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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mad about marker ban

79 replies

ScienceOven · 17/01/2017 17:37

This evening my DSs and I were colouring with markers. I took DS1 to the bathroom for one minute, during which the DS2 (2.5 y.o.) decided to draw on the tile floor.

It came off the tiles ok, but not the grout. As I was scrubbing away, DH comes home and has a go at me for letting the kids use the markers. Now, he has said in the past that the kids should not be allowed markers at all, until they know not cause trouble with them (how will they learn that without ever using them? ). According to him, that would be around the age of 4 or 5.

We rent, but the furniture is ours, so any damage done with markers would be limited to the tile floor and walls. Anyway, he said that I have to get the marker off the grout right away or find a way to pay for it (I am a SAHM, so that comment made me feel just lovely). So him and the kids had dinner that I had made while I ended up scrubbing at the damn grout

It all came off, kids are in bed and I am eating reheated dinner and mad as hell at him for being such an ass to me. Now, I know he expects me to say sorry for "not listening to him and giving kids markers" but I feel that he should be the one apologising for having a go at me and insisting I clean right away, instead of after dinner. AIBU?
Also, marker ban - who is right?

OP posts:

PostTruthEra · 17/01/2017 18:39

Pimms

MrsRyanGosling15 · 17/01/2017 18:41

You got on your knees and scrubbed a floor because a man told you to? Really? I can't understand that at all.

Blueskyrain · 17/01/2017 19:58

You got on your knees and scrubbed a floor because a man told you to? Really? I can't understand that at all.

She got on her knees and scrubbed because it was her screw up. She let the toddler have a pen unsupervised, and its therefore her fault that he drew in the grout lines.

If a toddler had been home alone with dad and had done something similar, I bet half of MN would be up in arms saying that it was his screw up, he should sort it out.

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2017 20:06

Op you are stil posting about the pens and have ignored all the concerns people have expressed regarding how your DH speaks to you.

Pumpkintopf · 17/01/2017 20:32

How dare he speak to you like that. Of course the dcs need to learn and this is how they learn. I'd think about looking for a job so you have a way to pay for any further "mistakes" op and make sure your DH understands he then needs to do his half of the childcare-and God forbid he ever takes his eyes off the dcs..!

monkeymamma · 17/01/2017 23:37

I think you know hwbu in the way he spoke to you.
Wybu to let the kids have markers (or felt tips as they are called in UK, I am assuming you are in the US)? I don't think so. Firstly, I think they give a more satisfying mark than crayons and are easier to wield than pencils. For me creativity from the youngest age is a priority so I've let mine have felt tips as soon as they were old enough not to chew (say 18m?). Most are washable (and if they're not? Well stuff is just stuff, basically). Also if you're oldest is ready for markers it's not fair imo to limit their access because the youngest is not there yet. The reality of having more than 1 dc is that the younger ones get stuff earlier on because their sibs have it (eg Lego).

haveacupoftea · 17/01/2017 23:44

Did he tell you to clean it off while they all ate dinner, or did you choose to do it at that time?

bumsexatthebingo · 17/01/2017 23:51

A bit more difficult to say its just stuff when you're in rented accommodation and it's not your stuff though.

engineersthumb · 18/01/2017 00:04

Yep handing markers to kids is daft! OK he was rude but let's face it he came home tired after work and went a bit out. It's understandable if not right.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/01/2017 00:28

wax crayon is worse to get off tiles and grout and wall paper, and painted bricks.

melj1213 · 18/01/2017 02:47

YANBU to be angry at how he spoke to you, that's not how you speak to a partner nor ... However, I can kind of see his thought process of being like a kind of "You broke it, you buy it" policy. "You let them draw with markers, the consequence is on you" (including any financial hit) because he has already made his feelings clear on them not being allowed markers at all.

YABU to let your DCs use markers and then leave them unsupervised and then be surprised they might colour things other than the paper.

Also YABU to martyr yourself "everyone else was eating dinner while I scrubbed the floor, then I had to eat a reheated meal alone later". You allowed your DC to colour on the floor so it is your responsibility to clean it up, but you could have put a cleaner on it and left it to soak while you ate or just said you'd do it after dinner.

EmeraldScorn · 18/01/2017 03:15

He sounds hard work your husband!

A bit of marker pen on the grouting of a tile is hardly the end of the world and at the end of the day it's what kids do - They test boundaries, they do things they shouldn't do, it's all part of learning and growing.

I'd be more bothered by the way in which your husband spoke to you, is he always so serious? I could understand his annoyance if your kids had redecorated the living room with paper mache and PVA glue but that's not the case.

I hope you put him in his place, I hate when men speak down to their partners (and I hate even more so when the women accept it). Tell him to relax, he sounds anal and obnoxious. He spoke to you like a child, he's not your daddy, don't let him make a habit of that.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2017 03:56

Your H has delusions of grandeur, talking to his wife as if you are the hired help, and in front of the children too.

Pre-empt any more of his outrageous behaviour by making an itemised bill for all the services you render him. Then sit him down and tell him he sleeps on the couch until he grovels at your feet to apologise. Grout is not the issue here and don't let him sidetrack you. It's his decision to treat you like dirt that is the issue.

What will happen next time one of them wants to colour and he is not home? Do you say 'Sorry, Dad doesn't want us to so that', and end up looking as if he is the boss of your family and you are afraid of his reaction, or do you effectively go behind his back with the children?

This is no way to live.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him to go and explore with a health professional whether he may be suffering from anxiety.

If he won't do this, then insist on counselling. He is seeking to put himself above you, the children's everyday caregiver and to make this an unequal relationship.

Meanwhile if he tries anything like this again, tell him you are sorry he feels that way about X, Y or Z, and do not take orders from him. Tell him flat out no, raise your eyebrows, fold your arms and dig in your heels and do not do it, on point of principle.

ChishandFips33 · 18/01/2017 05:24

Kids are kids and take every available opportunity to 'explore' - it's how they learn...and it's how we learn about looking after them - benefit of hindsight and all that

I wouldn't ban them personally, but I just wouldn't leave them unsupervised now and would have a table cloth on etc. 2 year olds need to be mark making on a large scale which is maybe why he moved on to drawing on the floor

Your DH had a point to a certain extent but how he chose to discuss that was disrespectful. There were other ways/words he could have used - and you were already in the process of undoing the done when he arrived home, so not like you were being blasé about it

You said the kids had never done this before and you can't anticipate every action - however, some are more predictable than others.

Fwiw I think waxed crayons are the work of the devil and would use felt pens over them!

Is this way that he speaks to you a regular occurrence?

How did he insist you clean up before dinner - what might have happened had he not?

You are vulnerable financially - if things were more amicable I would be asking for a 'wage' for the childcare/domestic chores you are providing

Original poster

ScienceOven · 18/01/2017 08:12

monkeymamma - I totally agree, stuff is just stuff and really, how much irreversible damage can really be caused to grout

haveacupoftea - well he said to get it off right there and then. Now I do feel stupid for just going with it.

I'm very unhappy about how he talked to me, and will have a talk with him about it tonight. He hasn't spoken like that to me before.

Where we live, it's not likely that I'd get a job, especially with the school/nursery timings. I'm doing some studying online, so working on it.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2017 08:39

I think a lot of posters have gone overboard with the comments about the husband, to be honest.

With a lot of markers and pens, if you don't get things off immediately, you can't get it off at all, so leaving it to come back to try and sort it out an hour or two later may not have been at all sensible, and as they rent, potentially even more costly, as they may have an arse of a landlord. The OP did not say he said "get on your fucking knees now and get that fucking mess cleaned up now".

The bit about the finances was going too far presuming that is precisely what he said.

I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and say he may well have spoken out of frustration because he is totally right about giving children that age markers or pens (keep them to crayons and pencils at that age) and you'd proved him right in something that need not have happened at all. Your comment "how will they ever learn without ever using them" and the emoji is totally disingenuous because it's not about them never using them, but using them at an appropriate age, in an appropriate place and supervised. You left them alone - doesn't matter if it was just a minute.

IF your husband REGULARLY talks down to you about things, rather than this being a one-off, then there is a bigger problem.

Frouby · 18/01/2017 08:48

The problem isn't kids using felt tips. Or even permanent markers. It's your husband.

Accidents happen. It was an accident.

If anyone spoke to me like that and had me scrubbing the kitchen floor while everyone else ate I would ltb. Honestly. And I rarely join in with a rousing chorus of ltb.

The fact that you were upset about the finding money thing speaks volumes. My dp works. I am mostly a sahm. If we needed money to replace anything for any reason there is no way dp would tell me to find the money for it. Because we are a family and family money would sort it. And if something needed scrubbing we would have a conversation about who was going to scrub and who was going to eat.

Trifleorbust · 18/01/2017 10:20

'Find the money'

I would find the money in our joint account, where the rest of our money lives.

This tells me he secretly thinks he is giving you money.

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/01/2017 12:19

wax crayon is worse to get off tiles and grout and wall paper, and painted bricks

True, and coloured chalk is also surprisingly impossible difficult to get off UPVC.

GunnyHighway · 18/01/2017 12:37

I'd be sending him an itemised bill for his half of the childcare and any housework I did

Then he could bill you for accommodation and your share of the utilities.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/01/2017 16:04

OP, I asked this question yesterday, I'm still concerned about it -

" find a way to pay for it' suggests you don't have full access to the family finances. What money do you have access to?"

mathanxiety · 18/01/2017 19:27

Gunny, I bet he would owe a heck of a lot more to her.

OP, do you have a joint account?
Do you have access to money?
Are you free to make decisions about ordinary spending such as new clothes or footwear for you and the children?
Clearly, money for replacing grout would be a joint expense - they are both his and your children after all.
Trying to suggest that you are responsible to him financially for damage two small children may cause is horrible.

...he secretly thinks he is giving you money. [Trifleorbust]
YYY to this^^

He is also sticking it to her because he ordered her not to let the children use markers before, and clearly he thinks she should not have disobeyed. The punishment for her second disobedience was making her scrub it off while he ate with the children.

I think eating with the children while she scrubbed might have been very upsetting and puzzling for them. They knew he was angry about the grout but she was clearly the one he directed his anger at. He took them under his wing while she was isolated and clearly in disgrace. There are elements of this dynamic that are very troubling.

Do you have a lease? Have you ever looked at the terms? Where I am - renting outside of the UK - markings or even mould on grout would be considered normal wear and tear. What does your lease say about wear and tear and your security deposit?

Does your H spend much time alone with the kids, doing activities with them, supervising both at the same time for long stretches on his own, planning and getting through a few days with them without resorting to spending money on trips to venues that charge admission, or without spending days in a park while housework is neglected or left to you?

sotiredbutworthit · 18/01/2017 19:38

Your issue isn't the marker pen, that will wash. It's your husbands attitude problem. Hope you are ok. Xx

mambono5 · 18/01/2017 19:39

Hold on, didn't he mean that the mess should be cleaned immediately, because the longer you leave it, the harder it is to come out? mine haven't tried permanent marker on grout yet, so I don't know

In that case, well he is entirely right. I am fuming if I come home and the kitchen is covered in mud because the kids haven't been made to take off their boots in the utility room and the dogs paws cleaned, so I would rant too.

Otherwise, you don't seem to have a healthy relationship if he orders you around, but if you think it's ok for your kids to destroy items that he has paid for. You should be equals in your relationship, but he sounds bossy and you sound like a sulky teenager. It's not a great example for your kids frankly.

Sybis · 18/01/2017 19:48

OP was being unreasonable re. the markers.

His reaction was poor, but the OP has confirmed it's a one-off. We've all said shitty things when frustrated before, and I think he had every right to be frustrated.

On balance, YABU, but a fair response to him would have been 'I'll get it cleaned, but don't speak to me like that'.

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