Low confidence, but DH has such high expectations

[DogTiredWife]

I'm a regular on here, however NCed because this post is very personal. I've been married to DH for six and a half years, we have two DC. DH has a good job earns over £150k per year( in a good year teice that). He has always made it clear he wants our DC to go to private school and now our second child is coming up to that age. We live in London. I have been a SAHM for the last five years. I literally do everything at home and am totally financially dependent on him. Before the DC I worked and earned about £32k a year. However when we met I had some debts quite large ones after being made reundant several times, helping my brother during the recession, a bad friendship with an alcoholic friend who I was too weak to say no too and I had depression, and paid for a hiludau with DH. DH works long hours, mocks me, never does anything for the children, and gives me very little money (£1000 a month) I know to some people this is loads, but we live in huge house in London, he eats like a horse and has loads of allergies and expects me to pay for car maintaince, street parking outside the house £220 per annum, food (read fancy cheese, organic stuff), presents for his family usually £50 a pop, phone and broadband, kids presents, dinner parties, clothes, petrol, any handymen or plumbers and it's an old house so stuff goes wrong often. He pays the mortgage and utilities. But I'm not on the house deeds, it's for the most part paid off. He also has a flat he owns and rents out, I manage the tenants. He is never around in the evenings because he is at work I do everything with the kids, I rarely go out in the evenings, I never feel I can count on him on Saturday's he lies in till 11 then likes to go out yo fancy restaurants for lunch. He rarely plays with the kids but when he does he is good but it's easy to be good when you only do it two hours a week. I cook from scratch everyday, do all housework get up with the kids, always put them to bed etc. He is also a heavy drinker and drinks about half to a whole bottle of wine a night. Awhile back he told me he just has a low libido and maybe it will come back but basically he's not interested, I feel hurt but tbh I've gone off him because he humiliates me. I will never be as clever or earn as much as him, but now he says I must get a proper job by September so I can pay one set of school fees, I'm happy to work but I feel division of money is quite uneven if I have to pay school fees probably around £20000 a year when you factor in uniforms, transport and school lunches. AIBU to think this is all a bit unfair. He also has lots of savings, investments and a big pension pot. He cancelled the joint accpunt because he thought I was having a negative impact on his credit rating. When I say joint account he put money in and never used it but kept track on everything I spent and ig I had toask for extra money he makes me grovel, when we opened it he said, if you need more just ask but it hasn't been like that.

Sorry about the long ramble but do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit taken aback about paying one set of school fees? I know I'll still do everything else at home too, I don't know where to start with a job he always laughs at what I say, patronizes me and I hust feel soo useless.

But why let someone treat you like that in the first place

Several reasons can apply - usually lifelong training in being submissive, by parents / school bullies / other people in some position of power.

This is why it's so vital to teach our own DCs basic self confidence and self esteem, and also not to model dominating-submissive relation dynamics to them.

OP, there is some excellent advice here. From what I hear the state school system works pretty well in London, so when you are going into the finances of the situation, you might find it is a safer bet to send the children to a state school and that would be one less thing this man can control you with.

Actually, I know I come across as pretty pathetic here but I'm actually quite a strong person. I left him about two years ago just briefly and he was in bits. I agree I need to take control a more, but I've been pretty busy. FYI his day job is working on highly contentious disputes, he is painstakingly through and has a phenomenally sharp brain. It's hard to be assertive with someone who argues for a living.

Sanity

It doesn't start out like that, it's only when you look back and see that what seemed like innocent enough remarks or situations were the beginnings of control and abuse

I'm from NE Scotland and I moved to NW England with ex, I don't drive so I'd get the train or bus to the nearest cities and there'd be comments asking why did I go, why did I not say I was going, anything could happen if he wasn't there to "protect" me

That changed gradually to him forbidding me to go and if I spent money there'd be trouble and a terrible atmosphere, we weren't rich, but we were comfortable, and I'm not talking about overspending on luxuries, more things like new underwear or small things for the house

I didn't have much in the way of self confidence to begin with, my mother had seen to that, when we went food shopping he'd take out whatever I'd put in the trolley, maybe a new cheese or something, saying we don't need this, why are you so stupid to think that, it just escalated from there and I grew so scared of him and his temper and his threats to throw me out and take the DC, that I never said anything and used to cry in private

I probably haven't explained it very well, but it is a gradual grinding down of self confidence, I still have issues with that that no amount of therapy and counselling will ever change

It's hard to be assertive with someone who argues for a living.

I know these types. But - what they cannot argue with, is how you feel, and how you perceive things.

You have the right to own your truth.

And, fundamentally, you have the right to make your own decisions and not explain jack shit to him.

I would start working on divorce pronto but without making him aware of it it that is possible.

Everything you're telling us is pointing to an abusive relationship. Do you have any friends that you are the DC can stay with?

ps You don't come across as pathetic. You come across as a normal, nice, caring person and hard-working mother, who has been taken advantage of by a selfish cunt.

*if that is possible

Stay calm, stay pleasant and become very cunning girl. You have to gather your facts and evidence. Give him no reason to suspect you mean to LTB (but you need to get away before he destroys you totally). There will always be a paper trail of some sort even if it means putting a tracker on the computers. You need SHL and advice. Quietly go and get it and get smart. Please keep posting as you'll get support. Too many of us have been there.

You will be so happy when you get rid of him.

DogTired DO NOT alert him to the fact you are thinking of leaving. You are cleverer than you think, plus you have the collective brains and experience of MNetters behind you. Act normal while you seek EXPERT legal advice, including how to find out about DH's hidden assets. There is a lot of money at stake and if you know where it is invested, half is yours on divorce, sometimes more if you are the resident parent. Think strategically for your children's future as well as your own.
He's financially abusive and the type of man who has at least one OW and is using family money to fund his secret, other life. The signs are -

• away from home most of the time
• libido gone AWOL
• treating you with contempt
• secretive and controlling with money
• sense of entitlement - entitled to 'his' money that 'he' earned, entitled to invest all his time pursuing his own interests and almost none participating in family life, nor enabling you to pursue your interests. In the same way he may feel entitled to an OW(s) You would be a mug to feel pressured to get a job purely because he said you should. If you want to get one, make sure it's for your own self-fulfillment. Go to this website for an explanation of F.O.G - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. PamBalam A key reason people find it so difficult to leave abusive relationships is because they know their partner is nasty enough inside the marriage. If they say they want a divorce they know that's when their partner will get really nasty. And statistics bear this out. Three quarters of the women murdered by their partner died around the time they were trying to leave the relationship.

You don't come across as pathetic at all, no-one marries a person expecting them to fundamentally change their behaviour and become such a bullying arsehole.

Marriage should be some kind of partnership, usually imperfect, but this is very far from that.

If you think there is any point, and there might not be, perhaps make up a sheet showing all the monthly outgoings, including plumbers, gifts you arrange, food, clothes, everything and sit down with him and discuss. It may not be something you want to do, but it would probably be a useful exercise anyway and then you'd always have figures to hand for solicitors etc. The sad thing is that everything you need and probably want is perfectly possible from that kind of salary!

What kind of father, husband or man would possibly think that behaviour is anywhere near acceptable?

I'd also set up a new email account and password so any correspondence can be kept private. Also, wipe history on computer regularly or use incognito function so searches won't be discovered.

Thanks for all the advice. I think this school fees thing is literally the final straw, it's good to know there are other people out there who understand.

He's a financially abusive wanker - and emotionally abusive and just a wanker in general.
Yes, you should leave him.
No you should not tell him that you want to leave him until you're literally ready to walk out the door.
What you DO need to do though is start to garner support from outside the home - you'll probably find that there are people just waiting for you to tell them that you've had enough, I do hope so anyway.
And what else you need to do is going to be very difficult indeed with how he has managed to keep all his papers out of the home.

I have a friend who was in quite a similar situation to you - her H hid all his money, all his assets etc., so she didn't know what/how much he had - but then she didn't even know how much the electricity bill was because he would never let her! He was another financially abusive wanker (and the rest). She still managed to get a reasonable divorce settlement out of him though and has never looked back!

Why do women allow themselves to be so worn down by these arseholes, that they later become completely unable to leave.

PamBallam It's because they don't have Arsehole stamped on their forehead.

• Most know that, to exploit a person successfully, they have to do it subtlety so that person doesn't suspect and leave. They pretend to be a loving partner, all the while subverting their victim.
• outlines the submissive/dominant cultural expectations girls and boys are raised with.
• Personality disordered individuals - psychopaths, narcissists - are cunning and devious and there are millions of them about. They induce fear in their targets.
• Abusive partners lay emotional honey traps: in the beginning they play the part of perfect partners, then little by little the exploiting of physical and material resources and of compassion creeps in, the barely perceptible mind games, the criticisms, the put downs. Often there is nothing as obvious as a broken bone or a black eye. Their target stays for a long time, sometimes years, because they have HOPE the relationship will get back to how it used to be.
• There is also the thought that one day you will have to justify leaving to any DC. It's hard to imagine saying, "I broke up the family because of a couple of put-downs" while being unable to adequately explain a huge backstory. Emotional/psychological abuse is very subtle and can be difficult to pinpoint beyond 'having a bad feeling'.

It must be chilly in your ivory tower.

You're not pathetic. He's a prick.

Leave him. It will be a hideous procedure, but you will be so so so much better off in the long-term.

It's hard to be assertive with someone who argues for a living.

No it isnt. Its hard to argue with them, but it isnt hard to say "I dont want to"

"Why not?!"
"Because i dont want to"

Dont get drawn into the fact that it is monumentally unfair, or the fact that if he is determined to privately educate then he can pay for it or the fact that your job will not involve any concessions on his part at all. Just "I dont want to".

The key is to watch out for the phrases designed to draw you to defend yourself. "So you dont care about the kids education?" "So you think I should pay for everything?" "You just want to stay at home and be kept by me!" etc.

Anything he says that makes you feel your should defend yourself should be ignored. "I dont want to".

I don't think this is your first post about him right?

If you're the same poster as I think you are, I'm sorry that things have gotten no better. For the sake of both you and your children, I really do think you should take everyone's advice and ltb. He really is a nasty piece of work and there's no reason why you should spend the rest of your life living in misery with this selfish arsehole. It won't benefit you and it won't benefit your children.

You know you are in the right. Don't get drawn into arguments with him. Anyone who asks can get told the clear and basic facts: he witholds money from you and the family, he is a bully, he has no time for his kids, you are afraid of his excessive drinking, your relationship is not a partnership- he controls you.

Good luck. I hope you find the confidence to get out of this and go on to have a happy life with your kids.

This is so bad leaving isn't even a decision. You have to leave - it's constructive dismissal by him. No reasonable person would expect anyone to stay in a marriage like this.

Before you say or do anything that will alert him go to a solicitor.

Ask for a charge to be placed upon both properties to prevent him selling them or borrowing against them.

Then begin divorce proceedings.

You always agreed to go back to work, right, and with a big house in London you probably have some high expenses. Yes his salary is large, but we are also possibly looking at a lot of outgoings. I'm going to assume disposable income may not be as high as you assume and the school fees may be problematic. There is also an issue in th fact you being a stay at home mum was never agreed and not something he is happy about which is possibly why he controls money, your views on this differ.

The relationship seems bad but the main breaker for you it seems is financial, controlling money and having to go back to work and contribute to the school fees. Even split up you would have to contribute. You understand either way you need to get a job .

So I'd get the job, then start to get your ducks in a row in terms of logistics and financials.

He's financially abusive.

Good advice about quietly preparing to leave.

In your circumstances I would not start the DC in private school because you just can't be certain your H, if/when you leave, will reliably pay the fees. He'a financially and emotionally abusive and could well use the fees to manipulate you.

Please do plan to get out, and information gather what you can. If he's an employee it'll be hard for him to hide earnings/assets.

I have a fair few friends whose H's - on high salaries wose wives sAH or work flexible hours and do EVERYTHING for DC and home - argue that they should get a well paid job. But don't wish to make any changes to their working or home lives, ie the women would WoH more and still do everything!

Those men are dicks.

What were the circumstances around you leaving the first time? Well done by the way, because he sounds awful.

I know it's easier said than done with 2 kids in tow, or at least one if the other is at school, but try and speak to CAB or a solicitor and see what advice they can give you.

While he earns an exceptional amount of money, it isn't everything. You did earn for yourself before and it would be more than the 1k per month you are getting now (plus he'd have to give you much more in maintenance).

You've done it before, you know you can do it.

Also, stop putting him on a pedestal about his intelligence, skills etc. It's not hard to argue/stand up for your needs and wishes with him because of his intelligence, but because he's abusive.

Many of us are clever and argue for a living but don't behave like he does at home!