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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childless friend organising a weekend in paris if you please for her hen night!

65 replies

charmkin · 23/02/2007 10:43

omg
she is doing wedding on a shoe string
but expects me to go on weekend to paris for hen night! With all the organisation that entails and she has NO IDEA.

Can't you just get your mum to have the kids so we can leave early on Fri...

I know, she says, my mum can have them! Oh yes, I'm really going to leave my kids with a complete stranger so I can go to Paris...

Plus if I am goign to spend the best part of £300 on a weekend in paris, shouldnt it be with dh and not a couple of friends plus a6 people i barely know?

and how do i tell her? She won't understand having to leave the kids for a whole weekend takes a lot of sorting out and the fact that I won't enjoy it anyway because i will resent even being there...

OP posts:

motherinferior · 23/02/2007 10:49

Tell her you can't afford it? And then just stonewall on the subject. Hint that if you go on this, she's getting no wedding present?

Caligula · 23/02/2007 10:49

How old are your kids.

I think with the oblivious childless, you just have to give it to them straight: "Look, I know you don't understand this, but leaving my children for a whole weekend at this stage, is simply not an option. I can't do it, because they are my children. When you have children, you will understand why I can't, but atm, you'll just have to take my word for it that it's impossible. Sorry, I'd love to come, but I just can't. Have a lovely time."

And if she keeps on nagging, just say: "listen, when you have kids, I'm going to remind you of this. And you will understand then."

She will feel horribly patronised and talked down to, but tbh with really oblivious people like this, the only option one is left with, is to horribly patronise them!

Enid · 23/02/2007 10:50

I would say a big fat no

dont expect her to understand

just dont go

I resent this new fangled weekend away for hen nights crap

MamaG · 23/02/2007 10:51

in complete agreement with enid

Enid · 23/02/2007 10:52

and don't feel you have to explain either! She won't understand anyway.

MrsPhilipGlenister · 23/02/2007 10:52

I agree with Enid too (what happened to davenid?)

WanderingTrolley · 23/02/2007 10:57

I too loathe the weekend away to end singledom, please spend £300 for my enjoyment.

Tell her you can't afford it - she may well be in bridezilla mode, in which case your every move not related to Her Big Day will be taken as an insult anyway.

Actually, there's the thing - bridezillas have no concept of the world not revolving around them.

littlelapin · 23/02/2007 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caligula · 23/02/2007 11:03

She doesn't know why it's difficult, but she won't listen when told it is...

prufrock · 23/02/2007 11:04

Why on earth can't a single woman decide to have a weekend in Paris with her friends before she settles down, gets married and has kids?

Of course, you are just as entitled to tell her you can't go because you already have kids (though personally I'd be off like a shot) and she should accept that with good grace, and if she is pressurising you at all then you are right she is being unreasonable. But she has asked you to go with her and tried to arrange it so you can go. You can't criticise someone who is not a mother for not understanding the problems mothers face. Just tell her that you don't want to leave your kids for a weekend of debauchery - not can't, but don't want to because it's difficult and therefore you won't enjoy it. And invite her over to yours for a night in with a bottle of wine as a mini-hen for just the 2 of you.

dejags · 23/02/2007 11:05

I think it might be a bit unreasonable if she is expecting you to organise it.

However, on the actual going front I do think you are being a tad unreasonable. She just doesn't understand the logistics of childcare (an hour can be difficult, let alone a whole weekend). I doubt very much this is personal - she just excited.

Just tell her that a) you can't afford it and b) you aren't prepared to leave the children.

I'd be amazed if she was offended. I'd suggest a local night out for those of people who can't go due to childcare or financial issues, leaving it up to her to organise a weekend away if she feels like it.

FWIW - I also hate the idea of going away for the weekend. I think hen nights are fairly wanky at the best of times and that's just one night.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 23/02/2007 11:15

give the woman a break.

We were all childless once.

we all went away for weekends and probably didn't understand when our friends with children just couldn't pick up and come with us.

This whole attitude that "childless friends are so selfish and have no understanding of how hard it is for those of us with children" really annoys me. We've all been there, but I think the majority just tend to forget.

if she wants you to organize it tell her you can't. if she wants you to go tell her you don't want to leave your children. how complicated does it have to be.

hana · 23/02/2007 11:17

agree that she just doens't understand as she has no kidss, but you don't have to get so angry about it, just say you can't go but tell yer to have a great time

Twinkie1 · 23/02/2007 11:17

God I dragged 16 people to Barcelona with me - some had kids and some didn't - I asked and they came - well a few decided not to as their husbands couldn't be trusted to keep the kids alive for 3 days without them being there!!

Its not a big deal if you can't go just say you can't go. How ould you have felt if she didn't invite you at all and you found out about it - would you feel a little put out that you hadn't been invited???

anniemac · 23/02/2007 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

littlelapin · 23/02/2007 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LowFatMilkshake · 23/02/2007 11:41

If she is having a shoe string wedding - then why a huge hen do - surely you spend more on the day itself??

A bit unreasonable of her to expect you to just up and go and forget your commitments and dump your children on someone they wont know.

But it is her hen night and wedding so I dont think you should omplain bout her choice.

Why not tell her you're not going to be able to make it for all the reason already mentioned, but tell her you'd love a night out with her and friends either before or after she goes.

kslatts · 23/02/2007 11:43

I think I would of been offended if she hadn't asked me because I have kids.

I have been away for the weekend once since having my kids, it was nice to relax for the weekend, and the kids didn't mind as they got to spend some quality time just them and dh. Having said that I think it's a personal choice, if you don't want to leave your kids for the weekend you should just tell your friend you don't want to go.

bea · 23/02/2007 11:44

ooo! look, if she's a good enough friend to invite you away for her hen weekend, then she should completely understand why you can't go... if she's not that sort of friend then who cares if you offend her...

and also like someone has already said... we were alll childess once and didn't 'get it!'... i remember me and dh (not at the time!) gave a lift to a couple (friends) who had a probably 1 year old at the time... and they didn't have a car seat (this was from brum to devon!) we just popped him in teh back seat... didn't think to be concerened... didn't ask them if they needed lots of breaks to stretch legs.... they also stayed the night with us and we jsut gave him some cushions for the floor! - friends diodn't seem to mind (or didn;t voice their concerns anyway!)... now thinking back it fills with horror... as i would do everything completely diff now!... so chill out and just politely tell her it would be impractical for you (money/childcare etc) and remember that not all people recognise the juggling tricks we have to do when we have children (although they damn well should do!!!!!! )

ArcticRoll · 23/02/2007 11:47

I would be honest with her and say sorry I can't afford it and childcare would be difficult to arrange. Then suggest both of you going out together for nice meal/bar/club to mark the occassion.

LieselVentouse · 23/02/2007 11:48

I can understand her wanting to have a girlie weekend before she gets married but I can also understand why you wouldnt want to go, I wouldnt either so she should understand why youre not going.

Peridot30 · 23/02/2007 11:49

give the woman a break.

We were all childless once.

we all went away for weekends and probably didn't understand when our friends with children just couldn't pick up and come with us.

if she wants you to organize it tell her you can't. if she wants you to go tell her you don't want to leave your children. how complicated does it have to be.
TOTALLY AGREE

Peridot30 · 23/02/2007 11:50

MEANT TO SAY THAT WAS A QUOTE FROM WANNABE.. and i totally agree with everything she says

shonaspurtle · 23/02/2007 11:51

I could never afford to go on these weekend hen things before kids either. Just used to say no cash sorry.

All my really good friends opted for a meal out or drinks luckily.

LieselVentouse · 23/02/2007 11:57

I certianly wouldnt expect people to spend £300 on my hen night, then £100+ on an outfit, then £50+ on a gift, then £50+ on drinks etc. at the reception

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