway so he is underpaying you even if you take away the fact that his money is family money.

You're not his slave. If you leave, you'll be in a better financial position and happier.

If it happens that you can't afford it in future, private school is not essential. You could refuse to fund it now with little consequence for your DC.

Bluntness, I see your point, and that would be my husband's argument.

When I say joint account, we had an account together, he put money in every month but never touched it, it is not like I had access to everything. We only did it when I became a mum and only after my maternity pay had run out.

I'm not good with money like he is, because I've never worked in an especially stable job, I also believe in enjoying life too, my husband is extremely tight except when it comes to his own pursuits, drinking, eating out, cycling, etc. He complains if the DC get a new coat or shoes.

I've never exactly bought diamond earrings and I can tell you the price of anything in the supermarket, I mainly buy my own clothes from charity shops. I try hard not to waste food. I'm not profligate, I can't be.

A lot of it is about money but he has wrecked my confidence by patronising me and laughing at me, there are often snide comments. I also now feel I have nothing to say to him we aren't a partnership, we're totally separate individuals. I would love to work but I can't imagine anyone wanting me or being able to be a good enough mother to my two DC who need stability.

Don't just stay with this vile creature because you feel you can't afford to leave. Have some self respect this man is financially abusing you.

There is no excuse for financial (& emotional) abuse.

You are not 'coming across as a bit of a victim', or in any way to blame. The fact that you had to stay at home longer is absolutely not an excuse for the awful abuse. You sound like you do a hell of a lot, and it's pretty clear that you would have to carry on all that whilst also working, as he's got you permanently on the back foot and degrades your vital contributions to the family. I'm not sure why that would change whatever more you take on. Abusers will continue to abuse. There's never a good reason for it and as it's not actually a cause and effect thing, you cannot change something to stop the abuse. The abuser is entirely responsible for their own behaviour. It's a slippery slope to start believing that anyone else can control the abuse that they meet out. Abusers want to abuse, full stop.

The main theme of the advice on here is to get yourself into the best position you can before you split. This is so important. Please concentrate on this before you do anything else. If you alert him to you changing, you preparing to leave he will come down mercilessly, and it will be awful for you

With regard to his power and ability to argue. You won't win an arguememt by engaging with him in 'arguing' as people that are skilled at presenting arguments are entirely focused on beating the opposition, twisting the context and creating intellectual holes to discredit the others argument. This whole shebang is about dominance and winning. Not about engaging and collaborative problem solving.

So, don't engage with it. Don't even attempt to take part. Step back emotionally and walk away. Close down tather than allow him to dig in and start this destructive type of behaviour. Repeat the same phrase over again to avoid getting sucked in like 'I'm sorry you feel that way', or 'I'm not going to argue about this' or something like that, and don't be drawn into justifying yourself or your statement at all, just keep neutral and repeat, then move on either by getting on with something else or changing the subject 'right, what do you want for tea'

When people assert their intellectual superiority and power by destructive arguments that the other cannot ever win, they aren't to be admired. It's such a limited and revolting way to behave. In healthy, respectful and loving relationships, people don't hammer home an argument by any means possible. They don't put their own self righteous need to win in combat above their partners feelings.

It's not at all acceptable behaviour in a family environment. It's just not.

And I suspect it's one of the reasons your self esteem and confidence have been shredded by this man.

On the up side at least you've seen how he behaves in combat mode, and can probably anticipate his moves. And remember, you will be buffered against it by a shit hot lawyer (so important to prepare before leaving for this reason!). At home you've had no buffer against him so you might find it less traumatic than you expect, though I'm sure it will be horrible to go through. But you will get to the other side. And you won't if you stay.

Good luck and try and be kind to yourself

If you get a job OP you'll likely see his financial contribution to the home fall further and will leave you to manage all you're doing but with a job on top. He'll also be aware that this will put you in a weaker position in terms of a financial settlement in the event of a divorce. It's all about trapping you more completely under his control.

Now is a good time to get legal advice. Make sure you ask around to find a solicitor who knows how to handle high earning argumentative full-of-themselves arseholes.

You would be mad to stay. He will make your life even more of a misery if you do.

You're not useless or less intelligent than your dh OP, please don't think that. I'm guessing you're actually pretty good with money as you don't have a choice. What did you used to do for work? Don't get me wrong, I think you should get a job just to actually feel better about yourself and not feel so tied to what he tells you about yourself. Do you have many friends? You need people around you to bolster your self confidence and build you up again.