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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ruin husband's birthday meal?

97 replies

Coastalcommand · 15/01/2017 13:01

We were due to go out today for DH birthday with good friends we don't see very often.
He's had a cold but is recovering. Last night our 5 week old seemed to be coming down with it, so I told DH I was worried about taking her out.
He cancelled his lunch and now she seems to be looking better.
He's stomping around, clearly upset. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

CantReach · 16/01/2017 21:19

I took my ill 1 year old on a 4 hour train journey and she was miserable. If it had been the way there I wouldn't have gone, but she got ill while we were staying with family for the weekend.

She cried the whole time because she had a bad cold - sinus pain, headache, couldn't breathe easily, sore throat - I don't know because she can't explain, but that's what I had when I got it. At least I could give her a hug, in a car seat she would have had a horrible time.

And if you bring an upset baby to a restaurant you don't make any friends.

CantReach · 16/01/2017 21:21

If you'd said WIBU to take my ill baby to DH's meal I reckon loads of people would have said why ruin his meal with his friends, and potentially annoy everyone else in the restaurant, just so you could be there. It was his birthday let him go and have fun.

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 16/01/2017 21:24

What has 5 weeks old got to do with it? As far as I know you're allowed to go wherever you like after you leave the hospital.

Yep, but it's perfectly reasonable not to want to take a 5-week old (sick or not) 2 hours to lunch and then 2 hours back. She didn't try to stop OH going, so I don't know where this "she-who-must-be-obeyed" thing comes from. Sounds like you have a big chip on your shoulder about something.

pictish · 16/01/2017 21:26

Having said that, he could have just gone on his own. He fucked his own day up really, so not sure why he's pissed off now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/01/2017 21:41

When DS was 5 weeks old what seemed to be a mild cold ended up being RSV and within 4 hours he was in hospital on oxygen. Saying that a cold is nothing is bloody stupid and unkind, especially in such a small baby.

I have 6 kids and with all of them the first few weeks were a slog of getting used to a newborn. No one is an expert no matter how many they have and a first born is the toughest of all. Give the OP a break FFS!

emmskie03 · 16/01/2017 21:49

You are perfectly reasonable not to want to take a 5 week old that is looking a bit peaky out in my opinion.

DH needs to get over himself, he had the option to go, you werent doing it to be awkward but because you were concerned for your baby.

5 weeks old is still teeny and I would want to drag an older baby all that way either if I thought they were coming down with something. The thought of having to strap a poorly baby into a car seat for that long when all they want is cuddles!

pictish · 16/01/2017 22:01

Yes...I do. The steadfast, yet quite unlike anything you get in real life attitude on mn, that new mums get the last word on anything and everything no-matter-what is tedious.

I'll admit that I'm much less chippy about the OP than the predictable outpouring of new mum exaltation. The truth is, sometimes banning your in laws from meeting your baby for a week, even though your own parents have been welcomed (for example) and refusing to put yourself out a bit for your partner's sake, even though you suspect your baby has a cold, is being unreasonable.

I had three babies and would have gone to that lunch under the same circumstances for my husband's sake. I'd have muddled through because it was his birthday and because it was only a cold...just as he has sometimes put himself out for me. The cold didn't come to anything anyway. It was a suspected cold. It's not the end of the world but the day was spoiled.

Having a baby is huge...probably even the biggest thing there is, but perspective on here would be good.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/01/2017 22:17

I understand your chippiness to a point Pict, I think that some people forget that family includes both sides.

However, the OP is a first timer, she didnt know that it would come to nothing and dealing with your first ever case if sickness (as she thought it would be) in a 5 week old can be daunting. The not knowing what to do for the best and coming down on the side of "stay at home just in case" is not altogether unreasonable. Its easy to say "But it was nothing" now, after the event but at the time the OP didnt know it would turn out to be nothing.

And lets not forget that it was his hissy fit that ruined the day far more than her suggestion that she stay behind with the baby. He could have gone, he could have had the lunch and seen his friends, but he chose not to and is then taking it out on her with a fit of sulks.

CantReach · 16/01/2017 22:18

Odfering to stay at home with a poorly baby so he could go it and have a nice lunch with friends without any of the stress of looking after a poorly baby for a few hours is putting herself out for him. At 5 weeks one of you is always holding the baby anyway, so can't really enjoy the meal the way you can when it's hot and you have 2 free hands. Even if the baby was on fine form it's still not massively fun at a restaurant with them at that age is it?

WankingMonkey · 16/01/2017 22:26

My daughter from birth til she was about 2 years old..everytime she got a cold, it turned into bronchiolitus. We had to take her to hospital each time for oxygen and steroids. It was terrifying as she went from seeming a bit peaky to struggling to breath and obviously very ill within seconds.

So no, a cold is not always 'nothing' and its better to be safe

pictish · 16/01/2017 22:27

Pyong I agree with your last paragraph. He could have gone. It's his own fault he didn't. Not fair or accurate to hold the OP responsible for that.

Buffythebabywearer · 17/01/2017 13:56

Putting a newborn baby with an apparently compromised airway in a car seat for far longer than the recommended time would have been putting him ahead of the baby's health, not putting herself out for him.

Reebs123 · 17/01/2017 18:36

YANBU. Babies come first especially a 5wk old. I think they're Too young at that age despite what others say.

pictish · 17/01/2017 18:52

If you say so.

haveacupoftea · 17/01/2017 19:37

Pictish, its his birthday FFS, who gives a fuck if he didnt get to see his friends? Boo bloody hoo. He isnt 6 years old.

pictish · 17/01/2017 21:17

Isn't your husband the lucky one?

pictish · 17/01/2017 22:08

Sorry...I didn't mean that to sound so personal. I don't know you.
I'm not sorry to think that what you said seems callous and dismissive though. I'd be really sad if my dh took that attitude to me.
I love my husband and I give a fuck if he doesn't get to see his friends at a prearranged and anticipated occasion. I had a have-baby-will-travel attitude and I wouldn't have cancelled over a maybe cold.
What's more, I doubt most of the rest of you would have either.

Where's the 'only on mumsnet' emoji?

BabySnores · 18/01/2017 10:05

Yanbu. If it was a local lunch them I'd have taken the baby but one over two hours drive away? No way. Not when baby has a cold and you'll need to keep stopping.

He ruined his own day. He could have gone himself.

Trifleorbust · 18/01/2017 10:13

My 5 week old is on the sofa with me right now. Would I shite be taking her on a 4 hour round trip so my DH could have a birthday meal with friends, especially if she was ill. She wouldn't feel any better for it and I certainly wouldn't. YANBU.

FartnissEverbeans · 18/01/2017 10:42

I have a three month old and there's no way I would have been going out if he was five weeks old and sick. I don't care if that's unreasonable!

It's a shame your DH missed out but he needs to stop being so childish. These things are going to happen.

welovepancakes · 18/01/2017 11:05

With a 5 week old baby, I think it's fair enough to play it cautious. Your DH could have gone on his own. He chose not to. Hope he's not still sulking about it now. Life's too short

PS Why are YOU re-arranging HIS birthday meal? He should be doing that himself

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 18/01/2017 14:18

I wouls not have taken a 5 week old on a journey that was 2 hours minimum one way (remember, the two hours is pre-DC, it might take longer now) when that child has a maybe cold. Colds compromise the airways anyway, and on top of being in a car seat for an extended period, not something I'd do.

A local lunch, fine, but not with the journey as well.

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