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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP not to attend other events on out birthdays?

86 replies

oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 09:14

Hi all,

My DP and I have been living together for over a year and I have a DS, who my DP fully supports eventhough he's not his, of which I know is very commendabe.

My issue is that my DP was invited to a Stag do (of one of his friends cousins that he hasn't seen in years) this would happen to fall on my DS's birthday weekend (my DS stays with his father every other weekend....so weekends are limited for us). I said I felt quite hurt that he'd even considered going, as we had spoken about holding a little birthday celebration that weekend with close family and friends (but not set anything in stone). We both work full time and my DS goes to nursery 4 days a week. So by the time we get home etc it's too late to have a gathering.

We are also doing some serious saving to buy the house we rent and I don't think spending £400/500 on a stag weekend for a distant friend is money well spent......especially when we are considering whether or not to go on holiday ourselves..

We came to blows (on text, which I know isn't convienient) as he then asked if he could attend a sporting event on my birthday (which also happens to be Mothering Sunday).

All of these event dates came up within the same 24 hours and i'm just perplexed that my DP would rather spend time with his friends/sports people on the days which i think are quite important.

AIBU to kick up a stink? I also did drop a clanger and asked him (in true hot headed text style) if my DS was his...would he have stil considered going on the stag do? I know I shouldn't have because it would probably feel like a stab in the dark as I've never questionned his love for my DS, but I'm totally perplexed that birthdays/mothers day doesn't resignate as important family time to my DP.

Sorry for the long post, but wanted you all to have the full picture. Thanks for any advice. X

OP posts:
stoopido · 18/01/2017 10:35

Wouldn't be bothered. I would arrange to do something before or after with him and perhaps do something with friends on my birthday but in all honesty I am not fussed about the whole birthday thing. Mother's day hmm again wouldn't really bother me, I think it is just a commercial day!

Original poster
oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 10:36

ThumbWitchesAbroad

He does usually remember dates etc...

I know I think about celebrating them more as I do arrange to cook dinners etc for family (including his family). He does like a good drink, so we will without doubt have some sort of house party/bbq for his birthday. I just feel we (me and my son) go without thought when other things crop up and we don't have anything set in stone for our birthdays despite them being 3/5 months away!

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Notso · 18/01/2017 10:36

Surely you would want to spend Mother's Day and your birthday with your son if they are important to you.

The cost would piss me off if you are supposed to be saving but the dates are just coincidences surely.

Original poster
oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 10:43

Thanks everyone for your views.

I feel like my DP and I have some real differences in family values.

I have apologised for the comment I made to him about his decision making surrounding my son not being his own. That was awful of me, I think I expect too much from him.

I think I will back off.....and see what comes of it. I don't want to feel like a nagging gf about family values and quality time. But at the same point he needs to either realise this himself or move on. Because ultimately my DS is my priority.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 18/01/2017 10:44

How long have you been together and how does he treat your DC when its not the weekend?

I think you might have had sight of the moral high-ground but totally lost it with the comment about him being his son would things be different. What is a birthday weekend? Do you mean that its the weekend you have him and its is birthday or do you mean that its a weekend of celebration? Does your DP know this is how you do things. Have there been birthday weekends before? Has he done mothering Sunday with you and your DC before and done the co-ordinated visits across two families thing as well? Why does an adult need an entire day to celebrate a birthday? How do you cope when it falls during the week - do you take the day off and ask that your DP does as well?

Your DP may be living in the last stages of being a single man but the changes you seem to be asking for do take a number of iterations to get used to. No-one can go from single to 100% successful blended family in one step. You do have to have the conversation with him about what he has to give up to be with you and your DC to make sure he understands the changes required. Communication is the key otherways you do become the annoying nagging one and he stays the slightly detached and financially not-quite-there-yet one.

C8H10N4O2 · 18/01/2017 10:45

Families practices around these events vary hugely - we mark the parent days but don't make a huge deal of it. Birthdays - yes we always made a thing of the kids', less so of ours but I've reached the point where I'd quite like to miss a few anyway :D

If your DP is like this its a mismatch in expectations and you need to talk about it.

A bigger issue for me would be cost of individual trips v family holiday when saving for a house. Is that a reasonable expense in context of your finances or or is attending a stag do for him important and an obligation in the same way that birthdays are for you?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/01/2017 10:48

I think you just need to talk to him - not by text - about how he sees birthdays and what expectations he has.

My DP sees birthdays as important, always books the day off work (as do her siblings on their birthdays - her sister has booked two weeks of holiday around hers!).

I don't. It's a normal working day for me, and I am a bit embarrassed by a lot of fuss.

We try to compromise, but I have to admit I was on a work trip over her birthday last year and will be again this year! Blush She gets it, though, and I did make it clear it was her decision whether I went or not.

I would be a bit more worried about the money he's spending, myself.

Original poster
oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 10:56

Thanks scottishdiem....

I know I let myself down with that comment.

We have been together about 18 months but living together for a year (both divorced).

So we class birthday "Weekend" as the weekends either before or after our birthdays, so we usually plan to go our for dinner/have family friends around to celebrate. Only on one day or night not the weekend as an entirety. Both min and my DP families have integrated really well, we had both families at ours for christmas dinner.

Yeah last year we all celebrated my birthday and mothers day by the 3 of us going for lunch the weeked (because during the week he has sporting events 2 nights a week and also is a teacher so has parents evening/after school clubs etc) so by the time we have eaten and I've put my DS to bed it's usually gone 8/9pm however if my DP is out he is not home before 9pm one night and 11:30 another night. So during the week evenings are a write off to make plans.

I think you're right though, in terms of having some mimidful conversations, I hate text conversations/arguments.

OP posts:
laureywilliams · 18/01/2017 10:57

I totally agree with theelephant

I know people live happily with very different values and expectations. But can you? It doesn't sound like he particularly wants to be with you. He certainly doesn't sound interested in saving for a house.

MagicChicken · 18/01/2017 11:00

Your son has a regular relationship with his father. I think it's neither here nor there whether your partner is around for your son's birthday gathering. You can go ahead without him. I don't see what the big deal is about that.

I agree though that £500 is a lot to spend on something non-essential that only one of you gets the benefit from when you are trying to save for a house and given that the Stag is not even a close friend.

I would be disappointed that he wanted to go to the sports event on my birthday and Mother's Day.

laureywilliams · 18/01/2017 11:03

My DP has daughters. I'm fully supportive of what that involves. I don't expect to be commended for this. Its just the way it is.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over the comment. Its a valid question (maybe text wasn't the best way). What was his response? You had plans together (even if they hadn't been finalised).

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2017 11:04

I think there are some big issues here.

It's ridiculous that he has to ask if he can go to a sporting event, I wouldn't like that. Seems very controlling.

The bigger issue here though is choice. He gets to choose his destiny & ultimately it's his life. I cak see why neither of the occasions are important to him however, he's lacking in empathy, to have not have realised that they are important to you.

I don't think you kicking off will help, the change needs to come from within him.

BigBadWolves · 18/01/2017 11:18

You do sound a bit controlling. If you celebrate the weekend before or after a birthday can't you do the birthdays the weekend the other side of his events or have a nice family meal on the actual date?

If your issue is he's spending money instead of saving that's something to discuss with him, but if you're just annoyed he's going to a stag do that's U. He's entitled to make plans and he didn't chose a stag/sporting event over family plans since you didn't have any.

It's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of the life you plan to have together is it? You're old enough not to be precious about birthdays too imo.

Think about what the real issue is. Money? His commitment? You're making drama out of nothing I think

RubyWinterstorm · 18/01/2017 11:23

tabu, you need to 'set things in stone" if you want them to be in the diary.

If you're bing vague and nothing is really planned or in the diary, it's fair enough for the partner to plan something else.

I also think that after only living together for a year, claiming all his money as your "joint" money is a bit soon maybe? He is supporting you and your DS, but now can't spend money on himself without your agreement?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 18/01/2017 11:52

YABU if your first couple of posts are correct he asked, not told you. So there should be room for an adult conversation and mutual compromise.

I also think just 6 months together before moving in probably wasn't enough time for you to experience each other's priorities and general way of living. So perhaps it's time to sit down and discuss.

Original poster
oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 12:03

RubyWinterstorm

Our "joint" money is a combination of both our salaries plus other income which is of nearly very equal amounts, so yes when it comes to saving for a house we do it jointly

OP posts:
user1484317265 · 18/01/2017 12:11

I think you have much bigger issues than your birthday, tbh. No way should you be thinking of buying a house together.

Italiangreyhound · 18/01/2017 12:24

oliversmummy I always liked to celebrate my birthday on my birthday, for the whole time DH and I have been together I've tried to do that. Last year he asked if he could join a sporting event on my birthday and go out the night before with me.

I said yes, and had a lovely meal out but on my actual birthday I felt really pissed off he was not here. I had not anticipated that at all. The kids had made me a cake etc so we had to wait until he got back after 6.00 pm to have it. The whole day was shit as my mum was very, very ill, and I would rather he had been with us, not just me, but us (2 kids) on my birthday.

My dh doesn't really like birthdays that much and has stopped going out for a meal for his, preferring for me to cook something at home (which I loath) but as it is his birthday he gets to decide.

You can only say how you feel, he can do as he chooses but actually potentially missing your son's birthday is a much bigger deal to me! Would he actually miss the day of the birthday?

Italiangreyhound · 18/01/2017 12:25

Mistletoetastic I have just spotted you cooked your own birthday roast, I hope that is because you like cooking. Thanks

cathf · 18/01/2017 12:26

Yet another thread about angst over adult birthdays.
I don't get it at all - it seems very childish to me to expect a special day when you are an adult.
Maybe my family and my dh's are just odd.

KathArtic · 18/01/2017 12:28

I would make firm plans for both your birthdays (particularly your DS's) and say this is what you are doing. Say you would love him to be there and celebrate with you but it is his choice - then see what he does.

Original poster
oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 12:28

Hi Italiangreyhound, yes he would miss it because my DS is at his Father's on that day. 😕

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Original poster
oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 12:32

cathf the post is more about my DS birthday.

I use my adult birthday as a bloody good reason to get my closest family together so we can all spend time as a family, because everyone leads such busy lives we don't get these opportunities very often, especially as we alternate the care of my DS every other weekend.

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BigBadWolves · 18/01/2017 12:33

cathf I'm with you. Totally miss the point of the drama over nothing. I could care less if we celebrate or not, but some "grown ups" have hang ups it seems Blush

Original poster
oliversmummy21 · 18/01/2017 12:34

KathArtic......I think this is how I will lead my life with my son from now on. If my partner is there then great.....If not I'm sure i'll be around much longer.

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