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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that hubby is never home to help with bathtime?

57 replies

Wardie2016 · 18/01/2017 20:12

I've maybe just had a particularly rubbish day but here goes!!! Hubby works FT and I and SAHM to our three DC (7,4 and 1). He leaves for work around 8am most mornings (his hours are 9-5) whilst we are in the throws Of getting ready for the school run. 4 out of 5 nights a week he goes to an outdoor fitness class 6-7.30pm so it is 8pm when I'm just getting everyone settled to sleep when he comes in!!! He's trying hard to get his fitness levels up and does have a pretty stressful job. AIBU that I grudge him all this free time?? When I can't even remember the last time I peed in peace 😂

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 18/01/2017 20:14

Maybe he should go gym before work? Or could he do something on his lunch break?

AddToBasket · 18/01/2017 20:15

YANBU!

One night you do bath together, two nights he goes to fitness class, two nights you go to fitness class.

user1484317265 · 18/01/2017 20:16

Your title makes no sense. His fitness classes seem excessive, but why don't you talk to him about it?
And there is no excuse for not pissing alone, that's just silliness.

MammyNeedsASpaDay · 18/01/2017 20:17

You need a medal!

As much as he likes his fitness classes it would be nice for you to have some time to do something you want to do.

I used to feel like this sometimes when I was on maternity leave and my husband worked a lot of 2-11 shifts.

People who think SAHM is the easy option generally don't have three kids. I cut my maternity leave short with number 3!!! And I work for the emergency services, not a desk job.

britespark1 · 18/01/2017 20:18

I feel your pain! My DH is out by 7am and gets back around 8pm mon- Friday. We have 3 Dc, aged 6, 5 and 4. I'm finding it harder being on my own so much since we moved house over the summer as we are further from friends and family. Apparently that's the pay off though for him having a good job and earning a good wage.......

WheresTheEvidence · 18/01/2017 20:22

I work 13 hour days as a nanny. 7-8pm and neither parent is home for bathtime. Maybe you could outsource Grin

Original poster
Wardie2016 · 18/01/2017 20:24

Love the idea of outsourcing 👏🏻👏🏻

OP posts:
Caterina99 · 18/01/2017 20:26

I wouldn't be happy with my DH doing this. And I only have one toddler. He needs to help you at that critical time and then he can go to a later fitness class. Or first thing or lunch time. Not every day at 6pm anyway!

purplefizz26 · 18/01/2017 20:28

He is taking the piss and being very selfish.

Being a sahp is relentless, and I would be seriously pissed off if most nights my husband buggered off to do what he wanted after work, making my day even longer.

You should tell him you want two evenings to do what you want to do, he has two for himself and an evening together.

Caroian · 18/01/2017 20:32

YANBU. If he wasn't home because of work, or commuting, or something about which he has much less choice, that would be one thing. But he is being selfish by choosing to do a leisure activity on so many evenings of the week. Just because he is "working on his fitness" rather than getting pissed in a pub doesn't make it reasonable.

Allthewaves · 18/01/2017 20:36

Tell him to go before or he cuts down to 2/3 nights a wk and you get 2/3 nights while he does bedtime. Or he goes to a later class 9-10

timeisnotaline · 18/01/2017 20:38

Incredibly selfish yes he's working on his fitness- him him him. I'd say how upset I was he thinks this is ok, stay at home parent is so he can work not a 24 hour default parent role. Then I'd book something for me for 4 nights next week and tell him he had to be home for his kids and we could talk about the schedule again when he was prepared to consider me in his decision making. Some would call that confrontational Grin , I call it if no one else in my marriage is thinking about me or our family then I have to.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/01/2017 20:41

Well when he's at home what does he do regarding housework, with the children etc? Do you get down time to do your own stuff?

napmeistergeneral · 18/01/2017 20:42

Lovely attitude there from user1484317265

YANBU. 2 out of 5 nights maybe - if you get the other 2. He's taking the piss. Perhaps because he sees it as getting fit/improving himself he thinks it is okay. But what if it was 90 minutes down the pub four nights a week? Still okay? (obviously not). There's sacrifice involved in having kids but it should be shared. If he wants he can still do squat reps while supervising bath time and reading bedtime stories...

OneWithTheForce · 18/01/2017 20:44

So when do you get to go to your hobby? There are only 7 nights a week and he is using 4 of them, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and guess the other 3 aren't yours to do as you please.

Backt0Black · 18/01/2017 20:47

not that your DH is doing this...... But I remember getting off a train with a giy I'd been on a business trip with. Said 'do you want to go for a drink, is I go home now the wife wont be finished bathing the kids' ...... I didnt go for that drink.

I wonder if he could maybe swap out a couple of his outdoor fitness classes for a morning run? or lunchtime gym session?

yorkshapudding · 18/01/2017 20:48

If he doesn't have to be at work until 9am then he has plenty of time to go to the gym/for a run or something before work. I would suggest a compromise - he keeps two of the evening classes per week. Then if he wants to do more fitness type stuff he does it in the mornings before work.

user1484317265 · 18/01/2017 20:50

I think it IS a lovely attitude,actually. Everyone should piss in peace.

llangennith · 18/01/2017 20:51

Wow he gets an easy ride doesn't he?😳
You may as well be a single parent.

PugwallsSummer · 18/01/2017 20:53

Does he not want to see his children during the week??

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/01/2017 20:54

Talk to him - why should he get four evenings "off" every week? Where's your evening time to go to fitness class?

You should each get an equal amount of free time - two evenings a week each seems fair when you have such small children, and then you have three nights together.

He's taking the piss.

HelsBels5000 · 18/01/2017 20:56

My DH is NEVER home for dinnertime, bath time, bedtime. I also have 3 DC, 8,5 & 2. I am used to going it alone. He works very long days.
Having said that, I normally find it more peaceful and orderly if I do it by myself anyway so I'm not all that bothered. When he comes home they are all normally in bed asleep and I have our supper cooking and a large glass of wine in hand

napmeistergeneral · 18/01/2017 20:59

Calling her silly because she can't find the time to piss in peace due to lack of support? No, not lovely.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2017 21:05

Yanbu, this isn't fair. (Unless you get the other 3 evenings to swan out of the door at 6pm and come back when it's all calm and clean?).
Fairness is equal leisure time.
It's great that he wants to get fit, but he can fit 4x1.5 hours exercise in at plenty of other times:
1.once dc in bed

  1. Before work
  2. Lunch break
  3. Weekend
  4. 2x per week as current
You get two off from 6pm to do as you please, three nights together.
OneWithTheForce · 18/01/2017 21:06

As a single parent since day 1 I urge any of you who have a partner to stake your claim on an equal share of free time and do something for you during it. I am now at a point in my life where I am running my DC round to their various evening activities and I am so unbelieveably jealous of all the other parents who just go off for a run or to the gym or to Zumba or to dance class. I have no hobbies. None. Because I couldn't leave the house in the evenings when all the classes/ hobbies were on. Yeah, bath time might run more smoothly when your DH isn't there (why is that I ask??) but babies don't need you to bath them forever. One day you'll realise you have 50/60/70 more years of life and you don't know who you are or how to spend your time because you didn't insist that anyone else valued you as a person in your own right whilst you were a mother. Particularly if you are a SAHM. Seriously. You get to have a life too, and if you have a partner, bloody well let them know that!

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