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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you have boys do you ever wonder if you'll become the 'evil' MIL?

90 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 16/01/2017 18:38

I certainly do. I don't have boys but reading MN would make me feel very stressed about it. It seems in-laws are hated.

OP posts:

BadToTheBone · 16/01/2017 21:16

I love my MIL, there's things I don't particularly like but all in all I love her. SIL on the other hand, grrr!

If I get a reasonable DIL then things will be fine, I'm hoping I don't get an unreasonable one. One who won't let me round for more than half an hour every 3 months, like you see on here.

Chelazla · 16/01/2017 21:17

No I'm lovely

Bitofacow · 16/01/2017 21:24

In most women's lives, in the relationship they have with other women the bond is woman to woman. With your mil you are the secondary relationship, she loves her son more than you. Many woman are threatened by this mils and dils. It is an odd relationship.
Society expects and accepts close mother, daughter relationships.
Society looks down on close mother son relationships ie mummy's boy etc.

BertrandRussell · 16/01/2017 21:25

"I think the point to remember is that a mil's relationship is with her son and grandchildren. Anything more than cordiality with the dil is a bonus.

That's a bit of an odd statement, wouldn't you want to get to know your dil as a person, maybe be her friend. Seems like a bit of disregard to the woman your son chose to spend his life with, and give birth to those grandchildren"

No- I stand by what I said- but I think I expressed it badly. What I meant was that a mil already has a relationship with her son and will naturally form relationships with her grandchildren. It's fantastic if she can also form a close relationship with her dil, but considering that they will definitely be a different generation, and may very well have very little in common it's a bit optimistic to expect it to be a friendship. And I think sometimes either or both sides have unrealistic expectations. So aim for cordiality, and see what happens. I couldnMt have less in common with my mil. We have different social class, education, politics, interests,tastes and we come from different generations. I donMt think we could ever be friends. But we're cordial and get on OK and crucially we love the same three people very much.snd she's a fantastic mum to dp and a great grandmother. And that's the important thing.

nuttyknitter · 16/01/2017 21:36

I don't have a MIL as DH's mother died before I met him, so I don't have personal experience of that dynamic. However, I have always got on with the three or four serious girl friends that my DS had had, and am still in touch with one of them. My DS is now married and I love my DIL like a daughter. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to feel close to the partner of a loved one.

Justcurious000 · 16/01/2017 22:02

I'm starting to see that anyone who 'dares'post a thread these days about a MIL where there is a genuine problem due to her being an absolute dick, gets accused of 'bashing'. Oh and of course following the 'oh just another mil bashing thread' comes the faces.

Mils are difficult, it's a different relationship, one they haven't much control over. My mil used to be fine, our relationship was good, give her a grandchild and she changed over night and this was an issue, with HER and no one else. The title mil didn't have anything to do with it.

My mum is a brilliant mil, my sisters husbands all agree. She gives them space, respects their wishes as people and parents, isn't controlling, takes a genuine interest in them and not just the kids. I'll be like her.

OhhBetty · 17/01/2017 15:33

I love my (now ex) ils. They're amazing and continue to be supportive. My son adores them and they see more of him than my own family! I have always tried to be fair to both families as I would hate for anyone to feel excluded.
My ils are always there for me but are never pushy. They offer good advice when I ask for it but never get offended if I do it a different way. I regard them as my family. I love them all. Thats the type of mil I want to be.

MLGs · 17/01/2017 15:42

No, because I am lovely

WappersReturns · 17/01/2017 15:59

As long as I take after my MIL and not my DM I'll be fine as a MIL. I have two sons and three daughters, one of which is a lesbian so will likely have three DIL. I'd like to think I've learned from the best and hopefully I'll strike as lucky in the DIL department as I did in the MIL department because I'm actually a bit of an asshat and not easy to love

TheNaze73 · 17/01/2017 16:05

The DIL/MIL dynamic will always continue to be a tussle, according to about 70% of threads on here.

Gottagetmoving · 17/01/2017 16:08

Wives should remember that their husband has a mother who loves him probably more than you do...albeit in a different way to the way they do...and not expect him to stop loving and caring about his mum.
Mothers in law should remember that their Son loves his wife and his responsibilities and loyalties now have to shift to her and his children who must come first.
I think there can be a lot of rivalry and jealousy and possessiveness from one or both of the women in a man's life and that is what causes many of the 'mil' issues.

BlurryFace · 17/01/2017 16:19

No, not at all. DS1&2 are both toddlers so it would be borrowing trouble about 16-18 years early for a start. I'm not planning on having them tied to my apron strings their whole lives, and I'm sure as hell not going to cling on to being "mumsy who does all the dishes and washing for her ickle boys", fuck that.

Most men and women are fairly reasonable. I believe I am, I hope my sons will be, and I have no reason to think my hypothetical DILs won't be.

Geez Louise, this MN " everyone thinks their MILs are evil" thing is stupid. If my MIL was dysfunctional and nuts, I probably would make a thread or two about her shenanigans. But as my MIL is actually nice, thoughtful and drama-free, I haven't felt the need to make a thread about her, you see?

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/01/2017 16:29

My MIL and I are very different. We have differing views on pretty much every aspect of our lives, from parenting to working to a woman's role and marriage, everything I am opposes who she is. Yet we love and respect one another. We also both adore DH and the DCs, and rather than fighting over who loves more or does more, we take comfort in the other's role; I love that the boys have her. I love that she's a positive influence. I love that she'd go to the ends of the earth if they needed her to. She loves that she can share their lives. She loves that we take her on holidays with us, that she's included in our family life.

When your children marry it doesn't mean losing them. It means expanding your heart to fit another person in. Admittedly from the harrowing stories on here it's not always that simplistic. But for me, love isn't finite and becoming a MIL should be a wonderful celebration. I hope to feel the same way when the DCs become Husbands and Fathers.

HazelBite · 17/01/2017 17:29

i never thought that I could possibly be an evil MIL until I joined Mumsnet!

My own MIL was not a pleasant person (she never came to our wedding) and I vowed I would never be like that. My two DIL's are terrific girls (too good for my ds's!)
I don't know what they think of me though

MercyMyJewels · 17/01/2017 17:42

I bloody well hope so!

I can't wait to be an evil old bitch and make my daughters in laws' lives a hellhole fecking misery.

It's the Circle of Life, no?

I thinking incontinent and belligerent. And more foul mouthed than Father Jack. With a bit of slutty old woman thrown in

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