To expect DP not to attend other events on out birthdays?

[oliversmummy21]

Hi all,

My DP and I have been living together for over a year and I have a DS, who my DP fully supports eventhough he's not his, of which I know is very commendabe.

My issue is that my DP was invited to a Stag do (of one of his friends cousins that he hasn't seen in years) this would happen to fall on my DS's birthday weekend (my DS stays with his father every other weekend....so weekends are limited for us). I said I felt quite hurt that he'd even considered going, as we had spoken about holding a little birthday celebration that weekend with close family and friends (but not set anything in stone). We both work full time and my DS goes to nursery 4 days a week. So by the time we get home etc it's too late to have a gathering.

We are also doing some serious saving to buy the house we rent and I don't think spending £400/500 on a stag weekend for a distant friend is money well spent......especially when we are considering whether or not to go on holiday ourselves..

We came to blows (on text, which I know isn't convienient) as he then asked if he could attend a sporting event on my birthday (which also happens to be Mothering Sunday).

All of these event dates came up within the same 24 hours and i'm just perplexed that my DP would rather spend time with his friends/sports people on the days which i think are quite important.

AIBU to kick up a stink? I also did drop a clanger and asked him (in true hot headed text style) if my DS was his...would he have stil considered going on the stag do? I know I shouldn't have because it would probably feel like a stab in the dark as I've never questionned his love for my DS, but I'm totally perplexed that birthdays/mothers day doesn't resignate as important family time to my DP.

Sorry for the long post, but wanted you all to have the full picture. Thanks for any advice. X

You've both moved extremely fast into this relationship 18months isn't that long. You should be enjoying your time but instead your wanting to save up for holiday/house surely you can just take it as it comes stop rushing things it comes across as full on.

I do think your controlling about the birthdays him having to consult you over attending every event. Why is OK for your DS not be with you for birthday/Mother's Day but your dp has to be present? Surely you want you child with you on Mother's Day?

oliversmummy I've read all the comments now and YANBU and you do not sound controlling. I agree with TheElephantofSurprise

Will he be around for your son's actual birthday? If so, can you celebrate then?

If he does go, I do hope one of your friends has a cousin who can go on an expensive hen do and invite you).

It does sound to me IMHO like he is not taking saving seriously.

You totally have the moral high ground because you are not just thinking about yourself. Even your birthday event would include him and your son, his activities are all about him.

Weigh up what contributions he makes to the house/family/home/relationship compared to yours.

I think the scales may be a bit wonky...

Thanks Italiangreyhound

We don't have my DS on his actual birthday as it falls on his father's weekend, so we won't get to see him at all, making it more important that we do something with him on our weekend.

That made me smile.....thing is I have already rejected a girlie weekend away due to costs (whilst my DP is skiing (with school trip) and I don't have my DS that weekend....so would be a perfect opportunity) but I'd rather spend the money on a family holiday.

I know I'm not controlling, in the last year he has been on 2 ski holidays, abroad stag do and numerous guy weekends and nights out.

This year we both agreed to save for the house, which is our dream home, so will be short lived saving for a lifetime gain. I will/would forgo family holidays for our perfect home. But being a perfect home means being happy and im not sure these disagreements are going to make either of us happy or whether it's worth all of the angst at all, at this moment in time.

That's up to you if you don't want to holiday with your friends but I think it's clear you both want different things out of the relationship. You want to save up for your dream house and by the sounds of it your dp is still enjoying socialising with his friends. I noticed your both divorced maybe your dp is enjoying some freedom that he was a custom to when he was single but I do think it's gave and take it would be different if you have further DC but if your DS is at your ex's surely he doesn't need permission. Before DC we would socialise and do things together and separately even when I had DS from a previous relationship.

Skiing with the school is through work I wouldn't class it as a social trip when he's over seeing students

I would let him go on the stag as long as he did a celebration with DS too
'Let' him?
I'm surprised nobody else has picked up on that.

I'm another who really doesn't mind if something coincides with my birthday. If my DH really wanted to go to an old friend's stag do then I wouldn't mind. It might be the only chance he gets to see that group of friends for a long time, whereas he sees me every day. He'd probably plan a dinner out or at home on another day to make up for it.
I get a bunch of flowers on Mothers Day but apart from that everything carries on as normal. I think it's what a few pps have pointed out, some people are bothered and some just aren't. I think it's really difficult for us 'not bothereds' to actually comprehend the level of importance placed on birthdays, and therefore are unable to judge how much or little we're supposed to do to recognise them. I think 18 months is early days for him to work out what he's expected to do. I think it's early days to be saving hard for a house as well - I'd let the relationship get firmly established before putting the pressures of saving on it.
But that's just me.

overthegardengate I think that's solid advice

Another in agreement with overthegardengate

What's the rush?

Another agreeing with overthegardengate

It simply wouldn't bother me and I'd just arrange a dinner /tea/insert appropriate celebration on another day.

In your DS case you haven't even got him on his birthday he is at his Dad's so will he really mind what day you celebrate. Why does it have to be that weekend and not the one before his birthday or after his birthday (whichever is the weekend your OH is available?)

Not sure how I feel about the mothering Sunday/your birthday one. As I'm not sure how important the sporting event is. Is it likely to happen again? Is it a regular thing that he could so another time?

However, the stag do case I'm sorry OP YABU, its not like his friends stag do is doing to be a yearly event. I think on this one-off occasion you shouldn't be mad at him for wanting to go.
One of my oldest friends got married on my DS birthday, if it had been a birthday night out of course I would decline but a wedding is a once is a lifetime (hopefully) thing, your child will have a birthday every year, his friend won't have a stag do again.

So you earn about the same and are saving for a house.

How much do you each put in the pot a month? Is it the same amount?

Ah I think you are B U. My partner and I are quite relaxed with each other when it comes to stuff like that. For example I'm going to Ireland for my birthday with the girls this year and he is home with our DD. He's at a stag the week after. You sound a bit controlling and unrelated (sorry if hat sounds harsh) but he sounds like a single man and that he's not as into the 'saving for house' and 'family stuff' as you. Sorry.

This year we both agreed to save for the house, which is our dream home, so will be short lived saving for a lifetime gain

You may have agreed it but it doesn't sound like he actually meant it.

"its not like his friends stag do is doing to be a yearly event."

It's not his friend, it's his friend's cousin!

I really cannot see how wanting your chosen life partner there for your birthday or your child's birthday celebration is 'controlling'.

OP in your shoes I think I would probably end up saying do what you want to do. But it would sadden me that he would rather be doing these things. I'd pick a different day/weekend to celebrate ds's birthday (as someone else said weekend before or after), he's only four so getting two birthday celebrations should be excellent, and do something really nice for him.

I guess one thing I would try and work out for next year is what is really important to each of you. If birthdays are not his big thing then that means his birthday doesn't get celebrated in a big way but birthdays are significant for you, then he should do something special for your birthday, whether that is on the day or before or after but by agreement. For people like me the actual day is quite significant! We can't help who we are.

I do understand relationships are built on compromise but just make sure you do a little mental audit in a month/two months/6 months or a year's time (whenever, not all the time) to see if you are doing all the compromising.

It sounds like you are a lot more mature, having a child may have done that or you may be older.

Plus to those saying about asking permission, they have a child so when you have any kids you need to make sure someone can look after that child. It sounds like both these weekends are times when their child will be at home so him just going off is not possible. He needs to check this is OK, this is not controlling it is cutesy.

If a man I was dating for just eighteen months deemed what I could and couldn't do, what I spent my salary on etc I'd be seeing huge red flags and would be out of there.

Six months before living together was nothing, especially when there is a child involved. Why the rush to tie him to a house etc straight after coming from a divorce.

OP I would be upset too but its hard because he should want to spend your bday with you - he should want to spend it with your son, its clear from this so far different things matter to diff people - some are bothered by your bday some are not etc.

I also find it really harsh re mothers day, he is with a mother - not his mother but a mother you are a mother and I don't see whats so wrong you wanting to spend the day with your son and him, your new partner? Whats so wrong with that? Let alone it also being your bday.

I just couldn't bugger off somewhere leaving Dh alone on Fathers day with our young DC. I couldnt do it - I think its horrid. Its a day of celebration and YOU want to celebrate it - it doesnt matter what the origins are you take it as you want.

Agree with Italian.

YABU to discuss all this with him by text message!

YANBU about anything else.

"He has been abroad on a stag do, numerous sporting weekends/every week, skiing holiday, numerous nights/days out etc"

This is not the behaviour of someone who wants to prioritise spending time and money with you. As PPs have said, he's acting like a single man. He is choosing those activities over holidays and saving to buy a house with you. I suspect you're a lot more committed than he is.

It's weird that he's asking your permission to do these things, it's as if he knows it will upset you for him not to be around but he wants to do it anyway and wants the "go ahead" so he can do it guilt free without any reproach from you ("but you said it was fine!") It's not "controlling" to be disappointed that he wants to do all these things instead of spending quality time with you.

What's that saying? Don't make someone a priority if you're just an option to them (or something like that!)

(Btw, DH and don't ask each other for "permission" to do things, but we do run things past each other and check that the other person doesn't mind, because we're a team. Of course we hardly ever do mind because neither of us takes the piss by regularly going out or going away without the other person!)

I really cannot see how wanting your chosen life partner there for your birthday or your child's birthday celebration is 'controlling'

Chosen life partner or short term boyfriend who acts like a single man?

You;re confused. WANTING them there is not controlling. TELLING them what they are allowed to do is controlling. Big and obvious difference.

He's not a "short term boyfriend" - they've been in a relationship for 18 months and living together for a year - although he's certainly acting like one!

Ahh this is such a tricky situation, I don't think it's unreasonable to be a bit miffed, but equally I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have different priorities - and that doesn't mean he cares any less about you and your ds.
Whilst 18mths isn't a new relationship it's certainly not well established - me and my DH still have different priorities around certain things at 6 years together, and it doesn't mean we care any less- at 18 months that certainly would have been even more polarity on some areas!
I think with your DS birthday and the stag do - whilst you don't see it as a close friend he may not see it that way - he's obviously close enough to be invited to the stag and presumably the wedding; not being in touch for a while doesn't have baring on this unless he's said it's not a close friend. With regards to the spending of the money - he may see it as ok- if his proportion of the bills and efforts into the savings are covered then I don't think that's an issue if it's his disposable income - I'd be inclined to treat myself to something and put a little less aside. If he's not contributed to savings for house, perhaps this raises questions about how much youre saving/rush to buy/jitters etc. I think if there are other opportunities to celebrate DS birthday with him at another point given its it's not on the day and you didn't have a firm plan it wouldn't be unreasonable- Although I'd have a different opinion if it were his actual bday he were missing.

With regards to yours and mothers day I think it would depend on what the event was... If it's something that can be done at any other time I think it's out of order; if it's a 1 off/special event I wouldn't be as worried but would be expecting a bit of an effort to make up for it. And I'd treat myself to a spa day on the Sat!

I think what it does highlight is that you both need to have a chat about what your priorities and expectations are at this point in time It doesn't mean either of you are wrong, you just need to get yourselves onto the same page so that neither of you end up feelifeeling resentful towards the other.

user1484317265 your definition of controlling and also of life partner are not ones I can easily recognise. The OP has said they are living together, he views her son as his own child and they are saving to buy a home together. That to me is a life partner.

Not letting your wife or husband out the door, not letting them mix with friends, not letting them have their own option, controlling their finances, controlling them sexually or emotionally or financially - any or all of these - are controlling.

Being put out or upset and expressing that upset that they would rather go to a sporting event - than share your birthday or a friend's random relative's expensive stag do - instead of your son's birthday celebration, that is normal, IMHO.

BUT none of our definitions matter it is work the OP and DP work out that is significant.

Doughnutsandrainbows I have a sneaky suspicion that he is not friends with the cousin or he would describe the person as his friend!

Maybe not many people can afford £400 or £500 to go for a stag event!

It's true there may be other friends there he wants to see, I can see it.

And of the two things this one (the stag event) does make more sense to me to make a priority because it is so rare - sporing events being quite frequent!

Plus because it does not happen on the child's actual birthday....

But I'm not the OPs DH's social secretary so will butt out!