To think there is something seriously wrong with me?

[IAmALoser]

I found out today that I've failed my probationary period at work and won't be kept on. I was told it was because although I was good at the job and worked hard I didn't fit in to the team and struggled with the social side of things. Not those exact words obviously but that was the gist of it.

I have been crying and upset all afternoon because I feel like such a fuck up as this is not the first time this has happened to me. I'm only 27 years old but this marks the 4th probation period I've failed in 7 years (I didn't even get my first job until I was 20!) and it is always the same every time - "you work hard but you don't really fit in here."

But I don't understand it! I feel like there's something wrong with me and that there's something wrong with my brain and it doesn't work properly because I have no idea what you have to do in order to fit in with people or make friends.

I've never had any friends ever. I still live at home and have never left home before because I struggle to hold a job down and always struggle to get a full time one. I have never had a relationship. People call me weird because I'm so socially inept and say and do weird things and obsess about people and things. I also get distracted a lot and need to fidget and move around a lot - so clapping my hands, fidgeting with my hair.

I am such a fuck up but I have no clue how to fit in or be normal. I feel like I will never change or get anywhere in life and that people still see me as an annoying immature kid

I feel you. I had a similar problem. I got fired from a popular chicken restaurant for not fitting in. I've suffered from social anxiety for years and, like you, I was bullied at school. It did gradually get better for me though, kept applying for jobs and eventually found one where they didn't mind my weirdness. I'm in my 30s so it took a while. I can relate to how you feel, and I hope things get better for you. I joined a group doing an activity I was interested in and met some friends that way, could be an option, although I know it's hard when you don't feel great about yourself.

I don't really have a line of work as such. I've only ever worked in catering, retail and reception work. This job which I've found out I won't be kept on was in a cafe.

I'm really sorry to hear this. Not fitting in socially doesn't sound like a good reason not to keep you on at all.

People keep putting pressure on me to become a nurse but even the thought of being a nurse makes me panic. All the physical contact with people, the irregular shift panics...it just all makes me so anxious.

Honestly, that's not a good enough reason to fail your probation period. As long as you communicate with colleagues effectively in terms of things like relaying information, you're fine. Has your line manager ever flagged up any concerns about this before? It was it totally out of the blue?

I'd strongly recommend speaking to the ACAS. I think they have an online chat tool if you don't feel up to speaking to someone over the phone. To me it sounds like you have a case for unfair dismissal. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong.

You've also had really good advice on here about seeing your GP, etc. I'd follow up on that and make sure you get all the support you need. Have you got family/friends around?

And I know it's not what you want to think about right now. But this is an opportunity to have a think, and do something you really want to do.

Oh honestly I really felt so sad reading your post. I have always found it hard fitting in and find I have to push myself and act it all out.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, one day everything will just click into place.

In the meantime please go and see your gp, you shouldn't be feeling this negative about yourself and falling deeper into that train of thought is dangerous and unhealthy

I found catering especially difficult in terms of fitting in, there seemed to be pressure to be sociable in a way there isn't for office work. I find office work easier, people seem happy if you do your work well and go home.

It wasn't out of the blue. I had been spoken to about it before.

Can you go back to college and retrain?

I would like to do office work but I have no clue where to start looking for that. Especially as I have no experience.

What is ASD?

ASD is autism spectrum disorder, OP.

ASD stands for autism spectrum disorder, Loser.

I have ASD and going from your posts it defintley sounds like you might be on the spectrum.

You talk about being socially awkward, not fitting in or having friends, having obsessions and you've implied that you like routine...those are all traits of ASD.

It might be worth looking into.

Could you write down more or less what you've written here and take it to your GP, OP?

As in, a list with bullet points and ask him/her to read it.

That would take the pressure off you in terms of having to verbally describe the issues, and you may be able to think more clearly if you've written it all down beforehand. Also maybe have a think about how you'd like the GP to handle the issue (ie, referral).

Do you have a good relationship with your GP? Are they sympathetic.

I went to an agency, googled some and just went in (v nerve wracking). they gave me a very basic computer test (type this out, save it etc). I thought I'd never get office work because I didn't have experience but agency took me on regardless. Much better than catering. Interestingly, people have also pushed me towards nursing but it's not for me.

Just show your GP this post as a starting point if you're not sure what to say. I think you are likely to be diagnosed with some sort of ASD or tic disorder if the fidgeting/clapping is repetitive and uncontrollable. A diagnosis would help as (a) you could access help and treatment to improve your self-control and confidence, (b) any employer on the Two Ticks scheme would be obliged to give you an interview for any role for which you met the compulsory criteria and (c) you could explain to your new colleagues, if you wanted to, that you really want to connect with them and work well but because you have x you may sometimes behave in a way they think is odd, and that if it is something you could do something about they should let you know and give you constructive feedback so you can try and modify your behaviour.

Also getting a better idea of what the cause of your social issues is may help you to direct yourself to more suitable career paths. I think you should not be down on yourself because you have not made it through probation in 7 jobs, but be proud that with your difficulties you have aced 7 interviews and been given the jobs in the first place - you can obviously make a good impression when it counts, perhaps the formal and reasonably predictable nature of an interview plays to your strengths better than the more ad hoc, unspoken world of office culture? This could mean a more formal role with clear rules, and more independent working, might suit you better. Perhaps your need to be physical could mean a job outside, or more mobile, might suit you better than a desk job?

Please don't hate yourself or think you are a loser or a robot. You are clearly sensitive and want to reach out to others; if you are not neurotypical, the unspoken social rules everyone else just seems to 'know' can seem like a foreign language. But with the right help, and in the right environment, you can learn to speak it well enough to get by and have fulfilling relationships, without 'faking it' or denying your own uniqueness (which is NOT a bad thing!!!).

You'll be ok m'dear, please try to get yourself help! Xx

You're trying to fit in by changing yourself. You don't need to change yourself. You need to find the place where you do fit in, your "tribe". I used to work in a large IT company. You would have fitted in there. There was a glorious range of wonderful people, not generic people. I think your idea to look for an office job is a good one. I think a hard worker like yourself has a lot to offer a company. Maybe try registering with an agency for temporary work in offices? You could try out places until you find the right one for you.

thats shitty......how very dare they? Do you want to fit in with them?

I don't even feel like a human. I feel like a robot who is just pretending to be and trying to mimic other people but I'm always ten steps out of sync

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. The above stood out to me. I felt like that when I was younger and sometimes a little part of me still does. I know this won't help now but I found it improved with age.

I am not good around people and have a small group of friends. I feel like the odd one out in many situations but nobody would ever guess that. I just am not a social person, apart from with DH , DC and my sister , I'm happier alone.

Maybe see a counselor through your gp if you feel it's a long term problem. I hope you find a job you like and that suits you.

this is making me cross...is " not fitting in" a reason for failing probationary period? What does that mean exactly?

I know people think they are helping by saying thats no reason to fail a probation, or that normal is boring, but they aren't. This isn't one job, its every one, and its not just work, is it? Its massively impacting your life and making you very unhappy. So this suggests a real and serious problem.

OP, you do need to see your GP as a starting point, and tell them everything. What the jobs have said to you, how you feel, all of it. There may well be a lot that you can do to change things. You aren't a loser, you sound different, but who knows what can happen with the right help?

Best of luck.

I would echo CaptainsMum. Working with IT people could work for you, as many of them don't expect the same level of social interaction that a cafe does. There are admin roles where you don't need technical skills too, and they would welcome a hard worker like you. Especially someone who just gets on with the job and doesn't chat all the time.

But do see your GP first. They can refer you to someone who can help you learn coping mechanisms for social situations.

Good Luck! You aren't a loser - you just haven't found your place yet.

It sounds like you might be on the spectrum to me too and it's worth finding out - if your workplace are aware of this then you should get more support and understanding - or you can explain to the best of your ability.
Please don't lose heart - go to your GP and talk through ASD and see what they have to say. It sounds like you aren't weird at all - you perhaps to need to
Understand why you see the world the way you do xxxxx good luck!!!!!

Agree with others, please visit your GP and discuss your concerns with them. Write down everything you can think of, so you don't forget to mention something that might be relevant. They may be able to refer you for support/counselling, particularly if it is seriously affecting your employability and you are still distressed by the bullying that has happened in the past. Other pp's have suggested that there may be a possibility of ASD - if that does turn out to be the case, then no employer would be able to discriminate against you in this way because of it.

Iam - i hear you. I'm going to echo others above and suggest you look at ASD online. You're not weird. You're like me and I'm not weird, I'm ASD. I struggled with work at your age (WAY before ASD in females was even thought of never mind diagnosed) and had most success in temping, where i could just keep my head down, use my eye for detail, focus and get paid by the hour. Nobody wanted to be friends with the temp or expected to so all was good. However this is no help to you. How was school for you? I'm out of touch with the working world now at my ripe old age so have no useful advice for you, apart from to start with your GP. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have lots to offer but haven't found quite where yet. You'll find your tribe and a way of fitting the world and you'll do that by understanding yourself.