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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it normal to not know much about the family's financial situation as a whole?

98 replies

scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 16:58

So there's a mortgage and an overdraft - I am not sure how big they are but I have an idea. There's H's credit card bill (connected to his business) which he does sometimes tell me about, but not for a long time so I don't know how big that is. He is also paying off a capital gains tax bill and I am not sure how much he has left - though he has also told me about this in the past.

Other than that, I don't know. I think he may have some shares but I only suspect them rather than know for sure. He has a small annuity.

There could be loads more stuff, either negative or positive, that I don't know about.

I have my own account which H is not party to but it's small fry. He could be independent without me but the reverse is not true.

So my question is, is it in any way normal to only have an inkling about the finances but in reality not know - partly because you never see the paperwork, and partly because your H doesn't tell you?

I mainly pay for good and anything related to the dc - though have also paid for furnitire and holidays when I have been flusher.

H pays for the mortgage (only his name on that and on the deeds naturally) and all bills.

We have been together for 21 years and married for 15, and have dc. Just to set the scene.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 18:05

Just on the train. Will answer questions in a bit. Thanks for the messages Flowers.

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 14/01/2017 18:05

Some very wrong information on this thread.

You are NOT liable for the personal debts of your spouse.
You are only liable for your share of joint debts.

If the OP's husband trades through a company, she can look up the accounts, shareholdings and any charges on the company at Companies House.

If he is a sole trader, she is probably safer not having her name on the deeds of a house that could be taken for business debts.

Miserylovescompany2 · 14/01/2017 18:06

So basically you are married to a person who keeps you in the dark. Some might say dependant on him.

I would be getting some legal advice. Find out where you stand. The difficulty is, how much is he hiding? I guess the only way is by playing detective. When you have to (or are forced to) your marriage is already down the pan...

Is he emotionally closed also? Do you connect at all...on any level??

user1476869312 · 14/01/2017 18:10

This man is stitching you up financially. He may not be about to leave you, but he likes to feel that, if he gets bored with you, or you become disobedient or start looking too 'old' or 'unattractive' he could move on to a younger woman and retain control over all 'his' money.
He's not vague, clueless or 'just doesn't think about it': this behaviour is deiberate and calcuated. Or he would have given you information as soon as you asked, and made sure your name was on the mortgage as well.

BeachyKeen · 14/01/2017 18:11

Dh and I share all finances and financial information. Any purchase over about 100 bucks, we check with each other. All money is shared money.
Once a week, we sit down and go through all money stuff, double checking loan balances, card statements etc.
That is what works for us, everybody needs to find their own 'what works'.
Clearly what you are doing isn't working for you. It sounds like it is one of a number of things not working, and I'm sorry your going through it.
Flowers

228agreenend · 14/01/2017 18:11

My dh hasn't really got a clue about our expenses either. I tend to deal,with sorting out what electricity/gas supplier we use, paying bills, sorting out car insurance etc. I think it's usual for one partner to have more control than the other, and I mean 'control' to mean organising finances etc.

However, I don't withhold information and dh has access to all the bank statements etc.

OVienna · 14/01/2017 18:16

If you kniw where all the properties are do a land reg seach immediately and check ownership.

TinselTwins · 14/01/2017 18:21

OP it's not okay (you know that) but I think it is much more "normal" / common than it should be. This happens in a lot of couples I'm friends with or related to:

Either one partner "plays dumb" so they don't have to have any of the bother or the stress of remembering or sorting anything financial and put the whole burden on the other partner
Or one partner is deliberately keeping a tight control of the finances for selfish reasons or to hide problems/addictions.

It's never good practice, but also I want you to know that although everyone on the internet will tell you how not okay it is, you're actually not at all alone in this situation, I think it may go on one way or another behind more doors than it doesn't x

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/01/2017 18:23

Yes this would be a deal breaker for me.

I do think there is a way to change the financial setup. But not without divorce.

He bought a shop without telling you and lied to you about it. That strikes me as a no hope situation.

You need a solicitor.

You need to get into that shop and get copies of as many documents as possible.

Looking up a company on the companies house website is free and it is easy. You might want to have a look for other companies he is a director of, or that are registered at your address or the shop address. A person can run multiple companies.

ToastieRoastie · 14/01/2017 18:24

If you are seperating, consult a lawyer about getting your interest in the properties registered. Otherwise he could sell them - it's much. harder to prove that he's deprived himself of assets purposefully than to get the charge put on so he can't sell them in the first place.

Slimmingsnake · 14/01/2017 18:36

Get yr name on the mortgage

SusieOwl4 · 14/01/2017 18:37

As some of the posters said it is not uncommon for one person to deal with the finances , however hiding and telling lies about finances is a different thing. My H has nothing to do with finances but if he asked I would tell him and the house and loans are in joint names .

ImperialBlether · 14/01/2017 18:37

You should be entitled to an initial appointment with a family law solicitor for perhaps an hour or half an hour for free.

Nobody's entitled to anything! Some solicitors will offer a free half hour (but never an hour) but the OP is not entitled to insist on this.

Babyroobs · 14/01/2017 18:45

We have always had separate bank accounts ( although he earns quite a bit more than me). We have no mortgage anymore but that was only paid off recently and I always knew how much we owed as it was in joint names. My dh doesn't volunteer much information on his finances but will tell me if I ask. I can usually find his bank statements too if I need to look !! I know roughly how much savings he has ( he inherited money). I have no savings. I would prefer the savings to be in a joint account just as a safety net in case anything happens to him as I would then have no access to money to pay for a funeral or anything ( morbid I know but it happens). I think in a marriage you both need to have some idea of incomings and outgoings so that you can both be involved in budgeting and have some control.

GreenTureen · 14/01/2017 18:48

I just can't imagine this at all - not normal at all in a marriage IMO op.

werekitty · 14/01/2017 18:54

If you think you may divorce then consider registering a 'matrimonal charge' against the property.

werekitty · 14/01/2017 18:58

As this means he can't sell the family home.

supersop60 · 14/01/2017 19:18

I would seriously recommend you find out about your finances. My FIL had a stroke 6 months ago and my MIL has had to deal with all the finances (care home and council as well) which came as a bit of a shock to her because FIL controlled everything for the whole of their married life - 50 yrs or so.

TalkinPeace · 14/01/2017 19:57

scaredof
there is a lot of frothing going on on this thread

I'm an accountant - I deal with people's tax situations

it is not in the least bit unusual for self employed / owner manager people to not share the gory details of their business income with their families.

If nothing else, until I've added salt, pepper and stirred, they themselves do not know what will be going through the tax return.

Selling a property and not setting aside money for CGT sounds like his last accountant was more "mate" than "advisor"
and taking time to pay it off (rather than the 10 months that are the rule) rings alarm bells

BUT
most small business owners are control freaks
you do not know his business - otherwise how can you not have known about the shop
so he does not want to share with you what he will have to explain

on the other hand, he owes it to you as his spouse
that the lifestyle he has allowed you to expect is real
so he should be happy to share tax comps with you

I have friends who have no idea how much their husbands earn - a lot is enough for them - whose marriages are concrete solid

there is no one scenario

UnimaginativeUser · 14/01/2017 19:57

As you know all his personal details, you may be able to set up a free credit check account with someone like noddle. That might give you a bit more information.

Allthewaves · 14/01/2017 20:13

dh couldn't tell you much about our finances/cards/credit - he leaves it to me as he hates it. We do talk though big stuff, and I have a file with every bill/ loan or card ect so if anything ever happened to me he got that and he can read it anytime. money management just my thing in our relationship

Mammylamb · 14/01/2017 20:20

I can't comment on anyone else's finances and what's normal. But for us both our salaries go into the one account and all bills get paid from there. We both have equal access to the account. We have a joint savings account which we can both access. I have a separate shares account. We are in no way on the breadline but with a one year old with part time nursery to pay for (and me reducing hours) we are £1000 a month worse off than we used to be. So we tend to have a quick chat before spending any significant amounts of money

BabychamSocialist · 14/01/2017 20:27

I'm in the dark with a lot of financial things but I do know who we have policies with, how much is left on our mortgage and how much we have in our pension pots, stuff like that.

I couldn't personally tell you the exact figure we pay for our house insurance every month because it fluctuates and it just goes out of the joint account, but I could tell you who it's with.

If you feel you need to know more, then ask more.

CaveMum · 14/01/2017 20:39

Not normal.

Assuming you have an iPhone or iPad, download the app Cam Scanner and you can use it to photograph any documents you can find and save them somewhere safe like a Dropbox account.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/01/2017 20:42

To answer your latest question, yes this would be a dealbreaker. The only reason not to tell you is because he is hiding something, either debts or a lot of money. Refusing to have a spouse on the mortgage or deeds would also be a dealbreaker. Sorry, but who the fuck does he think he is! You're his wife not some housekeeper who shouldn't know a single thing about how much money/debts you have as a couple.

Either he's hiding something big or he has been planning to leave you for a while. I cannot imagine another reason for not 'allowing' you on the mortgage.

DH and I don't have joint finances, it's all completely separate and neither of us have access to each others accounts. However, the house is in joint names, I know exactly what all our incomes are, more than him actually, he wouldn't know how much my benefits are although if he asked I would obviously tell him. We each pay our own bills and have the same amount of spending money left. I organise the finances and just tell him what gets paid where. I could not be in a relationship where I was utterly dependant on someone else without knowing what was what.