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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fathers and identity aren't that important

81 replies

AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 20:53

Currently involved in a harrowing custody battle. Can't go in to details as ongoing court case but one thing that I'm constantly told, that seems to run through SW and judge veins, is that child absolutely must have a relationship with their father no matter how rubbish and anusive they are because it's important to their identity and MH.
What are your views? Did you grow up without a dad? Did it effect your sense of identity? Are their mums here raising their DC alone who are all going to have MH issues?
I can't help but think my DC will have MH issues if they are forced to see their abusive, crap father.

OP posts:
SparkleShinyGlitter · 14/01/2017 21:43

I think in an ideal world a child absouletly should have a relationship with both parents as I don't think either parent has a right to the child more than the other.

As I say though that would be in a ideal world but the world isn't ideal there are fathers and of course mothers that do cause emotional or physical harm to there children and I think that is something you can not come back from easily and the "bad" parent shouldn't be allowed near the child unless they get themselves some help and even then the courts should tread carefully

skankingpiglet · 14/01/2017 21:46

My DM (otherwise a lady with very sound decision-making skills) made sure I had contact with my F for similar reasons being spouted at you OP. He's emotionally abusive, and has been physically abusive in the past. He's an alcoholic who uses emotional blackmail and gaslighting freely. I'm still in contact with him now as I feel guilt for leaving him without family (both him and I are only children, he has no other family living), but he drops in and out of my life as and when he needs something. Life is noticeably better when he's in a period of no contact to be honest, even though I am now able to recognise and (kind of, as best I can) manage his behaviour. I have no way of knowing if not knowing him would have caused me MH issues, but knowing him certainly has.

My view is a father figure is not something worth any cost, and (I feel guilty again saying this) I wish my DM had made the decision to cut contact when I was still a baby.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/01/2017 21:46

Atsea.

Does the social worker acknowledge the abuse?

ClaryIsTheBest · 14/01/2017 21:48

I can only second the martial arts advice.

I teach a self-defense class for young girls. And it's amazing how the learn to scream, kick and just be really self-confident.

We let them smash a wooden plan at the end of the course amd it's amazing how it seems to really make them grow a few inches. They seem to realise that they are strong and that they can do thing a that have an actual impact.

And some of the talks I had with parents (very often with single mothers...).

And they also learn a bit about their rights. That yes, kicking is wrong. But not always.

Nomoreworkathome · 14/01/2017 21:48

My two had no dad growing up and they are fine. Kids don't need two parents. They just need love and security. That can come from one parent and extended family.

MummyToThree479 · 14/01/2017 21:49

I think when a child is born neither parent has more rights to that child and a relationship from both parents should be offered. But when one of those parents do things wrong I think they kind of give up there right to call themselves a parent and should piss off tbh

My Mum was emotionally abusive to me so when I was 8 Dad left and he took me with him and he had a hell of a fight keeping me and having her stay away the courts appeared to think cos she was the Mother I needed her but my mother was a nasty piece of work! Once I got to 11 I refused to go on the 4x monthly supervised day access and eventually the courts took my option in to account.
I am now 48 and I'm happy to say I've not seen my "mother" in 37 years, I am just glad my father done all he could to protect me

user1484317265 · 14/01/2017 21:49

In your particular situation you are probably right, but I take issue with your title. Fathers are extremely important, and so is identity. Don't dismiss good fathers because your children don't have one. I didn't have a good one either and mostly grew up without, but that doesn't mean I underestimate the importance of my childrens wonderful father.

Lweji · 14/01/2017 21:49

This is my experience: don't be against a relationship per se, but don't encourage it.

If you're seen as blocking the relationship, then it comes across as parental alienation.

But I'm be damned if I had to take my children to an abusive father.

What I did with ds was to insist on supervised contact.

Eventually, and recently, DS has chosen to stop contact with his dad.
Because it was upsetting to him.
He's still a happy boy, reliable and confident enough. He's shy and quiet, but it hasn't prevented him from being quite independent and knowing his mind.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 14/01/2017 21:49

I've got no idea who my father is and it's never bothered me at all.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 21:56

sockamnesty the SW does not acknowledge the abuse and is threatening care order on me if I don't find a way to persuade DC that abuse hasn't happened and must be mistaken and to go with father

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 21:57

user I'm not dismissing good fathers just wondering why SS etc spout this text book stuff no matter what the circumstance.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/01/2017 21:58

Have they been assessed by a MH professional?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 21:59

Lweji that's exactly what I stand accused of. But it simply isn't true. I've never blocked. They just believe fathers lies Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 22:00

X post. Yes it was psychologist that caused the most damage. She believed father and didn't bother listening to anything else and wrote a damning report.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/01/2017 22:05

I know family courts in the UK can be tricky.
Do you have a solicitor? What do they say?
Worst case, agree to what the court says and then limit contact as much as possible?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 22:08

I have a solicitor now but it feels like too little too late, the damage is done.
I just don't get this need for two parents no matter what mantra and this thing about identity Confused what does that even mean?

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 14/01/2017 22:14

Every child has the right to know it's parents and in an ideal situation would have a relationship with both parents. If either parent is abusive in any way then the courts should have that parent seek help before access is even considered.

My cousin had full custody of his ds (12) as the mother is quite honestly would huge absuive mess. When he left the realtionship he took his ds with him and rightly so! But the courts order every other weekend Saturday access to the mother but the child hates going as he says his mum just ignore him/never asks what he wants to do/ says horrible things about his dad / cooks meat ( the child is veggie and has been for 2 years) I'm sure she only sees the child to get one over on my cousin- what sick mind using a child as a play piece?

OneWithTheForce · 14/01/2017 22:23

Thanks atsea, I know that we are extremely lucky to have the best social worker in the world who absolutely believes my DC and has their back. I know without that my DC would still be at his mercy. I really do feel for you that you don't have the same support. I am so sorry.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 22:23

pink the problem is when it's prodominantly emotional and toxic, all the help and jumping through hoops won't help my DC but no one gets that.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 22:25

TheForce thank you. I get a new SW in the next week or two. I just hope she/he don't just read fathers tripe and makes their mind up without giving DC a chance.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/01/2017 22:29

What is your feel for the judge?

OneWithTheForce · 14/01/2017 22:30

I really hope so too.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/01/2017 22:31

He seems reasonable but I got emotional when they threatened care and he didn't have time for that and shut me down so I never got chance to make my point. So it's all one sided, from father.

OP posts:
parklives · 14/01/2017 22:34

I would love to have never had my father in my life, but I guess I would have felt robbed as I would have built a fantasy dad idea of what I wanted him to be like...

bellasuewow · 14/01/2017 22:47

Yabu they have a massive effect both good and bad dads