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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childless friend organising a weekend in paris if you please for her hen night!

65 replies

charmkin · 23/02/2007 10:43

omg
she is doing wedding on a shoe string
but expects me to go on weekend to paris for hen night! With all the organisation that entails and she has NO IDEA.

Can't you just get your mum to have the kids so we can leave early on Fri...

I know, she says, my mum can have them! Oh yes, I'm really going to leave my kids with a complete stranger so I can go to Paris...

Plus if I am goign to spend the best part of £300 on a weekend in paris, shouldnt it be with dh and not a couple of friends plus a6 people i barely know?

and how do i tell her? She won't understand having to leave the kids for a whole weekend takes a lot of sorting out and the fact that I won't enjoy it anyway because i will resent even being there...

OP posts:

Caligula · 23/02/2007 11:59

I'm sorry but I just don't recognise this "we've all been there, we all didn't know that children are different from adults once".

I've always known kids were different from adults, but that's probably because I grew up in a non-English culture. I think it says volumes about the apartheid between adults and children in this country, that so many people actually have to become parents before they realise that kids are different.

Hulababy · 23/02/2007 12:02

I agree with Enid - just say no and leave it at that.

Also can't understand the new desite to have hen/stag parties that involve going away for 2 or 3 days and costing huge amounts!

anniemac · 23/02/2007 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

itsmeNDaveP · 23/02/2007 12:09

I don't see the problem. Hen and Stag weekends abroad are hardly out of the ordinary. If you can't afford to go, then just don't go.

I agree wholeheartedly with prufrock

chacha3 · 23/02/2007 12:15

if she is your best friend i would go personally! you may even enjoy yourself! it will be nice to have some time out! cant your hubby look after them?

piglit · 23/02/2007 12:15

Just tell her you can't go. End of.

At least she asked you - otherwise your thread might have been "My friend is going to Paris for the weekend and hasn't asked me because I've got children..."

JARM · 23/02/2007 12:18

a close friend of mine got married last year, her bridesmaid had decided they should do a weekend at centre parcs, when I got the invite, there was 1 week to pay up and book and we would be off in 3 weeks.

I emailed a very detailed appology to my friend and said that because of the ages of the girls, and lack of notice and cash, there was no way I could afford to go.

She totally understood, and even admitted to me, she didnt think it would happen because not everyone had £200 plus food/spends money to spare.

We decided between us that a fairer way of doing it would be to do a spa day where you can pay for what you want or just go along for the social side, and then a meal out in the evening. It worked really well.

I think you just have to be honest, and say you cant afford it and cant leave the kids.

mmk · 23/02/2007 12:18

I would politely refuse, (there is no way I'd spend £300 on a weekend away especially for a hen weekend, when a drink or meal would do). The total would be more like £500 with all the extras anyway. Then of course, there will be the cost of attending the wedding.
It would be hard to enjoy, if you were thinking about your childen too.

I'd be glad she invited me, and wish her a happy weekend. Then I'd think that if I've saved £300, I should spend £150, and we'd still be better off.

sazzybee · 23/02/2007 12:33

People without kids do realise that some things they plan are less convenient for those who are lucky enough to have them. But if that's what she wants to do for her hen night, then that's her choice. Obviously it's a bit silly if all her friends have got children and will find it difficult to get away for the weekend. But it doesn't sound like that and you can't really expect childless people to run their lives in a way which is better for you.
Like a lot of people have said, many mums would jump at the chance to go away for the weekend. If it's difficult for you to go, just say so.
Having said all that, I loathe the whole weekend away for the hen night thing - what's wrong with an evening out?

jwud · 23/02/2007 12:34

I went on a hen weekend to Majorca when my kids were 3 and 6. I worried about it every day before I went and even considered not going and losing the money. As soon as the plane took off I knew that I'd made the right choice and I had a fabulous time. My kids had a great time with dh who got his mum to help out. I would say go for it.

Original poster

charmkin · 23/02/2007 13:19

I think that she thinks she is understanding about having kids. She thinks that she is being generous by volunteering her mum to babysite - how do you say that there is no way that you would leave your kids with a total stranger,even for an afternoon, to go on a hen night.

Kids are 1 and 6. 6 year old not really the problem

Not her best mate , but oldest. She was my bridesmaid 10 years ago and for the record we went for a mexican and then to a local cheesy club for my hen night.

My main problem is that I cannot begin to explain the logistics of goign away for a night, never mind a weekend to a childless friend.

I have the money but am i prepared to spend it on this when our family holiday budget is only about twice this?

And if i am going to paris for the weekend, surely my poor dh should come first. we get bugger all timetogetther and the cracks are showing at the mo tbh.

I am feeling a real children/ no children divide with my friends at the mo and theri s no way for them to see my point of view( short of givign birth) I can see theirs tho...

OP posts:

Sheila · 23/02/2007 13:29

Sorry I have kids and I can't understand why you can't go, when you can afford it and have a dh...but then I am an embittered, impoverished single parent who never gets to go to anything

Daisybump · 23/02/2007 13:45

I have one DS and would jump at the chance, esp if I could afford it...what about your DH looking after the kids, you haven't mentioned that as an option...then you could let him off for a weekend with the boys when it suits. I do stuff with my girlfriends and DH goes off regularly for long weekends in the hills with his mates and that suits us down to the ground. We also make time for Dinner B & B somewhere nice two or three times a year and leave DS with his gran and granddad...Maybe I'm just lucky that the DGPs will have him...(he's even been on holiday with them and regularly stays the weekend and has done since a baby)
Mind you, I'm sure they'll not be so keen after my new LO is born and there's two to deal with!!

Caligula · 23/02/2007 13:51

Hmm, Charmkin, why don't you just tell her that you and DH are having probs at the mo and that you think it would cause extra tensions in your relationship if you upped and spent that much money on yourself, when your family is short of money?

She would probably understand that argument better than the "one year old baby can't be left" one.

KTeePee · 23/02/2007 13:57

I would love a weekend anywhere without the kids - regardless of whether dh was there or not... can you tell I can count on one hand the number of unbroken night's sleep I have had in the last three years?

Aloha · 23/02/2007 13:59

I really hate this trend towards hen weekends too. 'I want to do X so you lot have all got to cough up hundreds of pounds for my because it's all about ME!'. World has gone mad. What is wrong with a dinner or a night at a club or whatever.
But in this specific case, just say you can't go.

UnquietDad · 23/02/2007 14:00

Stag dos are just as bad. When did the stag/hen "night" become a stag/hen "weekend"? With all the attendant expense?

DW and I went to a wedding of a friend of hers who was childless at the time, and DD was only a few months old - it was 300 miles away and we were expected just to "leave" her somewhere. We just brough her. She had no place-setting. We put up with the disapproving looks. Got comments about other people who had left children at home "because some people feel they can....."

shortie1 · 23/02/2007 14:03

know its hard for childless peps to get the commitment us mums have...my best mate has just asked me to be maid of honour at her wedding in august - my little ones now 4 weeks old and said mate wants me to travel the 5 hours to her house for hen weekends...dress fittings etc - shes expecting me once a month which i totally cant afford and dont wanna keep leaving my gorgeous daughter! any advice on what to say to her? ok shes my best mate and shuld understand...but hey

Rantum · 23/02/2007 14:04

I would use the money angle to get out of it... "I am lucky if I have £300 to spend on myself in a year since I had baby. I WISH that I could afford this trip, because it is important to you, but I have discussed it with partner at length and it is not financially viable for us right now." or something. Otherwise you'll have to do the patronising thing, which the childless hate (mainly because they know that it is true!)

shortie1 · 23/02/2007 14:07

think its gonna have to be the money angle...feel so mean tho!! oh i'm new to this so can some1 tell me what all th DS..DD things are all about.....been trying to work it out - prob bein really thick tho and its something totally obv..!

Rantum · 23/02/2007 14:09

DD = darling daughter
DS = darling son
DC = " child

you get the picture - look them up under the acronym list. Good luck with your friend

shortie1 · 23/02/2007 14:10

oh..now feel so thick...! thanks tho!

mmk · 23/02/2007 14:41

shortie1- I feel for you, what a dreadful thing. I'd be honest with her, tell her how much you desperately want to do it, but you just can't. Tell her how sad you feel.

She just might understand.

I too dislike all the wedding hype. I do wedding flowers for a hobby, and am constantly staggered by the stupid, expensive ideas suggested in bridal magasines. (it fills the pages, but gets people thinking they need to do all this stuff).
The average spending on a wedding now is around £10-15000. Ours was a tiny fraction of that, and the best of my life. I've seen girls spend £1800 on a dress!

FourJays · 23/02/2007 14:46

Realise you feel guilty.
Would your DH feel guilty and not go on a stag do for same reasons?

sazzybee · 23/02/2007 14:47

shorty - I'd tell her as soon as you can and just be really honest. She's probably so wrapped up in everything that she's totally forgotten that travelling long distances with a young baby on a regular basis isn't possible.
My friend recently invited me for the weekend - totally forgetting that at 37 weeks pregnant, I really don't fancy driving 2 1/2 hours on my own to visit. When I pointed that out, she realised why that wasn't a great idea and came to see me instead.

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