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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DP not to attend other events on out birthdays?

86 replies

oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 09:14

Hi all,

My DP and I have been living together for over a year and I have a DS, who my DP fully supports eventhough he's not his, of which I know is very commendabe.

My issue is that my DP was invited to a Stag do (of one of his friends cousins that he hasn't seen in years) this would happen to fall on my DS's birthday weekend (my DS stays with his father every other weekend....so weekends are limited for us). I said I felt quite hurt that he'd even considered going, as we had spoken about holding a little birthday celebration that weekend with close family and friends (but not set anything in stone). We both work full time and my DS goes to nursery 4 days a week. So by the time we get home etc it's too late to have a gathering.

We are also doing some serious saving to buy the house we rent and I don't think spending £400/500 on a stag weekend for a distant friend is money well spent......especially when we are considering whether or not to go on holiday ourselves..

We came to blows (on text, which I know isn't convienient) as he then asked if he could attend a sporting event on my birthday (which also happens to be Mothering Sunday).

All of these event dates came up within the same 24 hours and i'm just perplexed that my DP would rather spend time with his friends/sports people on the days which i think are quite important.

AIBU to kick up a stink? I also did drop a clanger and asked him (in true hot headed text style) if my DS was his...would he have stil considered going on the stag do? I know I shouldn't have because it would probably feel like a stab in the dark as I've never questionned his love for my DS, but I'm totally perplexed that birthdays/mothers day doesn't resignate as important family time to my DP.

Sorry for the long post, but wanted you all to have the full picture. Thanks for any advice. X

OP posts:

notangelinajolie · 18/01/2017 21:04

Tell him you are going to let him go on this occasion but any future special dates are to be reserved for you.

Doughnutsandrainbows · 18/01/2017 22:02

Italiangreyhound you may well be right.
I guess I was seeing it from a point of view of he's close enough to be invited and the description is OPs words rather than his words e.g. "it's Dave's stag do" "who's Dave?" "you know Rays cousin"
But totally hypothising!

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2017 22:26

Hope things have gone well Oliversmummy.

user1484317265 · 19/01/2017 22:32

your definition of controlling and also of life partner are not ones I can easily recognise. The OP has said they are living together, he views her son as his own child and they are saving to buy a home together. That to me is a life partner

She also says that he goes on numerous stag weekends, guy holidays, is out every night of the week, pleases himself, and she feels as if her and her son come after his social life and drinking. She says that he tells her that he is saving for a house but that he isn't really.
If that is your idea of a life partner, I fear you need higher standards.

Italiangreyhound · 20/01/2017 01:43

user1484317265 you've got a point that the dp's behaviour is not great considering his dp thinks they are in a committed relationship, but that is between the OP and her DP.

Your use of the word 'standards' here is very strange.You do realise you are implying it is my husband, my standard. Was that your intention?

Anyway, I think the OP and her DP have different views of what their relationship is and I hope they work it out together.

Original poster

oliversmummy21 · 20/01/2017 18:05

Hi all,

Thanks for all of your comments and suggestions especially Italiangreyhound.

We have had some really good conversations these last few days and got a lot of things into perspective. My DP has decided not to do the stag do, because we have made plans for our little man's birthday and the guy is more of an aquantance and feels he maybe have been invited to make up the numbers.

I have got my DS on mothers day (as he was supposed to be with his father) so my DP is going to play sport on the Saturday then we are going to have a family meal out on the Sunday. Subsequently we habe now got some more sports events in the diary....where if we don't have my DS then I will go watch and cheer the team on....If not I will spend the day with my DS.

We have also said that a family holiday is much needed aswell as a long weekend toegther as a relatively new couple......so plans are on place. We need to just strike the balance right with saving and spending. We'll get there im sure....

But all is happy xxx

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 20/01/2017 18:17

Brilliant. Good news.

NameChange30 · 20/01/2017 18:31

That's brilliant, I'm glad you talked things through and seem to be on the same page now

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/01/2017 23:33

Excellent outcome - really pleased you managed to sort it out through chatting about it.

PrincessNakedAsAJayBird · 23/01/2017 06:14

Glad things are sorted but I know I'm not controlling, in the last year he has been on 2 ski holidays, abroad stag do and numerous guy weekends and nights out. other than the nights out, if you've only been together 18 months would most of these not have been booked prior to you moving in/getting serious/even dating?

MissVictoria · 23/01/2017 06:31

You're not just unreasonable, you were plain nasty. "If he was your son" was an incredibly rude and hurtful thing to say to him. If he'd turned around and said "Well he's not my son so why do i need to be there for his birthday" how would YOU have felt? You totally rubbed his nose in it that he's not the biological father, coming across as he's not as good a dad because his sperm didn't make your son. The stag do should be ruled out due to the costs, and the fact he's not very close to the stag, but had it been a very close friend/financially viable i honestly would have said let him go and have an early or belated birthday celebration together and do something one on one with your son on the actual day. The sporting event on your birthday, is it something he could go to any year, or is it say, a special event like a final his team has made it to, something that isn't guaranteed to ever happen again, or something like wimbledon where it's super hard to get tickets and he might not get another chance? If it's a regular run of the mill event he could do another time, it would be nice of him to stay home, but again it's not like you couldn't do something nice a different night (especially as it's a sunday) and it being mothers day is irrelevant (unless you're expecting him to make some huge fuss of you and sign cards etc as if it's from your son, which is ott and precious).

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