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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ruin husband's birthday meal?

97 replies

Coastalcommand · 15/01/2017 13:01

We were due to go out today for DH birthday with good friends we don't see very often.
He's had a cold but is recovering. Last night our 5 week old seemed to be coming down with it, so I told DH I was worried about taking her out.
He cancelled his lunch and now she seems to be looking better.
He's stomping around, clearly upset. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2017 13:59

You didn't ruin it, he chose to cancel because you said you'd rather stay at home than take potentially unwell 5 week old baby on a 2hr journey in a cold car. I think YWNBU, but he has been a bit.

He needs to realise that he is not first priority any more.

Birdsgottafly · 15/01/2017 14:02

As said, the car journey made a difference.

It the baby was snuffly, then sitting in a Car seat wouldn't have been great for him/her and might have made a difference to him/her becoming chesty/more unwell.

Your DH has got the possibility of plans changing last minute, for another two years.

saoirse31 · 15/01/2017 14:05

Would have thought ur 5 wk old baby trumps ur husbands birthday every time tbh.

RJnomore1 · 15/01/2017 14:08

Yanbu for not wanting to take a potentially poorly tiny baby out for 8 hours. I wouldn't have with my first - I may have felt a bit braver with my second.

He is nbu to be disappointed.

He quite possibly could still have been ill himself anyway, it's just bad (good!) luck he's feeling well enough to strop a bit.

Takeaway and reschedule sounds sensible

Peregrane · 15/01/2017 14:08

Going against the grain, YNBU. You did not ask him to cancel his lunch - you were just reluctant to take the baby along, who would presumably not have been an essential aspect of the event.

A five week old still has a weak immune system and you can't even give them much medication as their bodies can't yet take it - even OTC paracetamol is only supposed to be given from two months onwards! And if the baby was already poorly, picking up whatever germs are floating around in public places like restaurants would really not have been helpful. Tell OH to grow up.

Pineappletastic · 15/01/2017 14:11

I thought YWBU at first, but for a 4 hour round trip for lunch YANBU. I did it with my five week old, but only to visit an elderly relative who couldn't travel. Can they not come to you or meet half way?

NavyandWhite · 15/01/2017 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cx5221 · 15/01/2017 14:14

YWNBU

You genuinely thought the baby was poorly and offered to stay behind so he could still go and enjoy himself and he refused.

He cancelled his party not you! Tell him to grow up.

RupertsMum2 · 15/01/2017 14:17

The four hours sitting in a car seat would not be good for a five week old baby who may be coming down with a cold. I can understand why your dh is upset but the baby comes first. I'm sure you can still have a great day.

Mol1628 · 15/01/2017 14:18

I wouldn't want to do that much driving with a 5 week old and wouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. But cancelling because she had a bit of a cold is a bit silly if you were otherwise happy to go.

JohnCheese · 15/01/2017 14:26

YWNBU

Agree with pp who said you've a 5 week old baby, you're allowed be as unreasonable as you want to. You're still getting to know your baby, and vice versa. Let him have his strop, you'll make up for it. He can have a beer, a smoke, drugs, a walk, a strop over a cancelled dinner. Meanwhile your baby can do none of these things and is totally dependant on you. For everything.

Welcome to the precarious world of being a parent to a newborn.

GrandDesespoir · 15/01/2017 14:32

Remember that you, your DH, and your DC are actually separate people, and even if one is ill, others may not be. Don't let your DC dictate the entire family's movement - that is the seed from which the "help me, my kid rules the household!" grows.

I don't have children, but this seems to me like brilliant advice and just a healthy attitude not to become too insular. Hell, you mums could even catch up with your single, childless friends at the weekend from time to time! (Maybe not with a five-week-old, mind.)

EweAreHere · 15/01/2017 14:35

Tell him to grow up and get a grip.

It was a couple of hours away, which is a long drive anyways for a newborn. You said you were worried; you didn't tell him to cancel it, he did that all by himself. You suggested he go by himself; he refused.

Your lives have changed. Sometimes things aren't going to go the way grown ups want them to.

nocoolnamesleft · 15/01/2017 14:36

Ah, yes, are we being brutal? Okay, to be brutally honest, YANBU. You have a 5 week old baby, so you're still on a steep learning curve. They had a cold last night - it could have got worse, their feeding could have got worse, it could have affected their chest...hopefully not, but could happen. Any of those are harder to deal with if hours away from home. And if your baby got worse after spending all that time in a car seat (which aren't great for breathing in small babies) they you would have been beating yourself up far worse than this.

It sometimes feels as though the natural state of parents is to be feeling guilty about something, at any given time. However, this doesn't merit it. You're doing your best.

happypoobum · 15/01/2017 14:42

YANBU

He had the option to go without you and he chose not to go.

He sounds rather immature.

Brytte · 15/01/2017 14:56

Regardless of the baby having a cold, a round trip of 4 hours just for a lunch with friends seems like too much. Newborns ought not to be in car seats for too long.

EweAreHere · 15/01/2017 16:53

The guidelines on newborns, young babies in car seats suggests you should should have been stopping numerous time during journey. 2 hours each way would have been considerably longer if you follow the guidelines.

www.nhs.uk/news/2016/10October/Pages/Warning-over-babies-sleeping-in-car-seats.aspx

BakeOffBiscuits · 15/01/2017 17:04

Confused why didn't the friends drive all that way and come and see you?!

I think there's too much pressure on new parents nowadays. People would think you were mad to contemplate a journey like that, 25 years ago when I had dd.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2017 17:19

"Lunch was in his hometown, a couple of hours drive, so we'd have had to leave by 10.30."
What? You gave birth 5 weeks ago, and he wanted you to do a round trip of 4 hours plus in a car - for a fucking LUNCH?? I don't give a fig that it was for his birthday, that's just stupid.

"He's stomping around, clearly upset. Was I unreasonable?"
Actually, the only unreasonableness you have exhibited is agreeing to this trip in the first place. He, on the other hand, is an unreasonable tantrumming fuckwit.

haveacupoftea · 15/01/2017 17:26

Oh FFS he needs to grow up, I can't stand anyone over the age of 12 making a big fuss over a fucking birthday unless its one of the big ones - 16,18,21,30 etc. Leave him to his huffing.

EveOnline2016 · 15/01/2017 17:30

If they was my friends with a 5 week old and the father's birthday I would have gone to them.

I was too tired to drive 5 weeks, with sleep deprivation. So DH wouldn't have been able to have a few drinks for his birthday.

Plus 2 hours in a car for a baby is not recommended.

PatriciaHolm · 15/01/2017 17:59

Was there any particular reason you were going to them rather than vice versa?

I'll admit, we took DD to Paris at 6 weeks so I tend to be a bit "it'll be fine!" about this kind of thing, but 4 hours in a car with a sniffy baby to see people who could easily come to you - sounds a bit unecessary.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/01/2017 18:06

You have a 5 week old baby?

Why weren't DH's friends coming to visit you instead? Or at least meeting you at a nice restaurant half way.

I'm not sure I'd have agreed to the 4 hour round trip with a newborn in the first place, sorry. Not just for lunch!

Was it a "special" birthday? I'm sure he'll have another one next January....

WankingMonkey · 15/01/2017 18:35

4 hour round trip just for lunch sounds unreasonable in itself.

OK, I was the same as you with my first, I wouldn't leave the house with DD at the hint of a sniffle. My doc tor actually told me in a lot of cases its best to get fresh air to minor illnesses. So it was a bit OTT canceling for that but not taking into account the ridiculous travel journey. Plus..you have a few weeks old baby. So you are instantly forgiven anyway for any implied wrongdoingGrin

Your partner sounds very childish. He could have gone himself and huffing about now is pointless and will achieve nothing except making you feel worse. He needs to STFU and grow up.

Aderyn2016 · 15/01/2017 18:44

I think he should get a grip. There is no excuse for stomping around the house like a toddler. He is a parent now - the world no longer revolves around him. If he was mine I'd tell him to grow the fuck up. Yes, it's disappointing to have to cancel but it isn't the end of the world.

Don't get into the habit of taking responsibility/blame for when the kids get ill or other circumstance where they need to come first. A lot of women get into a situation where it becomes their fault somehow, which enables the man to continue behaving like a child. You have nothing to make up for - you did what was best for your newborn, which is not to be out all day when you thought they were poorly.