To hate being a stepdad

[Edward19]

As the title says really, I am a stepdad to a 17 year old boy and 15 year old girl. I also have my own teenage son who is 17, and a younger son who is age two.

I think having three teenagers at the best of times is a struggle but when you have stepchildren it's worse.

I don't know why I feel like this specifically today but after a family outing last week I would just like to be a happy family like other families. Everytime we go on a family outing their is fighting or some sort of problem.

I've been with my wife for 4 years now and I think things have been bad at the moment. We've had good family times but it was a long time ago.

Aibu

Me and my brother used to fight like cat and dog, to the point of injury. Screaming fights all the time. Not step- though. I think you might have got too used to an only and now have to deal with sibling bullshit.

Do you actually want to stay married and work on things? Because it's only a couple of years until you are back to one at home.

YANBU.

But you might be being a bit introspective. Having 3 teenagers of your own would be just as hard. Step-family life is hard, but so is "nuclear" family life. How much of the difficulties are just the trials and tribulations of teenager-ness, and marital problems that everyone faces?

AND you have a 2 year old. It's bloody hard work.

Do you get any time together, just you and your wife?

It's not a case of reasonableness - you feel how you feel. I think if your marriage was happier this would be less of an issue - you'd just be able to suck it up if everything else was good. I think that's what my DH did with my older two, who were challenging to say the least when we got together. Years later though, and my DS1 sent us both a Christmas card saying "to my wonderful parents", which made DH cry - it can be worth hanging on in there. And don't forget 3 teenagers will be hard work for any family - there is no "happy family like other families" - we all have our issues, and you're not seeing what goes on behind closed doors.

Not really no. Sometimes I hate being a parent. My 4 DC can argue over fresh air and it drives me crazy.

I think the bickering is quite normal and it does get you down at times plus teenagers are quite horrid.
Apart from the bickering is there anything else?

Teenagers can be hard to love at the best of times, especially when you're not their dad. Struggles are very common in all families, not just step ones and we had many a day out or family holiday where we thought why the hell have we even bothered? Don't just think your feelings are because you are a step family. Have you vocalised any of this to your partner??

I don't think being a step family makes much difference. I think they'd be arguing like cat and dog no matter what. Step family or no.

Well I was a step-child and I hated that too! I think it's rare for the step-child/step-parent relationship to be a happy, loving and natural one. I just think that all animals are hard-wired to favour our own genetic offspring over others - and yes I include humans in that. I also think that it's hard to co-parent with anyone, let alone someone who's DC are not your own. Put all that together and you are unlikely to have harmony in the home.

How does your DW feel? If things are good between the two of you and you are in agreement and don't undermine each other then that's about as good as it gets. If you're having problems then talk and if talking is hard or impossible then consider Relate or something. Because the other option if for one of you to leave. Do you want that?

Teenagers can be arseholes.

I was 12 when my mam and stepdad married. I was a horrible teenager running away and getting pregnant at 17 are just a few examples.

I'm 28 now and lovely (honest) we are really close and it was my stepdad who walked me down the aisle last year.

I think you just need to hang in there. My DD1 is (nearly) a teenager and I don't like her very much sometimes.

And yes - siblings bicker and lots of teenagers are selfish arseholes!

Who's doing the fighting?
If it's your DS against the others then maybe it's time to stop trying so hard to be a happy blended family and spend more time on your own with him.

Teens are finding their own place in life and may resent being expected to be best pals with other teens that they didn't pick, so I'd cut them a bit of slack just for that.

If it's all of them fighting then maybe you should just realise that most teens are pains and they will grow up and that all those other happy families more than likely have their moments as well.

I remember as a step mum on a family holiday with our respective kids when they were teens ...and they spent all the time bickering, being bloody miserable and arguing in the back of the car.. ..

One day in the middle of it all , and not being able to stand any more I stopped the car in the middle of nowhere, got out and said to my (now) DH.. 'Thats it..i'm off.. just go on without me' ! ( and I meant it .. They didnt mind you..and it got better after that )

Teens .. so ruddy hard .. but they have kids of their own now and we are still a family !

Teenagers can be awful gits so it will pass. Around the age of 18 onwards they gradually become nice unless are actually horrible people.

My teens can be awful and I don't inflict them on other people so much nowadays and days out always seem to bring out the worst in all of us for some reason!

A pre xmas trip we took was the longest 12 hours of my life, I think we were all verging on a breakdown by the time we finally got home. And let's not mention when we shared one hotel room for a week

So it is not just step parents who feel this way I promise you.
My BF has only seen their well behaved side so far but I make sure he is under no illusion that they are Hard Work

Big question is whether the kids are causing you and your wife to fall out and take sides. If you can stick together and agree that all of them are a royal pita then it's ok. If you are having huge disagreements about who's DC are causing the rifts and who is to blame that's not so good.

Hold tight because it does pass.