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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that hubby is never home to help with bathtime?

57 replies

Wardie2016 · 18/01/2017 20:12

I've maybe just had a particularly rubbish day but here goes!!! Hubby works FT and I and SAHM to our three DC (7,4 and 1). He leaves for work around 8am most mornings (his hours are 9-5) whilst we are in the throws Of getting ready for the school run. 4 out of 5 nights a week he goes to an outdoor fitness class 6-7.30pm so it is 8pm when I'm just getting everyone settled to sleep when he comes in!!! He's trying hard to get his fitness levels up and does have a pretty stressful job. AIBU that I grudge him all this free time?? When I can't even remember the last time I peed in peace 😂

OP posts:

Heatherbell1978 · 18/01/2017 21:08

He is BU. My DH is training for a marathon and has done a training schedule we both agreed on which doesn't involve him being out every night! Every night seems a bit excessive whether he's working on his fitness or not. I'm lucky in that my DH takes DS to nursery (as I'm out very early) but I do get him dressed and ready to go before I leave. I then do nursery pick up. If I was left to do bath and bed every night I would not be happy!!!

Blacksox · 18/01/2017 21:09

It's not fair. When ours were little, my dh would be in a mad rush to get back from London in time for bathtime. And I needed him there after long days at home.

Your dh should stop being so selfish.

RacoonBandit · 18/01/2017 21:10

You may as well be a single parent.

Oh yes because the OPs situation is just like that. No support from a partner, caring for DC 7 days a week, only 1 wage coming in, never having a moment, playing mum and dad not to mention having nobody to discuss the normal parent worries you have. Yep OPs situation is just like being a single parent all because daddy isn't home to do bath time.

OP. Talk to him. Tell him you understand he needs wind down time but so do you. It needs to be equal that is only fair.

OneWithTheForce · 18/01/2017 21:14

I'm lucky in that my DH takes DS to nursery (as I'm out very early) but I do get him dressed and ready to go before I leave. I then do nursery pick up.

That's not luck. That's just fair. Is he lucky that you do the pick up? No, you're just collecting your child for your child. He isn't dropping him off for you. He is dropping his child off to nursery so he can work.

CommonFramework · 18/01/2017 21:14

Totally selfish. Doesn't he want to see his DC?

It's only fair that you have the same amount of leisure time. classes on 4 eves out of 5 is unfair and crappy. You need to come to some agreement about having 2 evenings each, or he could go out after the DC are in bed.

Original poster

Wardie2016 · 19/01/2017 09:49

And now on the one day of the week he should be home at a reasonable time and collect our eldest from drama club he announces he has a late meeting 6-7pm 😡😡

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 19/01/2017 10:04

Ok OP. This is what you do. Set up family calendar on your phone and link to his. Tell him you're doing it as this is where all scheduled stuff will go. Immediately book up two weekday evenings recurring every week with the title "wardie out" and the time is from when he would be getting home from work (when not going to his exercise group) until the time he usually gets back from his exercise group.

So if he finishes work at 5 and has a 45 minute commute then you schedule your booking for 5.45 and if he gets in from his classes at 8pm then you stay out til 8pm (at least). Set reminders to alert him during his working day and one for just before he leaves work. Then stick to it! There will be pressure from him to give in and let him be selfish and do his class but you have a right to that time. He already has 2 evenings to spend as he likes. You get them too.

OneWithTheForce · 19/01/2017 10:05

And btw if he doesn't schedule in his classes then you assume he will be home and make plans for that. Live by the calendar. If it's not in it it doesn't happen.

JellyWitch · 19/01/2017 10:08

It's just bathtime. I don't understand what the big deal is about it. Invariably whichever of us is home baths the kids before the other walks in from work and often gets both to sleep.

More of an issue is the regular fitness session and whether you get comparable time for yourself.

JellyWitch · 19/01/2017 10:08

Late meetings happen - not sure what you can do about that!

Trifleorbust · 19/01/2017 10:11

No. He has to work, fair enough. Your job during that time is home and kids. Opting out of the evening 4 nights a week isn't on.

Babyhiccups · 19/01/2017 10:15

Late meetings don't happen if you tell people you can't do them!

I'm amazed that partners (not just men) can behave in this way and not realise that they're checking out of family life and essentially killing the SAH partner. I could never do this, it's just so bloody unfair.

I'm guessing when he does get in, he doesn't pull his weight making tea or tidying or checking you're ok?

I've read so many threads like this which are mostly just an outlet for the OP to have a whinge - are you just venting or are you actually going to do something to change this situation? Because the verdict is overwhelmingly in the favour of you needing to!

Babyhiccups · 19/01/2017 10:17

And how convenient that he can skip his fitness class for a work meeting, but not to get home and see his children...

PotatoWaffleCob · 19/01/2017 10:22

Hell no YANBU! DH is home by 6pm to help with bath and bed. He goes to the gym 3 times a week late in the evening after DC are sleeping. The only time of the day that I really need him is 6pm-7pm. You need to tell DH that he is needed at home.

Msqueen33 · 19/01/2017 10:25

You're dh sounds like mine but we have two kids with Sen and I'm a sahm and it's exhausting. I've asked if he can be home from work for bedtime one night a week but it hasn't happened yet he can make it out to his hobby. I feel bad as I rely on my other DC who has no issues to sit and read quietly whilst i deal with the other two.

PotatoWaffleCob · 19/01/2017 10:25

He sees you as the default parent wardie. Don't be the default parents. His working hours are 9-5pm plus travel so say 8am-6pm. Those are your working hours as a SAHP. Split everything else. He doesn't get to show up when he feels like it on the assumption that you'll do everything.

Allthebestnamesareused · 19/01/2017 10:27

6-7pm would not be a late meeting at my husband's work. Late meetings happen if the client wants the meeting at a certain time.

At first I thought it was just going to be the OP moaning about work commitments meaning he was late all the time. Work commitments I would say unfortunately do take priority. They are a fact of life and not everyone has a straight 9-5 job these days. It tickles me to think people believe that in certain professions people can just walk out when they want and still think they can progress in their career.

However the excessive fitness appointments when he could chose to be home are something that could and should be knocked on the head. Maybe ask him to limit them to 2 evenings a week and to times at the weekend that work for the OP. He could do some other form of fitness after the kids are in bed on those nights if he is going to spontaneously get fatter/unfit without!

I would also hope that he gives OP some "me" time too even if it is to lock the bathroom door and have a soak or go for a coffee with a friend.

OneWithTheForce · 19/01/2017 10:29

OP you should get a job working 6pm- whatever. That would fucking teach him. Have dinner with DC then walk out of the house at 6 and everything after that point is up to him to sort. Bath, stories, bed, bottles, uniforms, lunches etc.

OneWithTheForce · 19/01/2017 10:31

I suspect his meeting wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't already spending the other 4 evenings a week out of the home.

madparent1 · 19/01/2017 12:19

Do not destroy your relationship based upon the men basher comments that frequently appear on her.

I suspect your DH is only being very inconsiderate as a result of a lack of communication. Why not have a discussion with him on how you are feeling. I am pretty sure that nobody who loves their partner would knowingly go out of their way to make them unhappy or put upon them to the point of frustration or anger.

Every family home takes considerable management. Communication and co-operation is vital. Just speak with him and all will be well.

OneWithTheForce · 19/01/2017 12:23

Do not destroy your relationship based upon the men basher comments that frequently appear on her.

Who advised her to destroy her relationship?

MrsJayy · 19/01/2017 12:27

He has a great life swanning about as he pleases it doesn't matter if you are a sahm or not his priorities are selfish imo he needs to be at home some nights

Msqueen33 · 19/01/2017 12:39

I don't understand why it's needs communicating to men. Do they want to be at work 24/7 like a sahp? Probably not so why doesn't it register that family life comes first.

I feel for single parents I think it must be really hard work.

Servicesupportforall · 19/01/2017 12:45

He's taking the piss op.

MrsJayy · 19/01/2017 12:48

I have to agree with that how does a father not know he needs to muck in putting your hobbies before young children is selfish and detrimental to family life.

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