Gender weirdness. This is so U

[monkeymamma]

So I am foolishly thinking about DC3. Someone stop me please. One thing that I feel is holding me back from trying for a hat trick (there are so many good reasons) is gender weirdness. Not how I feel, but how other people feel and their weirdness, I guess.

I have DS1 and 2, they are the best kids I can imagine. I love having boys, to the point that I think I might want to shoot the first (or 100th) person who did the 'oh poor you, three boys!' if I had another boy. I seriously know people who talk about women with 3 boys in hushed, horrified solemn tones, as if this is literally the most tragic thing to ever befall someone. Also as if the women themselves have been irresponsible, fecund and thoughtless in bringing a family of 3 brothers into being. I'm not exaggerating this one little bit. It's ridiculous.

On the same note I am not sure I would be able to handle having a DD for exactly the same reason. I could not bear to expose my two adorable DS to the crapola people would spout about 'oooh you must be so relieved!' 'A girl, thank goodness!' as if the kids I already have are not the biggest blessing there is. As if any kids regardless of gender are not basically the best gift in the world.

I'm sure there will be plenty of replies of 'don't let them bother you/why do you care what other people think/have the family you want', but frankly, they would piss me off. They did when DS2 was born ('oh poor you' - erm, no, lucky me, you dickhead).

I guess my AIBU is, in the context of there being a number of pros and cons to having a 3rd DC, AIBU to let other peoples gender weirdness count as a reason not to do it? Surely IABU. Just tell me how much.

If this is putting you off I don't think you really want another baby

Some people are just weird, generally. And some people just love to whinge and will always find an angle to allow for that. Whatever arrangement of children you have, someone will come along with their bias and say 'oh dear'. 'Oh you have a boy and a girl, isn't it a shame they don't have a same sex sibling to play with?' 'Oh, one child, don't you worry they'll be lonely?' Oh, four girls then a boy. Aren't you worried the girls will feel inferior?'

There will always be something!!

I can remember quite clearly a day out on the East Lancs Railway with my 3 week old DS and his 16 month old brother, and meeting another couple with children of a similar age. The bloke asked 'boy or girl?' nodding at the baby strapped to my chest, and when I said 'boy' he said 'aw, shame, not lucky like we were, we got a girl this time.' My younger son is an adult now and I've never forgotten that comment. I was actually gobsmacked that anyone could think a healthy baby was in some way a disappointment.

Just tell them to fuck off and when they ask 'what you're hoping for' tell them a tiny human rather than a goat.

I wouldn't have cared a hoot to having three daughters. I had two daughters and then a son. He is a gorgeous addition to a gorgeous family. Single mother of two daughters and a boy.

My ex MIL said in a derogatory way to my mum after the birth of our second daughter, 'Another girl.' As if it was in some way a sentence.

Mostly it's just people making small talk and not thinking about the fact that you've probably heard it a hundred times already. Nothing worth getting upset about.

Good grief, people can be fatuous in the extreme.

Love your post, ThirdThoughts - as a childless person (not through choice) I found it quite poignant.

Thank you GrandDesespoir we took a long time to conceive both our first child and this pregnancy, I think that experiences like that can make you look at things differently.

When people ask me what I'm hoping for, I can say very genuinely "a baby". Not to make them feel small for having asked but because it is true, that's what I'm hoping for. And I know how lucky I'll be to have another so the details aren't important.

I really wanted ds5 to be a boy because I knew that if our last baby was a girl after 4 boys people would say that we'd been trying for a girl and that ds's 2, 3 and 4 were somehow inadequate.

I proudly said to dh that I'd have been considered to be some kind of hero for producing 5 boys. He pointed out that with all 5 having SN and 2 miscarriages I would have been accused of witchcraft and burned to death after ds2.

I get where you're coming from.

I had a girl first then a boy. I always said I wanted three. When I fell pregnant with number three (although it was unexpected) MILs words "but you have one of each why would you want any more"

Errr because I said I wanted three. She even said this to my mum!

Yeah I got to have at least one of each but regardless of gender I'd have done that!!

People are stupid.

I really get where you're coming from OP because I have similar worries. Posters who think you are basing your entire decision about whether to have a 3rd dc on this one worry are missing the point. I think most people when they decide whether to have a(nother) dc go through all the pros and cons in their mind, and once you've got the big ones out of the way (can we afford it? Could we give a child a happy, loving upbringing?) you're left with the little niggling doubts. Having a baby is the biggest commitment you'll ever make so I think it's pretty standard to worry about making the wrong decision.

I always used to be of the mindset that 'people are just making mindless baby chat, don't let it get to you', right up until I announced I was pregnant with ds2. I really wasn't prepared for the huge number of negative comments I got about my baby's sex. I started to dread people asking me if I knew the sex because I knew there would be a comment coming. What makes me particularly angry is that my ds2 will be growing up surrounded by this attitude and I don't want him to ever wonder if we were disappointed that he was a boy.

My MiL is desperate for a granddaughter and she spent my entire pregnancy with ds2 in denial that he was a boy. She really wants us to have a 3rd because she's convinced the next one would be a girl but I don't think I could stand the obvious disappointment (from her) if we had another boy!

I have three boys. I do get comments; and they can be very annoying. But I'm honestly not that bothered and they didn't put me off having a third! When I was pregnant with DS3, everyone was asking me "Oooh, are you hoping for a girl this time?" And were when I replied that no, actually I was hoping for another boy.
On the up side, you have an instant connection to other mums of three/all boys - I have 'met' many other mums out and about where you just share a look and a smile when you see the other's brood! It's like a secret club

And sometimes you can get caught out: we went to church for Christmas when DS3 was still very young, and an old lady there asked me what my baby was. I told her a boy, so she asked: "Oh, so you have three boys?" Me (through gritted teeth, awaiting the inevitable girl comment): "Yes..." to which she replied, "Well, isn't that lovely!" - absolutely made my day!

Don't do it then. Problem solved

I totally get this - yanbu. I had DS and dd and when I had dd2 so many people asked if I was thrilled it was a girl - I was (probably ridiculously) irritated and wanted to scream "No I'm thrilled I have a healthy baby". I felt it was somehow suggesting my DS was less worthy than my DD.

Soubriquet, many hugs and . That must be so difficult.

Bear, it's experiences like yours, and those of a number of my friends who have suffered terrible losses, miscarriages, infertility, secondary infertility, and the pain of nursing their children through incurable illnesses, that give me pure rage when it comes to people assuming gender preference and all these stupid comments. Every baby is so amazing. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Closet .

Keith what the vicar said - that's exactly the kind of thing I mean. It's actually hard to always call people out because they don't say it in a 'rude' way iyswim.

My best mum friend has a boy the same age as my eldest and a girl a bit younger than my DS2. She is constantly telling people 'oh thank god', 'i couldn't have handled another boy', in a way that makes me pissed off for her son (and for both of mine).

The thing about DS2 being cheap because of hand-me-downs... actually that really gets my goat. I make a point of buying DS2 nice and new things occasionally, because he deserves nice new stuff just as much as a girl would have. (I don't mean everything, but I wouldn't have got new everything if I'd had a girl either! I mean nice bits and bobs not everyday vests etc.)

Marmite, I am pretty mental!

Trinpy THANK YOU!! I feel like you've completely hit the nail on the head in your post :-)

SansaClegane (cool name) I'll join your secret club!

I have two friends who each have 3 boys and think it is an amazing family. My own dd has two boys and if she had another child another boy would be wonderful. Go for it.

It's sex not gender
But have another anyway

People comment no matter what gender your first two are! I have a boy and a girl, now pregnant again after a fairly big age gap. Before I was pregnant people used to tell me I didn't need to have any more kids as I had one of each!! Wtf?!

When we had ds2 I had a section, when I was wheeled into recovery the midwife said 'oh is he your first' and we said beaming happily that we already had a big brother for him. She pulled a 'sadface' and said oh never mind, you'll have to try for a girl next. It was such a weird downer of a comment at what was for us an exceptionally happy time.

My dad shouted at me once when I questioned the comments 'EVERYONE KNOWS THE IDEAL IS ONE OF EACH. EVERYONE WANTS A BOY AND A GIRL AND THATS A FACT' which was both unnerving and hilarious.

I wouldn't let it put me off. But those sort of comments are incredibly annoying.

Oh dear MrsKoala. Same comment from your midwife that was said about my daughters to me by an elderly chap at the garden centre. I laughed it off with him but would have been a bit more put out if it was said by a midwife just after I'd given birth!

I have 3 boys (exactly what I would have chosen if I'd been able to, although healthy babies was my prime concern) and nobody has ever said anything like you describe to me? In fact people often say what nice boys they are. I consider myself lucky to have three boys. I wouldn't have been good with a girl, especially if she'd been very girly/princessy as I am very much not like that. Whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable actually.

I think you're over analyzing.