Gender weirdness. This is so U

[monkeymamma]

So I am foolishly thinking about DC3. Someone stop me please. One thing that I feel is holding me back from trying for a hat trick (there are so many good reasons) is gender weirdness. Not how I feel, but how other people feel and their weirdness, I guess.

I have DS1 and 2, they are the best kids I can imagine. I love having boys, to the point that I think I might want to shoot the first (or 100th) person who did the 'oh poor you, three boys!' if I had another boy. I seriously know people who talk about women with 3 boys in hushed, horrified solemn tones, as if this is literally the most tragic thing to ever befall someone. Also as if the women themselves have been irresponsible, fecund and thoughtless in bringing a family of 3 brothers into being. I'm not exaggerating this one little bit. It's ridiculous.

On the same note I am not sure I would be able to handle having a DD for exactly the same reason. I could not bear to expose my two adorable DS to the crapola people would spout about 'oooh you must be so relieved!' 'A girl, thank goodness!' as if the kids I already have are not the biggest blessing there is. As if any kids regardless of gender are not basically the best gift in the world.

I'm sure there will be plenty of replies of 'don't let them bother you/why do you care what other people think/have the family you want', but frankly, they would piss me off. They did when DS2 was born ('oh poor you' - erm, no, lucky me, you dickhead).

I guess my AIBU is, in the context of there being a number of pros and cons to having a 3rd DC, AIBU to let other peoples gender weirdness count as a reason not to do it? Surely IABU. Just tell me how much.

I did that mint. When people said 'i bet you are hoping for a girl' i used to say 'actually i quite fancy a kitten'.

We found out what we were having at the 20 week scan with dd (we didn't with the boys) as i wanted to stop all the 'oooooh fingers crossed it's a girl' comment before he arrived. I asked to know fully expecting to be told it was a boy, so i could then tell everyone to stfu and not to dare do a sad face when he was here as i may be violent. Then they told me it was a girl and i made them check 3 times.

I don't think it matters what the gender is someone will always have an inane comment to make. I had a boy and a girl and the odd person wondered why we'd want another as we already had one of each!

If you and your other half want another child and feel it's the right thing for you, go ahead. When we did get comments my response was to say it was right for us and we're happy with our decision. Only an arse would push the conversation further and I can easily ignore that type of person!

I can understand where you ate coming from - "only" second boy hete and lots of "you must be disapointed" (No!"), "Poor you" (no, poor you, you ***), "what a shame" (no!) and "at least he will be cheap with all the hand me downs" (true, but not "at least", and would be the same for a girl as i don't like pink and dresses on small children)
Don't let these people make decisions for you!

I did that mint. When people said 'i bet you are hoping for a girl' i used to say 'actually i quite fancy a kitten'.
When I was expecting Number 3, people were always asking Number Two if he wanted a brother or a sister. He always said "I want a calf or it's going back". Once or twice I used that reply myself. Obviously people thought I was batty, but so what?
Now I have four sons and get loads of pitying looks. I don't care about that either. My sons are well behaved, loving and generally fabulous. Two of them also sew, so I got to pass on my skills too. I do sometimes think that my late MIL would find it puzzling since she was generally envied for having 5 sons (always someone to take in the peat/do the ploughing/milk the cows).
I find that other people can be weird no matter what the situation. Let them.

There will always be comments from idiots

One child = won't he/she be lonely or when are you having number 2
Three children or more = what a handful/don't know how you manage/no TV etc
Small age gap = was that planned
Two girls = is your DH disappointed/will you try for a boy
Two boys = poor you/will you try for a girl
One of each = how lucky, so you're done now obviously

etc.

If we lived in fear of comments from idiots other people, we'd never have any children as there is no outcome that avoids them.

So if you want 3 and don't care what gender, just go for it

The way I see it, situations like this can act as a bit of a filter. You can decide who to associate with for the next 18 years based on their inane sexist comments or lack there of. You'll know who not to invite to your boys birthdays because they are disappointed by their genitals.

I'm pregnant with DC2 we won't find out the sex until the baby is born, just like we did with DC1. Hopefully folk won't be too rude about whether their genitals match or not when they have a cute baby to distract them.

I think there is some sort of social norm to obsess about the sex of newborns because there isn't a lot else to say about them. But it is really weird, you don't have to come from a large family to have experience of the idea that children are individuals and don't just come in two flavours. Personality wise I'm nothing like my two sisters, but quite a lot like one of my brothers, neither brother was into football/sports and I'm not into shopping for clothes/bags/shoes or putting on make up. I'm not surprised about this, because I don't think personalities and interests are assigned by genitals.

"at least he will be cheap with all the hand me downs" (true, but not "at least", and would be the same for a girl as i don't like pink and dresses on small children)

My MIL is mortified that if DC2 is a girl I still intend to dress her in some of DS's hand-me-downs, and even more bizarrely, pass on his toys... Because girls obviously can't play with blocks, or cars, or musical instruments, or, er, dolls and kitchens (DS has both). She still insists I need to 'make sure' it's a girl though.

Anyway, crack on OP and have a 3rd. Play gender comment bingo in your head to reduce the rage .

minipie indeed, there are also a whole host of stereotypes available for the childless (through choice or otherwise). There is no way to avoid it at all.

I felt sorry for the mother and baby daughter of the young man who was watching my young son in Greggs a cafe and saying how much he wanted to have a boy. I tried to brush it off with "He's great but so are girls!" :grin: But really I wanted to tell him he was being a jerk to say that in front of his partner and daughter. I felt really uncomfortable.

I have 5 boys and people just assume that I only have 5 children to try to have a girl ,, drives me mad ! ! It's as if they think every time I give birth I'm thinking oh damn it still haven't completed the set !! I hate the negative vibe every time I tell people it's another boy , my brother is the only person to ever be positive as he knows the "disappointment" on my behalf that people feel the need the share really boils my blood ! I could have easily fallen out with a few family members for this very reason when boy number 5 was born but instead just distanced myself from them !

I have three boys, best thing ever and to be honest I've never had pity from anyone.

True Third!

So basically we're going to get stupid comments whatever we do so you might as well do what pleases you

IAmAGnu

I have one of each and would quite like a third. All I get from people is "oh lucky you, one of each, you are all done now!"

What if I am not done? What if I want another? Nobody told me I was just collecting a set!

Yes to this. I have my DC3 now but I was aparrently all done at 2 as I had one of each. And when I was pregnant with DC3, it "didn't matter" what it was as I already had one of each. It wouldn't have mattered anyway!

Deciding not to find out the sex of my first baby gave me a good 8 months to unpack any odd feelings I might unintentionally have had about the potential differences between a 'son' and a 'daughter'. How my child might experience the world and be perceived by it depending on something I did not know yet. I got very interested in feminism during that pregnancy.

I realised there are loads of things we don't know about unborn children, from their physical appearance to their personalities, their interests, what will challenge them and the relationships they will form with us and others. So many things to discover at birth and beyond, some things I may never know. It's a whole world of things we don't know.

Not finding out the sex gave me a window into that idea, that my child would be someone I would get to know, rather than someone who would fulfill a particular role (the daughter, the son, the smart one, the joker, the artistic one, the quiet one, the good one, the rebel, etc).

I'm glad didn't find out, though I do appreciate that finding out the sex doesn't mean people always put their kids in gender boxes. It was interesting to sit for a while with the idea of having a child without that child being a girl or a boy and what that meant (or didn't mean).

I'm not gonna lie, your OP makes you sound a bit mental.

I know where you're coming from.

Someone close to me only ever wanted boys (a girl would have been fine of course, but she loved the idea of having boys). She now has 3.

When she was pregnant with her third and found out he was a boy so many people said 'Oh. [sad face]. Were you trying for a girl?'

She had a crash Caesarean section and when she was recovering in hospital, deeply in love with her newborn DS3 and so relieved that all had gone well and they'd both survived, one of the staff said to her, 'Are you going to try again for a girl?'.

I have the so-called 'perfect pair' (insert vomit emoticon) and more than one person said to me, 'Now you can stop'. I mean WTF?

You have to let it wash over you - my relative with the 3 boys does. But I do see exactly what you mean.

Oh by the way the DM is a piece of crap.

Im thinking about number 3 too I have two girls, my mil asked my mum when my youngest was born Do you think they are disappointed its another girl? She looked at her like she was crazy I was happy I had a beautiful healthy baby and we were both ok so was she. While I would like a boy I wouldent mind having another girl, but I do remember thinking that had we had a boy and girl people wouldent think a third was just trying for a boy which Im sure they prob will, and its not I always wanted 3 children.

I have girl, boy, girl
A friend of mine had 6 boys... and a girl this year. I bet she had gazillions of gender comments!

I've been asked if I'm going to try for a girl.
Er no. I wanted two children, they're happy and healthy and happen to be boys. Besides my eldest is shaping up to be so very like me it's almost scary!
I would have quite liked a girl. It's not worth thinking about because you don't get a choice. My 2nd child isn't worth less because he is the same sex as the elder.
If you want three children. have another. If someone makes a batty comment either eye roll or call them out on it.

I have 2 sons and am currently pregnant with my 3rd DC. We haven't found out what it is since I honestly don't mind but we have had to put up with the usual you'll be hoping for a girl. It happens several times a day really and I have my answer ready now. I don't really let it get to me even if it is wearing since it was my choice to have another and I just think about the lovely baby of whichever gender I'll get! Helps me ignore it all.

Tell them that it doesn't matter whether it's a girl or a boy as you have decided that you are going to raise him/her as a boy regardless and then apply for gender reassignment surgery before puberty.
I don't think they'll bother you again.

Lovelilies I know someone who had 6 boys, 1 girl and then another boy - hopefully, that proved to the doubters that actually they were very happy with their large family, and that the boys hadn't all been unfortunate side effects of wanting a pink babygrow!

I have 3 girls, DD1 is 7, DD2 is 6 and DD3 is 17 months. I will always remember when I found out DD3 was a girl at my 20week scan and I told my grandma. She looked at me and said "Oh well nevermind another girl can be lovely too". You could practically see the steam coming out of my mum's ears (its her MIL). I found it hilarious.

When our second son was being baptised, the vicar, in his address to the gathered family and friends in the congregation, mentioned another local family who'd recently had a girl after two boys - he actually turned to us and said "Never mind, third time lucky maybe".

I bloody love having boys. And I also have the tendency to totally overthink everything so I'm glad to see you are getting good advice.

Why do you even care what they think if you have enough love for another baby just gp for it. My best friend has 3 boys and they are epic.