If you have boys do you ever wonder if you'll become the 'evil' MIL?

[VladmirsPoutine]

I certainly do. I don't have boys but reading MN would make me feel very stressed about it. It seems in-laws are hated.

I don't worry.

I'm guessing you can say more to a daughter than to a DIL about grandkids etc.

I don't know if this is the case. My DM comments on most things regarding my DC and it's annoying. The only difference is that as she's my mum, I can show how angry it makes me. Whereas I'd have to be much more polite to my MIL.

No. I will think to myself in every situation, 'what would ex-MIL do?'. Then I will do the polar opposite. And it will be fantastic. My DIL will elect shrines in my honour.

What Ipswich said.

Yes, men can have the MIL from hell. My DH certainly has that misfortune. Fortunately he doesn't have a DP problem because I keep her at arms length. I'm not batshit so I hope I'll be a lovely MIL, like my MIL. She's a good one. Lucky me. Poor DH.

I expect I'll get it wrong as I'm very much an introvert. I'll try to work on the basis that if they make my dc happy they must be nice.

I have all boys and all I can say is that I will be warm/friendly/helpful etc... and if none of that is good enough and I can't get anything right no matter what I do, then I don't think it will be a case of "Evil MIL" change the "M" to a "D"!

I think the relationship your DIL has with her own parents it's what is key here.

I agree with bertrand
I have an awful mil; manipulative, controlling, passive aggressive and rude. But she was all these things anyway she was that way as a mother, and is the same as a mil.

I worry though about the (I'm sure) lovely mumsnetters on here with sons, I may even be one myself in the future. As some dils can be just plain horrible, as can some mils. I think as a dil, its important to make an effort with mil, include her in things effortlessly and take the time to integrate your families together so no one feels left out.

I tried this with my mil and she always made it so awful.

I think you are destined to become a mil from hell if you:
Have a possessive nature
Have to be right all the time and have an ego on the fragile side.
See your son(s) as an extension of yourself.
Treat your children like your achievements
Are naturally entitled.

Mil is all these things and more.

I'm guessing you can say more to a daughter than to a DIL about grandkids etc

I speak to my MIL a lot about the grandkids. We get on really well.
She has all boys and I have all boys too... I actually make all the more effort to not be a dreaded DIL who makes the paternal family feel like second class when it comes to the kids.

I think the point to remember is that a mil's relationship is with her son and grandchildren. Anything more than cordiality with the dil is a bonus. Either or both sides can be guilty of expecting more and that can cause friction.

I think everyone has a certain amount of "No one will ever be good enough for my son/daughter" syndrome.
My dad was pretty standoffish with my DH for the first few years of us dating. He's recently admitted he was seeing how far he could push to see if DH would just dump me or stick around because he really loved me despite my dad being an ass to him! He and my dad actually get on really well now!
I don't want to be the MIL from hell....but I know I'll have trouble letting my DS go when there's another woman in his life

Yes, I do worry about it. I have two sons. It's the only worry I ever really have about having boys - aside from the really big one of ensuring we are raising them to be good citizens and kind men.

My mum is a great role model - she's really helpful but really diplomatic. I'll take tips from her.

MY own MIL died whEn one of mine was a toddler and before the other was born. feel very sad that she didn't see them grow to the lovely teens they are now. I think she would have seen my sons mirrored in her own sons (my DH and BIL). But maybe that would have irritated me?.

Something

That's an interesting point

Sparkling

Yes, I am sure you are right.

Do only women get nightmare MIL then?

DP would answer that with a resounding NO

My parents think the sun shines out of my DHs arse

I mean he is lovely, but he's not the Messiah

I'm sure I'd only be the evil MIL if my DIL has similar traits.

The MIL hate seems to be a very "MN thing". I don't know anyone in RL who have had major issues with their In-laws.

My MIL and FIL at fab and have managed a decade without pissing me off once. My mum has been MIL to my SIL for 20 years and never a cross word?

I only have a DS but I don't worry about being a mil. I've got my own life and friends and while I love DS he is not my whole world.

This is where I think my mil has gone wrong. She has nothing else in her life apart from her faaaaamily and therefore she has too much time to butt in and annoy people.

My father was incredibly close to my maternal grandmother, they had a really lovely connection and I'm beyond grateful that my husband and mother also share a really close relationship and are very happy to socialise, go on holiday etc.

I have two great examples of good Mil'ing to aspire to.

I'm happy if I'm wrong in my assumption TBH. However/ unfortunately I have no comparison because my own mother died before my children were born, so I only have my MIL, who I do get on very well with. However- and perhaps this is my own issue- I am more aware of what I say to her than I would have been with my own mother.

Depends on whether my DD and my DS choose lovely partners.

And if they like me. Since whether a MiL is nice is only the opinion of the Son in Law or Daughter in Law it depends more on them than me.

And if I have made a good mother, a good friend, a good employee, a good aunt, a good daughter etc etc the chances are that I will bring those same qualities to a relationship with my son's or daughter's partners

If the partners are nice then the chances are I will be a lovely MiL. If the partners are horrible, manipulative, violent, financially abusive, controlling or in any way bad for my kids and if they want to distance themselves from the family then the chances are I won't be.

After being so badly treated by my mil I can safely say I will be an amazing mil to my son in law and daughters in law. I learnt from the best on how NOT to treat people!
I want my kids in my life when they are grown up there is no way I will alienate them by mistreating their partners.

I hope not! But then if I get a DIL who expects me to never see my son or grandchildren.......... I may get upset and handle it badly.
As a single parent I'm raising my son to have respect for women and I think he will choose a strong woman not somebody who seethes privately. Somebody assertive who would just raise an issue. That's how I do things. But argh, it's scary. who knows.

CMamaof4, true my xmil was awful to me. Tried to manipulate me and then got petulant and martyred when I saw through it. So I will not go in to the relationship believing I can, or have the right to manipulate somebody else in to doing what suited me!