To think fathers and identity aren't that important

[AtSea1979]

Currently involved in a harrowing custody battle. Can't go in to details as ongoing court case but one thing that I'm constantly told, that seems to run through SW and judge veins, is that child absolutely must have a relationship with their father no matter how rubbish and anusive they are because it's important to their identity and MH.
What are your views? Did you grow up without a dad? Did it effect your sense of identity? Are their mums here raising their DC alone who are all going to have MH issues?
I can't help but think my DC will have MH issues if they are forced to see their abusive, crap father.

I think identity of a child and knowing where they come from is important. But that's not the issue here.

When in court I stated that I would not stop contact, for better or worse twatface would always be their father and they would always know this. And as autonomous adults they could make their choice and I would not stop them or be upset about their choices.

It took me years and a lot of money and a very very very good barrister in front of a judge who specialised in domestic violence to finally stop direct contact.

I also had doctors letter and teachers letters and domestic violence prevention supervisors and CAFCASS voicing concerns for me and my DC and providing witness statements in person and thro letters. Which supported my DC.

Also I didn't get emotional or angry at the judge. I stated my fears for my DC using evidence and teachers letters etc.

It was the most horrendous five years of my life but seeing my DC now flourishing and happy compared to the terrified and emotionally unstable little shadows they were it was worth the fight.

I hope ex burns in the hottest part of hell after living a really hard and terrible life, fopr everything he put my very young DC thro.

We need courts that specialise in domestic violence. One of the first judges I had, actually stated that the domestic violence should not be counted when deciding on child contact!

Unfortunately I have no evidence. School messed up and were inconsistent. CAFCASS believe father over DC. So no one cares what DC or me what just that DC must see father no matter what.

Identify is a personal thing. I grew up without my father and I'm guessing life would have been more difficult if he were around because he couldn't be arsed. DD desperately misses her Dad and would see him in a heartbeat if he were around, despite him not giving a toss.

The general consensus appears to be contact being preferable if the NRP wants it. DD's Dad was all talk and no action and when I decided to stop picking up his slack and demanded a consistent parenting schedule (which he didn't want), I was accused of being demanding and obstructive by the contact centre. Fortunately for me, I knew a court could never force me to be a doormat to accommodate his lack of effort and despite their efforts to 'get a result', the contact centre couldn't either.

As I said above, identity is a personal thing and when parenting DD I do have to remember that despite our father's being very similar, we are seperate individuals. For DD, not having her father in her life does cause her pain, a pain I can't fully relate to because I never felt a connection with my father.

When DD's father made it official that he wanted to terminate contact the psychologists involved made a big deal about me (apparently it was my responsibility) keeping DD's father whole (which basically meant don't shatter any illusions). I wouldn't bad mouth DD's Dad to her because I don't think it is in her best interests but I wasn't prepared to lie. When she asks me if her Dad loves her I say I don't know but everyone whose had the good fortune to know her, loves her, which says a great deal about how fantastic she is. When she asks why she doesn't have contact with him, I don't lie (his can't be arseness is well documented) and I say that he made the decision to terminate contact and even though neither she or me agrees with his decision, we have no choice but to respect it.

Contact or lack thereof for some strange reason is seen as the responsibility of the RP and if the NRP 'says' they want contact.

I don't know your case but I would definitely make sure that your daughter has an independent professional to talk to, so that her voice is being heard without that person being accused of bias. As frustrating as it is, you're playing the long game.

Thanks. There has a counsellor and school are more helpful now.

I don't not know my biological father. He left my mum because she was pregnant. I have never had any interest in him or felt I needed to know him.

My dm grew up with an entirely absent father - he left when she was about 3 and she never saw him. She was raised in a very very close extended family which was almost 100% female, as was her younger brother.

She is a wonderful mum, has been married to my dad for almost 50 years pretty much very happily as far as I can tell, achieved in her career and socially. She formed an incredibly close relationship to my grandfather once she met my dad at 18 as well as to my dads brothers as well as her own.

Not sure what I'm trying to say other than loving support in her case was certainly preferable to the emotionally distant relationship she'd had had had he stayed (turns out she has a bunch of half siblings from his other marriages whom he'd either left or ignored).