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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at being addressed as "Mrs DS's Surname"?

35 replies

Slackbynameslackbynature · 17/01/2017 11:13

This is my first time posting so please be kind. I just wanted to know if I am being unreasonable at getting annoyed about my DS's (5) teacher addressing me as "Mrs Smith". Names changed to make it simple to understand without giving away real names! My DS (sadly) has his dad's surname "Smith". His dad and I split up nearly 2 years ago now. We were never married and so my surname is different to my DS. This upsets me anyway as I hate not having the same name as him. Despite my telling his teacher a number of times (has to be in excess of 10 times now) that my name is "Miss Jones" she still continues to address me as "Mrs Smith"! It drives me crazy. She did it again this morning and I said nothing this time because I'm starting to think she is doing it to wind me up. What should I do??!? I've even broached the subject with my ex today of changing DS's name to be "Smith-Jones" except it would be a terrible name as neither of us have great surnames. Needless to say he was not keen on the idea. Do I just need to woman up and get over this?? Hmm. Just to add this happens at other places other than the school too (Drs surgery etc).

OP posts:
verytiredmummy1 · 17/01/2017 11:15

The teacher is unlikely to type the letters herself. Don't think it's meant to be offensive!

verytiredmummy1 · 17/01/2017 11:17

Sorry I misread. Thought you meant letters in that name!

TheProblemOfSusan · 17/01/2017 11:17

I am happily married and we have different surnames and it pisses me off - I don't mind a lapse or a mistake but if I've corrected it more than once it's really, really irritating.

Teachers are horrifically busy but surely this has happened to her before? There must be some way did her to make a note of it?

Could you explain quite sharply to her that you are not with your son's father and so not want to be called by his name ever again, especially as it was never yours anyway? I think if it's been multiple misnamings a bit sharp next time is OK.

DearMrDilkington · 17/01/2017 11:18

I doubt she's doing it to wind you up.Confused

Karen85 · 17/01/2017 11:20

First world problems

picklemepopcorn · 17/01/2017 11:20

I would find a quiet moment at the end of the day and say you know she has a lot to remember but you find it very distressing to be addressed by ex's name.

It's one of those things that we haven't adjusted to yet.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2017 11:25

This is why most teachers use the word 'Mum'.

But that also winds a lot of Mumsnetters up.

I had the same 'problem' as you when my kids were little, but I just let it wash over me.

Teachers have enough to remember and deal with on a day to day basis.

JellyWitch · 17/01/2017 11:27

I really don't let it worry me. We double barrelled our surnames for the kids - married but I kept my surname. Sometimes I get addressed by that, sometimes by my husband's surname. It's a logical mistake to make and not personal.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2017 11:27

Could you explain quite sharply to her that you are not with your son's father and so not want to be called by his name ever again, especially as it was never yours anyway?

Forget the father.

The OP is being called by her son's surname.

Whosthemummynow · 17/01/2017 11:28

I'm always addressed by my kids surnames. I've even started introducing myself with it. Like it's my secret identity Grin

woods4thetrees · 17/01/2017 11:30

I think the issue for me though is that it's a problem that is never going to go away. Short of me changing MY name by deed poll to be ex's surname (weird and highly unappealing). I do find it distressing to be honest. I wouldn't mind so much if I'd ever actually been "Mrs Smith" and we'd got divorced, but that's not the case. He never wanted to get married.

Ilovecaindingle · 17/01/2017 11:30

School secretary refers to me as 'poppet' Confusedand I am 45!!
Think name badges at the school gate is the way to go.

Chloe84 · 17/01/2017 11:33

Could you change your DS's surname to yours?

Guitargirl · 17/01/2017 11:34

You can't help your feelings but as you said yourself this happens in other places too. For professionals who deal with your child - whether that's his teacher, doctor, their focus is your child. Not you or your feelings about his father.

llangennith · 17/01/2017 11:36

I had the same thing happen when DC were at school but decided to let it go. It really wasn't that big a deal to me even though ex-H was a nightmare so NC with the DC.

Pineapplemilkshake · 17/01/2017 11:40

I imagine teachers are dreadfully busy and may not have time to remember the preferred name of all parents. And they wouldn't have notes to hand, with a reminder.

I'm a GP, and thankful for the fact that I can add a discrete reminder that pops up in the notes if they happen to have a different title, or a name with an unusual pronounciation etc!

CotswoldStrife · 17/01/2017 11:41

I do think YAN a bit U. A teacher has 30 names to remember anyway, it is difficult to remember additional surnames on top of that!

You are making a thing out of it because you don't like your son having a different surname than you (you said that in your OP) but you've made that choice, that's not the fault of your sons teacher/GP!

liz70 · 17/01/2017 11:41

"School secretary refers to me as 'poppet' and I am 45!!"

I once had a particularly bossy teacher at DD1 and 2's primary school ask me if I shouldn't be in class by now. I had just dropped them both off and was about to go home. I was about 35 at the time! Hmm I mean, I know I'm short, but FFS! Hmm

toomuchtooold · 17/01/2017 11:42

I'm married but kept my own name, and I have big love for my DTs' kindergarten teacher, who went to the bother of looking up my name on the application forms and calls me by it - and corrects herself if she forgets. I think they use "Mrs [kidsname]" as a polite way of saying "[kidsname]'s mum" and it wouldn't bother me all that much if they did that with me, I've never said anything about my name, but it's the height of ignorance for the woman to continue calling you the wrong name when you've corrected her more than once.

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 11:46

Could you change your DS's surname to yours?

Really? This is a matter for the school (and anybody else) to address the OP correctly. Confusing for her DS to go to this extreme.

It's ok if they make the mistake once, maybe twice but the OP should have to keep reminding people. It's not that hard.

PollytheDolly · 17/01/2017 11:47

Not have to* I meant.

gamerchick · 17/01/2017 11:48

Depends on whether you have a joint bank account or not.

woods4thetrees · 17/01/2017 11:50

I guess what really annoys me is that my son's name is not the same as mine. I wish I'd insisted he had my name when my ex and I registered his birth, but at the time, we were together and I had hoped that we'd get married one day and then it would no longer be an issue. Obviously that isn't going to happen now and I guess I'm just angry that I wasn't firmer at the time he was registered. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm going to talk to his dad again about getting DS name changed to a double barrelled name. My DS himself has questioned why he has a different name to me and been bothered by it himself.

clumsyduck · 17/01/2017 11:52

I guess teachers can't remember everyone's name though . I just get called mum and Miss clumsy duck in letters as they have my details written down. I to have a different name to ds . I wouldn't take it personal

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 17/01/2017 11:53

We get 'to the parent of .......'