To ask about your relationship with your siblings?

[anametouse]

Honestly because I'm trying to decide if i should have another baby (fertility problems so can't leave it to fate, I have the money for another round of IVF which is how DS got here)

People keep saying he should have a sibling, but I don't know anyone who is close to their siblings. I'm an only child and was always happy as one.

How is your relationship with your siblings, were they a vital part of your childhood, do they make you happy?

I was an only and the overriding memory of my childhood was the sound of the clock ticking in the hallway of our silent house. I thought I was a happy only child until I grew up, had my own child and realised that with no shared narrative you have a pretty skewed vision of events. Having said that, I ummed and ahhed about another and there will be a 4 year age gap between my two. I think parenting when our generation were children was quite 'benign neglect' and consequently effort wasn't put into building sibling relationships or entertaining only children in some families. Hence issues.

Jelly, I'm sorry you felt your childhood was lonely, but your point about the sibling 'shared narrative' is naive. The whole complexity of sibling relationships is that there isn't necessarily a shared narrative at all.

I'm one of four with smallish age gaps of 2 or 3 years, all growing up in the same house, with the same parents, and ongoing adult issues (as with many friends with complicated sibling relationships in adulthood) do stem from the fact that we all have a separate, in some cases opposed, narratives of our upbringing.

I have an older, by two years, sister who has resented me since birth.

We now live on opposite sides of the globe, suits us both fine.

DH and I have one DS 5yo. DH is one of 6 and 4 of them live in the same town as us, as well as Fil. One Bil is NC (martied to an utterly controlling weirdo. A thread in its own right!).

DS has 1 same-age cousin who he has a great relationship with, they meet once a week-ish. Another 5 cousins we rarely see, twice a year maybe.

We make sure that DS goes to friends' houses uf invited, and we invite them round too. Or we'll send a group whatsapp to all classmates to say something like tomorrow X is on, who wants to meet at Y and go together. Etc.

But DS loves loves loves his alone time with us to himself. In 5 years he has never asked for a sibling - but we have a dog

We are choosing not to have another child. And if people ask (in all honesty only about 10 people in 5 years, we are lucky!), then i just say 'no, we aren't' and change the subject.

You cannot predict what relationship siblings will have, it really is let the chips fall where they may, type thing.

I was one of six - too many kids, resources were scarce, tempers were frayed, we competed for attention, my parents were alcoholics and neglectful - older siblings took on the role of parenting, which was needed at the time but they never really moved on from that - they still try to boss me around, I don't enjoy spending time with them and increasingly I avoid them as much as possible.
My dcs on the other hand have a lovely relationship - they are good friends and miss each other when separated, they get everything they need money wise and time wise, there is very little tension in my house and I would say my dcs have beniftted from having a sibling - I'm on the fence about myself.

I am the youngest in my family with two older twin sisters. We didn't have a brilliant relationship growing up, to the point that one of them broke my nose when my mum kicked me out at 16 because I quit college (long story) Fast forward 14 years and the same sister is my rock, is currently helping me leave an unhappy relationship and is the only member of my family that I am really in touch with. I tell my dd and ds daily that they will be best friends when they are older, that they can always rely on each other. They have the usual bickering but they have a friend for life. Ultimately it is down to you but I for one am very happy to have two children 🙂

I have 2 sisters and 1 brother - NC with all of them. ( long story ) but in short, never had anything in common with my sisters and they certainly haven't added anything to my life, in fact, I wish I'd been an only.

I have a sister three years younger. We may as well have been born on different planets - zero shared interests or likes, she is an extrovert with a superiority complex, I'm an anything for a quiet life recluse. we meet once a year at Christmas for half an hour.

Its up to you what you do, not other people so you should only have another child if you want one.

That being said I have a sister whos five years younger and we've never got on from being children. Now that we're adults I only contact her to let her know how my pregnancys going and nothing else, as frankly I don't like her and who she is and being virtually NC works for us. But by the same token I know siblings who are best friends and do everything together. So reallu its the luck of the draw.

My younger sister (just under 3 years apart) is genuinely my best friend. We were super close (with the usual bickering!) as kids, drifted apart a bit between 13/10 and 21/18 but now are incredibly close as adults (28 and 25) DP knew that when we got together the most important person for him to win over wasn't my friends or parents but DSis She and I live about an hour away from each other and probably see each other once every six weeks or so, but we go on a spa break once a year, go to the cinema etc.

All the above said, I agree with pps who have said that having another child is a call you need to make for yourselves, not based on a potential good sibling relationship, which is just a lovely bonus.

I was very close to my sister, who is 18 months older than me, when we were growing up and she was a really important part of my childhood, but that's because that's what I knew. I don't think I would have minded being an only either because I was always very close to my parents. I agree you have to do what is right for you all as a family, not just your child, and you certainly can't guarantee that siblings will get on!

Thing is you have no idea whether you'll manage a second-nor if they'll get on, or if they'll be there when needed.

Friends of my parents died in the last year. They had 2 dc, one of whom died 3 years ago in his 40s (unmarried) and the other one is single too. She's now very alone, and, I think, feels so, literally no family at all. But she had a sibling growing up.

For me, I'm the middle one of three. It has varied.
Up to age 10yo I was close to my dbro.
Then I couldn't stand him and was close to dsis.
There was a period I didn't really see either, and then I got really close to dsis.
Unfortunately something has come up recently and I've realised that dsis is really (I think) jealous of me and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I don't think she should be, but I am aware (I don't know if she knows I'm aware) of a massive strop she had which upset dm, which I think jealousy is at the back of it. I'm saddened by it.

Dsis and dbro have always I would describe as neither getting on or otherwise. They just didn't share any interests, were quite a difference in age, and I have no recollection of them doing anything together just them. Genuinely cannot think of a single activity or interest they ever did together even as a one off, let alone regularly. Nor even really joining in things as a family, it tended to be one or the other.

Which made me not sure what to say when dbro's wife said to me that if she had children she hoped they'd be as close as dbro or dsis were because they had obviously been so close as children. Dbro had a slight look on his face, so I suspect dsis has rewritten history in talking, which leaves me a little as to what to say. It's come up a couple of times (never when dsis is present, but I don't often see both at once due to distances anyway, they see each other much more than I see either) and it leaves me feeling awkward because I don't like saying "oh yes, they did" because it really wasn't true, nor do I want to say it wasn't true because I feel it's a bit mean on dsis. so I change the subject.

What I would say my observations from friends who were only children is that the parents seemed to have more difficulty moving them from child status to adult. They either had them as confidant at 8yo hearing all the ins and outs of relationships and expecting them to help make adult decisions. Or they were still treating them like a child at 21yo, and expecting them to be in by 6pm for dinner.

I would say have another child because you want them. Not because you feel you should for ds.

I have one sister (2 years younger than me) and we are closer than anything. I love her so much. Apart from usual sibling rivalry we got on really well as children. Definitely less close when we were teenagers but since both moving out we have grown together again. Now we are both early 40s and she lives 30min bus ride away. We see each other at least fortnightly and the kids love meeting up with their cousins.

DH has 2 brothers and 1 sister. He was 8, 11 and 22 when each was born and he gets on with them but they aren't especially close. From what I can tell his 2 brothers (who are 3yrs apart) are a lot closer with each other than him and their sis.

I have 6 kids so let's hope they like having siblings! DS can definitely get annoyed with his 5 younger sisters but they do all love each other really! DD3 is only 15mths older than the little twins and they are always playing together, etc. I hope their relationship is as good as mine and my sister's when they're older.

I do know quite a lot of people who really don't get on with their siblings and lots of really happy onlys.

Do what you and your DP want as I'm sure your DS will be happy whatever happens. You can't really know beforehand what their relationship will be like. If you want another child then go for it but if not then don't.

Two sisters, couldn't tell you the last time I spoke to either of them! We get on fine but just very different people. We really, really argued during the teenage years so maybe that's why we are not closer.

Can't stand my brother ( 19months younger). We never got on and I truly wish I had been an only child. We have absolutely nothing in common. Have children you want but don't expect or think it's for your current child.

I fear your thread is going to attract people with sibling relationships worth commenting on... so might be inclined to the extreme.

I'm the middle one of 5 (9 year total spread). We were close but argumentative as children and I was closest to the oldest and youngest rather than my adjacent siblings.

They are a vital part of my adult life, although a large geographical spread we communicate daily, see each other at least once a month (apart from the one in Australia) and at least 2 of them I feel closer to than my closest friends (different though, no holds barred with sibs).

I obviously never had a choice, I was born with 2 siblings and got 2 more before I was 4yo. So I can't comment on whether I needed that relationship as a child. I need them now though. All the best whatever you decide.

I fear your thread is going to attract people with sibling relationships worth commenting on... so might be inclined to the extreme.

I agree

But both extremes so can get a feel for if more can't stand or more adore

I am dc3 of 4dc. big age gap between 2 and 3 and have a niece who was born shortly after dc4. I am very close to dc2 and we have always got on well despite big gap. dc4 and niece are, as adults, my best friends and I couldn't imagine my life without them - speak daily, see each other a few times a week in varying combinations. We have chosen to live very close to each other and our children are growing up together too. As kids we fought like cat and dog, BUT there were many good times too, shared experiences and being there for each other when needed. I have gone on to have 4dc and the majority of the time they all get on really well, like a little tribe, and their relationship with their cousins is great also!

I am so happy that I have a lovely brother. On the orher hand DP has a sister from hell and we would like to shoot her.

It really depends on the personality of each child. Just because they are siblings doesn't mean that they get on. Have a baby if YOU want one, or not. Sod the sibling talk.

My sister and I didn't get along at all when we were growing up. Constant arguments, bickering, squabbles over the most pathetic things. She hated me.

Now we get on OK - it's more the fact we've matured and we don't argue over silly things. She belittles me sometimes and tries embarrasses me in front of others but I just ignore her because I know it's coming from a place of insecurity on her part.

So, not great.

My siblings were definitely an essential part of my childhood. I was the middle one, sister 1 year older and brother 3 years younger. Then parents split up and I gained 3 half brothers and 2 step sisters by age 14.

Closest to my older sister but see them all and we'd all do anything to help each out.

And I agree with other PPs that the thread won't be a true representation of sibling relationships.

My brother is one of my best friends and I would do anything for him.
My own children are very close and rarely argue, if at all.
They are a team working against me sometimes

I have 2 sisters, one is 8 years older and the other 9 years younger. Growing up, I didn't get along with either of them. I would have been a much happier child as an only child. We get along now as adults, but we only see each other a few times a year (I live in a different country to them). I love them, and I like them now, but we're not close.

I have an only child, and I adore it. There's no way I will have another one.

I loved my little sister (16 months younger than me) when she was born (so I'm told) and, now that I'm fast approaching 50—SAGA comes to me in March and I'm in no way ready for it—I love her just as much now.

Usual minor scraps when we were small but we've always got on