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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ruin husband's birthday meal?

97 replies

Coastalcommand · 15/01/2017 13:01

We were due to go out today for DH birthday with good friends we don't see very often.
He's had a cold but is recovering. Last night our 5 week old seemed to be coming down with it, so I told DH I was worried about taking her out.
He cancelled his lunch and now she seems to be looking better.
He's stomping around, clearly upset. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 15/01/2017 19:25

Another YANBU here, for the same reasons as others.

5 weeks old, poorly, or potentially so, on a long journey (and yes, given the guidelines on babies in car seats, you would need to stop often making the journey longer than 2 hours)

I really don't get why they didn't come to you. I think your baby's needs outweigh your DH's birthday here.

Original poster

Coastalcommand · 15/01/2017 22:42

Thank you :)
I'll see if we can rearrange with them coming to us. We've been to the same place each year for years so I think DH planned without thinking.
Thanks for your comments. So tired I've lost all sense. This board keeps me going on the long night feeds though.

OP posts:

AnnabelC · 16/01/2017 18:08

Don't be too hard on yourself or your DH. You are both getting used to the restrictions of a newborn and the responsibilities. Rearrange. Could someone babysit. Or they come to you. It's a long journey for a lunch. Meet half way. ?

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 16/01/2017 18:46

I wouldn't have gone all that way with a 5 week old even if they were totally fine and healthy! I would happily have let OH go without us though, and if he refused and then moaned, I'd tell him to STFU to be honest

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/01/2017 18:48

Sounds like someone needs a chat about the reality of having children including the inadvisability of arranging a lunch date 2.5 hours away when you have a newborn, and behaving like a stroppy toddler when things dont work out.

Seriously, you do need to talk to him about this.

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2017 18:49

I think this might be the start of a steep learning experience, driving two hours for a leisurely lunch before kids - fine (although does limit a drink with lunch), driving two hours for a leisurely lunch with children not a good idea! If both of you learn and realise that things that were easy before the baby need more careful thought out and planning - and if his sulk ended soon then just chalk it up to experience!

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/01/2017 18:49

Oh and being offered the opportunity to go alone but cancelling in a strop means that its all on him. He chose to cancel, no one made him....remember that if he kicks off about it.

Atenco · 16/01/2017 19:08

Just wanted to say, I think of myself as laid back as they come, but I panicked when my small baby had a cold. Glad yours is better.

SherbrookeFosterer · 16/01/2017 19:23

You have been a mother for five weeks - don't be so hard on yourself!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 16/01/2017 19:36

Five week olds can get seriously ill extremely quickly, and get better just as quickly (as you have seen). I wouldn't have wanted to go two hours from home with one that could have had anything from a cold to a really nasty virus.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 16/01/2017 19:37

Well he took that decision too.
Stopping around the house means that he putting all the responsibility of child decision onto yu, as if he couldn't possibly have a say.
You stated your POV and proposed to stay at home and he went to his B'day meal.
He clearly agreed with you and decided to stay in.

Regardless on whether staying at home as over the top or not, it was HIS decision too and he took that responsibility too to put his child wellbeing before his.

I would have a word about that TBH.

Yes reorganising will be nice, cooking him a meal of whatever. But NOT because you somehow have done a mistake. Just because it's his b'dau and it's a nice thing to do.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 16/01/2017 19:39

And tbtw, you NEVER 'ruined' his b'day
He decided to stay in. This was his choice.
Please don't take this responsibility and feel that somehow it's youR role to keep him happy.

LubiLooLoo · 16/01/2017 19:43

I wasn't even at the point of leaving the house for more than an hour or so when my DS was 5 weeks old. I think people forget how long it takes to be confident and comfortable with a baby put and about especially if the baby's ill!

And your husband being grumpy at a lack of a birthday meal... what is he 10? Hahaha.

Re-arrange the meal soon, and know that baby comes first for a bit, I'm sure you wouldn't be sulking if you postponed your birthday dinner for similar reasons x

bitteroulbag · 16/01/2017 19:47

YANBUAA!! I schlepped DD from pillar to post from birth thinking I was a cool expert after DS 3 years earlier & at exactly 5 weeks she ended up in hospital for a week with bronchiolitis. You were quite right to trust your instincts. Wish I'd had the wit. She's a healthy 16 yr old now but I still cringe when I think of it...

SweetPeaPods · 16/01/2017 19:49

Don't be too hard on yourself.
A birthday bj will sort him out

user1471446433 · 16/01/2017 19:58

YANBU I wouldn't have a 5 week old in a car for 4 hours actually personally I wouldn't do it at 5 months either (& with my car hating screaming kids not even at 15 months but that's another story).

Your DH needs to grow up a bit & accept he is now in second place (maximum) forever!

ManOfKent · 16/01/2017 20:08

I would have thought a 5 week old baby would always be the priority for both mother AND father - and if it's your first baby then DEFINITELY!
What does it matter if your husband's a grumpy git, he'll have plenty more Birthdays You did the right thing in my book.

Princesspinkgirl · 16/01/2017 20:15

At 5 weeks you should have gone out a little cold is normal and nothing to fuss about

MissNosey · 16/01/2017 20:18

FFS - DH stomping around because he didn't have the birthday party he wanted... how many babies have you got in your house? Sounds like a case of manflu.

mummylove2monsters · 16/01/2017 20:23

YANBU- who wants to take a 5 week old who's under the weather for a meal ? I'd much rather hunker down at home - he's a grown up - reschedule xxxx congratulations on your new baby xxxx

justatoe1 · 16/01/2017 20:32

I think he needs to get used to it: taking any age child on a 2 hour journey and expecting them to sit for a meal afterwards is ambitious! May be fine, may be a total bloody disaster.

pictish · 16/01/2017 20:38

I think ywbu. It's a birthday lunch with friends he doesn't get to see often versus a mild bloody cold you thought she 'seemed' to be coming down but wasn't.
I'd be very pissed off with you.

"Oh you've got a 5 week old you can be as unreasonable as you like imo"

Disagree. I don't understand this bullshit on mn whereby having a new baby elevates mothers to she-who-must-be-obeyed status. Get over yourselves.
She fucked his day up needlessly. Even if baby did have a cold (which she didn't), what difference would staying in have made?
Ridiculous.

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 16/01/2017 21:05

wtf pictish?? The baby is 5 weeks old!! And she told him to go on his own if he wanted but he refused!

CantReach · 16/01/2017 21:10

Colds aren't just nothing, though. At the very least a 5 week old would want to feed and be held constantly. 2 hours on a train with a sleeping baby is maybe doable, but 2 hours where you can't pick them up and feed? It would be misery. Followed by feeding and settling them throughout lunch, then getting back in the car for a repeat.

If you've been up all night feeding for 5 weeks that's reason enough to not drive if you're not feeling up to it. At 5 weeks breastfeeding was still painful, if a hungry coldly baby had ordered enough milk to feed the army it would have been awful.

You said you were fine to stay at home and look after a sick baby by yourself so he could go for lunch - that was lovely. A long day of not being able to put a baby down isn't much fun but you didn't ask him to miss his lunch. He could have gone alone and organised something for you all another time - had 2 celebrations instead of being stroppy and making everyone unhappy.

pictish · 16/01/2017 21:12

What has 5 weeks old got to do with it? As far as I know you're allowed to go wherever you like after you leave the hospital.

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