Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

If you have boys do you ever wonder if you'll become the 'evil' MIL?

90 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 16/01/2017 18:38

I certainly do. I don't have boys but reading MN would make me feel very stressed about it. It seems in-laws are hated.

OP posts:

happy2bhomely · 16/01/2017 19:56

I have 2 sons and 3 daughters.

The way I try to see it is that even if my MIL and I have nothing else in common, we both share a love of the same person/people.

My Mil raised a man that I want to spend my life with. A man I wanted to be the father of my children.

I am the woman that loves her son and makes him happy every day. I love and care for her grandchildren.

For me, and her, this is enough to make things work, despite our differences.

I hope it is enough when my children meet people that they love.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 16/01/2017 20:02

My MIL died before I even met DH so yes, it is something I ponder over as I've not had any experience of a DIL - MIL relationship myself.
Mumsnet has been a real education on that front, plenty of threads all about How Not to Do It.
My boys are little so it's not something I'll really have to think about for a long time, but my strategy is to treat my sons as adults and the partners they chose as adults. I will respect boundaries and not inflict myself upon them unannounced. If I'm blessed with grand children I hope to be able to laugh about how much parenting advice has changed and let my DIL get on with it how she sees fit. I wont expect to be waited on, I'll make the tea/coffee/whatever!

grannytomine · 16/01/2017 20:03

I have 2 DILs, well one is an ex but we don't bother with that. I get on fine with them both, never had an argument but I try to be on hand when needed but don't interfere. My SIL to be is lovely and we get on well, apparently when my husband wasn't well my kids were speculating on me living with one of them (not something I intend to do ever and certainly not in my early 60s) and SIL 2 b apparently said, "Well obviously she will live with us." I thought that was lovely.

BadKnee · 16/01/2017 20:04

I think the point to remember is that a mil's relationship is with her son and grandchildren -

-so Bertrand - how would you describe a relationship between a mother and her daughter's husband?

That comment is surprisingly anti-women.

And a male parent - is he allowed a relationship with his in-laws?
The obsession with the women and their sons is taking us back to the old Dowager syndrome. It is ridiculous.

DixieNormas · 16/01/2017 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadKnee · 16/01/2017 20:09

Oh and personally I have a lovely MiL - a woman I love and respect and value hugely. My kids adore her. She has helped me no end.

My three siblings all have good MiLs
And their three partners get/got on well with my Mum and Dad - one slightly less than the others but then she needs to be Queen Bee.

nixnjj · 16/01/2017 20:14

I worry about this to single parent to only son and really close relationship but as the poster above I think he will want a strong assertive woman. No interest in girls atm as he sees his mates being henpecked and made to do stuff they don't want to. Snapchat group chat whilst face timing his mates is hilarious.

He hopes to be a professional wrestler so we go between me having a fab house at the bottom of the garden with a JackDaniel fountain, to a tent in the garden with a potty and a watering can as a shower. To putting me in an asylum so I have likeminded people to be mates with.

I also plan on being a bad gran, feeding grandchildren chocolate cake and coke for breakfast and having sofa bouncing competitions. Revenge is sweet.

Thankfully my sons sense of humour is as warped as mine so any future wife will have to have a sense of humour to cope with him.

Mind you I do plan when he leaves home that I will go travelling again and do some overseas volunteering.

My own mum is rubbish so do hope to be a helpful mil but and a private person and respect others privacy too.

Finally If I had a sil from hell I could always cook her a meal and poison the bitch lol

MuseumOfCurry · 16/01/2017 20:15

Am I the only one who thinks it must be very hard to yield to the new most important woman in your son's life?

Absolutely dreading it.

OddBoots · 16/01/2017 20:15

I hope not but my ds has ASD so that adds a potential factor to any relationships he may have and as my dd is gay I may well have another DIL and I have no idea what the usual kind of dynamic is with inlaws of a female couple.

NotYoda · 16/01/2017 20:17

Museum

I think it depends how old they are. I think you gradually build up to recognising that you aren't the be-all-and-end all in their lives. DS1 is 16 and I am kind of looking forward to this phase - wonder who he'll choose and who'll choose him.

IvorHughJarrs · 16/01/2017 20:17

I do worry about it. My MIL has been unhelpful, uncaring and dismissive of my feelings over the years until recently when she has been unwell and needs help. I don't dislike her but really don't care which somehow seems worse.

I would hate my future DILs to feel about me as I do about her and wonder how to be myself and not walk on eggshells in trying to achieve that

TeaCakeLiterature · 16/01/2017 20:21

I do! I love my son to bits so can imagine thinking no one is good enough haha

But I've had such a god awful MIL I hope I'd be conscious of how it's pushed DH away from her and therefore make me reflect and be wary of the effect of my actions! I think DH would also remind me too if I started down that path lol

Laniakea · 16/01/2017 20:22

"I think everyone has a certain amount of "No one will ever be good enough for my son/daughter" syndrome."

I don't think they do. I don't & I don't understand the attitude tbh

PeachBellini123 · 16/01/2017 20:22

Teacake - that's the thing. It just ends up pushing the son away instead of bringing him closer I think.

MycatsaPirate · 16/01/2017 20:30

Some of these comments are quite scary.

A MIL should only have a relationship with his son and gc. Really? So the woman who carried and gave birth to the gc is a mere nothing? And then you'll wonder why she will never want to visit?

And to be honest, the mothers saying they are worried that there will be another woman as important as them in their sons lives is frightening. YOU are the types of women who turn into MIL from hell because you can't let go of your baby boy!!

I have two girls. I can only bring them up well and send them off into the world. I have no fears about their future partners being more important than me, I should hope that they will be and that their dc will be more important than me. That is their future and by taking a back seat it will be mine to enjoy too.

Mind you, DD1 is off to Ipswich in two weeks, I wonder if she will meet up with IpswitchWitch DS and he can cook her dinner :o

Almostfifty · 16/01/2017 20:32

I only have sons. My MIL has never, ever commented on my parenting, just helped out whenever she could.

I have a lovely relationship with the partner of one of my DC but as he's another lad, that might be why. I'm not used to girls.

Somedays · 16/01/2017 20:41

I have to say I don't worry about it. But then all this "most important woman in DS's life" crap just isn't me. I'm their mum, I don't see myself as a woman in that context, if that makes any sense. I expect all my children to grow up, move away and start their own lives, and I hope they'll come and see me sometimes and won't mind me visiting them sometimes, but I intend to be busy getting on with my own life too!

JassyRadlett · 16/01/2017 20:45

I certainly do. I don't have boys but reading MN would make me feel very stressed about it.

I have two boys and I'm not stressed at all. My mum is a brilliant MIL (my SIL is much closer to her than to her own mum because her own mum is an entitled demanding cow, while my mum is thoughtful and respects boundaries). My dad'a mum was a horrific MIL who tried to split up my parents.

And as someone else said, I'm aiming to raise fully functioning men, not man-children who are enabled in not pulling their weight in their relationships by over involved parents.

SignOnTheWindow · 16/01/2017 20:50

I have two daughters. I may at some point in the future have SILs - or perhaps DILs, of course . Either way think I'll be particularly evil though (unless they hurt my wikkle babies ).

SignOnTheWindow · 16/01/2017 20:51

I mean I don't think I'll be particularly evil

ollieplimsoles · 16/01/2017 20:54

bertrand

I think the point to remember is that a mil's relationship is with her son and grandchildren. Anything more than cordiality with the dil is a bonus.

That's a bit of an odd statement, wouldn't you want to get to know your dil as a person, maybe be her friend. Seems like a bit of disregard to the woman your son chose to spend his life with, and give birth to those grandchildren.

shortsaint · 16/01/2017 20:56

Often

Somedays · 16/01/2017 20:59

Yeah, I found Bertrand's comment pretty odd too - that woman is fulfilling the role within your son's new primary family, that you did in his primary family as a child. Pretty odd to refuse to acknowledge her importance. And it's not like it's a competition...

BrondeBombshell · 16/01/2017 21:04

Museum, I agree, a brave thing to admit I think, but yes, my son loves me so much. I can't imagine what it will be like when he and the new most important woman in his life are rolling their eyes conspiratorially at my blundering.... it'll be hard.

shortsaint · 16/01/2017 21:11

I worry about it.

My mil is a good woman but a wet lettuce. It drives me mad, and I am sure I irritate her. (I wouldn't take my husband's surname, partly on principle but also because I didn't want the same name as her). She exacerbates my weak points.

I am sure I will have my comeuppance with my 2 boys. But I do make a conscious effort to be self-reliant, don't want to live through my kids. Hoping to boot 'em out at 21 to make their own way in the world!!

Ho Ho, we'll see!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread