To think there is something seriously wrong with me?

[IAmALoser]

I found out today that I've failed my probationary period at work and won't be kept on. I was told it was because although I was good at the job and worked hard I didn't fit in to the team and struggled with the social side of things. Not those exact words obviously but that was the gist of it.

I have been crying and upset all afternoon because I feel like such a fuck up as this is not the first time this has happened to me. I'm only 27 years old but this marks the 4th probation period I've failed in 7 years (I didn't even get my first job until I was 20!) and it is always the same every time - "you work hard but you don't really fit in here."

But I don't understand it! I feel like there's something wrong with me and that there's something wrong with my brain and it doesn't work properly because I have no idea what you have to do in order to fit in with people or make friends.

I've never had any friends ever. I still live at home and have never left home before because I struggle to hold a job down and always struggle to get a full time one. I have never had a relationship. People call me weird because I'm so socially inept and say and do weird things and obsess about people and things. I also get distracted a lot and need to fidget and move around a lot - so clapping my hands, fidgeting with my hair.

I am such a fuck up but I have no clue how to fit in or be normal. I feel like I will never change or get anywhere in life and that people still see me as an annoying immature kid

Was just going to say you can tell/show your GP exactly what you've written here. It explains it really well.

And you AREN'T a loser. You really aren't. It is possible that you might be on the Autistic Spectrum (my first thought when I read your post.) I agree that reading up on ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) on a site such as:
www.autism.org.uk/ might give you a clue as to whether you could be autistic. The way women with autism cope is often different to men so it would probably be very helpful to look up autistic traits in women too.

It sounds as if you haven't been working in jobs that suit you and your strengths. Are there any jobs you can imagine yourself enjoying? Anything that isn't customer facing perhaps? Retail, catering etc sound extra stressful if you find responding to the public difficult.

Please tell your GP if you can.

And please don't beat yourself up and call yourself a loser. We all have things we are good at and things we really struggle with. I have discalculia (can't make any sense of numbers, directions, maps. I have really poor spacial awareness, have to make a mental note whether I need to turn left or right when I leave a shop/house etc. I absolutely wouldn't apply for work as a taxi driver, a care assistant that had to travel between workplaces or a bank clerk. I might get into the job if I was lucky but I'd be totally setting myself up to fail the probationary period. Im retired now but worked out after a series of unsuccessful probationary periods, the jobs that I could do well at.

It really sounds like you might have autism

Read up on how autism presents in women, it is quite different to how it presents in men

There is a mumsnet thread here for people who think they might have autism or other Neuro diversities

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn/2821919-New-New-Neurodiversity-support-thread-for-women-with-suspected-diagnosed-or-self-diagnosed-autism-ADHD-and-other-NDs?msgid=66214954#66214954

If you were diagnosed, you would be protected by disability law at work, so they would have to make reasonable adjustments.

Try reading information from "The Girl with Curly Hair" and see if you relate. Getting a diagnosis should help. You can start talking to other adults with ASD if you think it fits (you don't need a diagnosis for that, a NAS local group might have one in your area).
Also talk to your local college about suitable courses.
Do your parents know anyone who could help you find work experience in an office?

OP - as a manager, I could not imagine failing someone's probabation becuase they didn't fit in. That sounds rough, and I would bet that it wasn't in an organisation that had decent employer policies, and equal opportunities.

Have you thought about whether you are in the right area of work for your skills/personality type? Can you look at retraining, or changing the sort of employer that you are looking to work with?

Hang in there. As others have said, fitting in and 'normal' is overrated.

Try an office job. What I did to get admin work was I wrote to a few local legal and accountancy firms, saying I wanted admin experience, that I was hard working and had an A in maths A Level which for some reason I felt I had to highlight.

One (accountancy, no legals wrote back, the bastards). gave me a part time role doing some very boring but strangely satisfying filing. Then once I had experience i could apply for a full time admin role elsewhere.

Once you've got one good reference admin work is fairly easy to come by

As you are living with your folks, and therefore a wage may not be desperately needed, I'm going to suggest you try and get back into education if you can?

I don't know if you already have a degree/trained for anything specific but their are so many routes in for mature students and so much funding on offer. You could carve out a career in something you are interested in, something that lets you work on your own as the social side of things is where you are struggling. Get some career counselling to find the right match for you are get out of this low skilled worker trap as invariably they involve serving people one way or another and you are not suited to it.

I suspect you are an introvert, whereas those roles are very extrovert, dealing with the public etc. I also recommend taking some time and getting qualifications that might suit you better.

OP, you will find a place you fit in, socially and professionally. You sound lovely and if you are a hard worker that is very important. What role are you in? I changed roles two or three times before I found one that fit.

The problem here is ignorance in the workplace, not you I'm sure of it. For them to say you 'don't fit in' is a disgrace - unless you are not doing your job I don't do believe the social side should even come into it - surely that's discrimination?
Also just wanted to say that my local co-op employs a guy with Tourette's syndrome, he ticks/claps his hands and makes noises quite loudly and they also employ a lady who is covered with tattoos has a skinhead and what look like self-harm marks all up her arm. My local sainsburys also employs people with mild learning difficulties there are at least 4 of them. They are all perfectly nice and efficient and I've never seen anyone affronted by them. So there are some more open-minded employers out there.
I really hope you get the help you need as reading this made me feel so sad for you.

The problem here is ignorance in the workplace, not you I'm sure of it

You don't know the OP, you can't be sure of anything. You're not actually helping her by pretending that ALL 7 of her jobs just had mean bosses.

OP AIBU is really not the place for sensible advice. Please try elsewhere for a better response.

In what way don't you fit in?

Work is not about fitting in to the social side of things. If you complete your duties to an acceptable standard then you should pass your probationary period.

I would be asking for more detail and talk to HR. I don't think this is acceptable.

OP you need to ignore some of these responses I'm afraid. There is no point pretending that it's "not you"- it's a number of jobs, it's not passing probation, I'm afraid it is something you're doing, and not likely to be related to being introvert either.

But the good news is you can more than likely turn it round!

Not sure what a GP or ASD diagnosis would do if I'm honest, but don't know a huge amount about it.

In terms of social interaction in a cafe you'd be expected to greet customers, maybe have a laugh or a chat with them. Basic please and thank you manners. Co worker wise, to show an interest in their weekend/ family etc. Say good morning. Ask if anyone wants a drink when you get one. Ask for help
If you need it. Know who does what.

Have you had any specific feedback about what you are NOT doing?

Just gone back and read some more details.

Obviously there is no "HR" in this circumstance. People who do have diagnosed personality disorders can still do any job they want. Employees need to take a hard look at themselves and ask if they are providing the right level of support for staff.

I would recommend going to your GP and explaining your concerns. They should be able to help you.

I think you're right that being a nurse might not suit you, as it would be pressurised and involve a lot of meeting people, both colleagues and patients.

Are there any jobs you like the sound of, where being "sociable" under someone else's rules isn't part of it? Maybe in a field more introverted, one-to-one, technical or not so much having to be seen to be outgoing? You'd also meet others to whom this kind of environment appealed.

Oh dearest OP, I am sorry you find yourself where you are now. I haven't RTFT (don't have the time, unfortunately), but wanted to comment.

My DP is one of those slightly socially awkward people (we suspect he is on the low end/high functioning end of the autism spectrum). From what you have said you sound like you are similar.

You are not a failure. You are not a loser. Please change your username! You are worth so much more that what you give yourself credit for.

With regards to jobs: It could suit you to work in a more corporate environment or for larger companies. Have a look at websites such as glass door, which gives you insider feedback on what a company is like.

However, be upfront in interviews. Say that you are not the most social of people, but that you are a diligent and hard worker. A good employer will accept that you are not a social butterfly like some others.

You just haven't found the right fit yet. You will.

Just be kind to yourself in the meantime.

Saying you feel like you are just imitating other people, obssess, don't fit in and not understanding why turing up, doing job and going home is not all that's required are all things I have felt in the past.

I was diagnosed with ASD at 24 after loosing 6 jobs in 2 years. I started temping in banks (IT and number orientated using my eye for detail) and after a successful year as a temp have just been offered a permanent role in a famous investment bank on double the money I could have ever dreamed of earning in a hotel/cafe/shop with lovely colleagues.

I definitely felt you when I couldn't hold down jobs I saw as simple such as waitressing but as soon as I started to read up on ASD and learn more about how my brain works I was able to chose roles I was much better suited too. Looking back 2 years, I couldn't ever have imagined I'd be here!

I know how horrible it feels, but sit tight, start to learn about ASD and ask your GP for an assessment. It has taken me a year to get a formal diagnosis which I can use at work so that I can access the support services (larger company are often better at this) for my disability, but just understanding myself more began to help long before this point.

https://www.glassdoor.co.uk/

People who do have diagnosed personality disorders can still do any job they want

Please stop talking shite. You mean SOME people with diagnosed disorders, and few of us can do any job we want, if any.

I'm sorry, what a horrible feeling for you :( I too urge you to look at ASD and the way it presents in women and girls and I'd strongly suggest the GP for a referral to a professional who specialises in the diagnosis of women.

Also ASD is not a personality disorder but a developmental one and you are not a loser!

I'm am also a fidget! And my arms and hands twitch when I'm unsure. It's a recognised part of ASD.

I agree with what everyone else has said about ASD. I think you definitely need to be assessed so you can start to understand what makes you the way you are and how you can manage that to help you find your niche in life. There is definitely a niche out there for you and I do think you will find a role that suits you - it probably won't be working in café, but there will definitely be other things you can do.

You are not a fuck-up. Judging from your post, you are a bright, articulate, determined and hardworking person. You seem really lovely - maybe a bit different from most people, but that's not a bad thing. Absolutely none of this is your fault.

Like others I suspect you may be on the spectrum and I also agree you don't necessarily need to change yourself, just find a more inclusive working environment in a role that suits you better. Office work, admin, IT etc. I work in an analytical role and have had at least one colleague who was ASD - I line managed him and he wanted me to know so I could help him. However it wasn't really necessary for me to know - I could easily see his strengths (attention to detail and tenacity) and things he was uncomfortable with (interactions with multiple colleagues at once, unexpected requests). And I did the same as I did with any team member and made sure we played to his strengths to get the most out of him and make sure he enjoyed his job.

I hope you can find something where your hard work and skills are appreciated

This is really sad and horrible to read

I am so very sorry you feel this way, there is nothing wrong with you, what is normal anyway?? Everyone is different.

I think you have just been unlucky in the jobs you have had, some places are like that, some are full of bitchy people, people can be horrible if you don't fit into their boring click

I was a supervisor for over 20 years and i have met many a new starter, that was struggling to fit in, some shy and felt like they didn't fit, just like yourself, i stepped in and reassured them that everything would be ok, i helped them meet other people, invited them for nights out etc, and eventually they had the confidence to do it without me

I think the problem here is the management and staff, NOT YOU

Don't give up, you just haven't found the right place to work with nice people

For what it's worth OP, the way you express yourself on here, to me, is absolutely and completely normal!

It can just be bad luck, or the fact that you have not yet found the sort of job that suits you.

Start by thinking what you'd really really want to do, and then how you'd go about getting there. If there were no barriers to anything, what would you choose to do?