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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal to not know much about the family's financial situation as a whole?

98 replies

scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 16:58

So there's a mortgage and an overdraft - I am not sure how big they are but I have an idea. There's H's credit card bill (connected to his business) which he does sometimes tell me about, but not for a long time so I don't know how big that is. He is also paying off a capital gains tax bill and I am not sure how much he has left - though he has also told me about this in the past.

Other than that, I don't know. I think he may have some shares but I only suspect them rather than know for sure. He has a small annuity.

There could be loads more stuff, either negative or positive, that I don't know about.

I have my own account which H is not party to but it's small fry. He could be independent without me but the reverse is not true.

So my question is, is it in any way normal to only have an inkling about the finances but in reality not know - partly because you never see the paperwork, and partly because your H doesn't tell you?

I mainly pay for good and anything related to the dc - though have also paid for furnitire and holidays when I have been flusher.

H pays for the mortgage (only his name on that and on the deeds naturally) and all bills.

We have been together for 21 years and married for 15, and have dc. Just to set the scene.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/01/2017 17:17

I'd advise you to speak to a solicitor before you say anything to him about a divorce, OP. Explain your concerns about the money. As it is, your husband could well hide money - you will need to get some advice on how to avoid this.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:19

The paperwork used to lie around and then go to his accountant. At the moment I think it is in his shop. I am a bit worried some of it might have been re-directed there as he seems to be getting less post.

I do roughly know his income I think, it's the debt and financial ins and outs, accounts etc..., that I don't know about.

OP posts:
Confirmyouraccount · 14/01/2017 17:22

but it's not corporation tax he is paying, it's capital gains tax

Sorry- mis read it.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:22

Yes and he has form for this - he hid the existence of the shop from me for a good 9 or 10 months, and then lied through his teeth about it until I had complete proof. Then wasn't sorry at all. This is about 2 years ago.

OP posts:
RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 14/01/2017 17:22

I dont know much about our joint finances

But i know that if i asked he would be only too happy to tell me

I would be very angry if he was keeping me in the dark on purpose

Nquartz · 14/01/2017 17:22

I manage the finances in our house but DH & I always discuss big decisions & I keep him updated on what we owe on the mortgage etc. It would worry me that if I suddenly popped my clogs DH wouldn't be know how to log into our joint accounts etc.
You are an equal partner & should br treated accordingly, whether he's secretive or not.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:23

So is it fair to say that the financial one sidedness is something that most people would find difficult?

OP posts:
joystir59 · 14/01/2017 17:23

Since you're jointly liable for any bills in marriage, I really think you must be aware of your mutual financial situation.

is this true? We've been married 5 years- I moved in with my OH, and the house and mortgage, which she had had some time prior, are still in her name only. If she couldn't pay the mortgage would I be liable to?

MillionToOneChances · 14/01/2017 17:24

If you think you might be headed for a divorce you need to snoop and spy and photograph every financial document you can (Office Lens is a useful app to use your phone as a scanner - adjusts for angle so much clearer than a normal pic of documents). You can get information about his business online if it's a limited company: www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company

NerrSnerr · 14/01/2017 17:26

Dealing with finances stresses me out so my husband deals with it but I know pretty much how much we have, what's on the credit card and we only got the house 2 years ago so roughly know how much we owe on that. I also know where he keeps all the paperwork. I wouldn't let him do everything if I thought he was withholding any information from me. If I ask he will show me or answer.

jelliebelly · 14/01/2017 17:26

Absolutely not normal - I know more about our finances than dh does!

Pallisers · 14/01/2017 17:31

I'd advise you to speak to a solicitor before you say anything to him about a divorce, OP. Explain your concerns about the money. As it is, your husband could well hide money - you will need to get some advice on how to avoid this.

I agree with this advice.

What you are experiencing is not normal. He is incredibly secretive about money. I couldn't live like that - most people couldn't. You will be in a bad way if he drops dead and I suspect he will suddenly not have a traceable penny if you tell him you want a divorce.

Get as much info as you can and get legal and possibly financial advice before you tell him anything.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:33

In a way, one of the reasons we would be getting divorced (though not the biggest reason) is so that I could have a handle on my own finances, as well as some financial independence - maybe. So that I know how to plan for the future, and understand the general financial situation I am in.

That's a bit fucked up isn't it Confused?

OP posts:
Mindtrope · 14/01/2017 17:35

I don't think "normal " comes in to it.
You should take financial responsibility for yourself however, potentially your OH could be knee deep in debt and may impact your situation
I would seek urgent advice.

HalfaFishFingerAndTwoPeas · 14/01/2017 17:38

It would be considered normal in the 50's, in 2017...not so much.

LumelaMme · 14/01/2017 17:38

OP, you need to know the financial situation. I deal with all the paperwork, and I also do a financial spreadsheet every couple of months which I email to DH, so we know what we owe, what savings we have, what our other assets are. He keeps tabs on his pension and has worked out a future cash-flow which we have discussed together and I know he'd send me a copy if I asked.

Marriage is about partnership, not about one party hiding things - financial, emotional - from the other.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:38

I suspect he will suddenly not have a traceable penny if you tell him you want a divorce.

I am scared of this too, though I do think that what he mainly has is property. Have heard that people trying to add other people to their properties, or trying to dispose of them in some way, is not looked at favourably by judges.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:41

Marriage is about partnership, not about one party hiding things - financial, emotional - from the other.

I agree. There is a lot wrong in our marriage. Yet still I convince myself that I don't really have the right to disrupt everyone's lives by divorcing him.

OP posts:
bigbluebus · 14/01/2017 17:46

Only people I've known who have been in this position have ended up in long and drawn out divorces. One friend who knew nothing about her DH's investments found him immediately removing a locked filing cabinet from the family home as soon as they agreed to separate and it took 5 years to sort out the financial settlement - although she was on the mortgage and deeds to the matrimonial home.

DH & I only have joint finances with the exception of a small inheritance which I have recently received which is in my name only - but DH is fully aware of that and some of it has been used to buy what would be considered family purchases.

Find out as much info as you can now about the financial situation before you discuss divorce as you will find some things (investments) will be hidden whilst debts will be used to avoid paying you what you might be due.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:47

But say that we weren't on the brink of divorce and I did want to change the financial set up, how would I go about doing it with someone who is very stubborn and defended? And would this be a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:
TiredMumToTwo · 14/01/2017 17:47

Major, major red flag - I hate dealing with finances so when DH and I got together 6 years ago, it was a relief that he wanted to take on responsibility for it all. Fast forward to six months ago - we were joint directors in our company both with contractor wages & he announces that we need to close the company due to the debt he's racked up, we had to move out of our lovely house and I'm now in the position that if I wanted to leave I couldn't afford to keep a roof over mine and my kids heads despite the brand new Mercedes I'm driving round in. I had no idea how much he screwed me over financially and I'm going to be dealing with the repercussions for years to come - all because I left the financial stuff to him, trusted him and didn't pay close enough attention.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:49

I am just quite scared of what I am going to have to go through if we get divorced.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredoffallout · 14/01/2017 17:50

I am sorry DoggyMadMum, that sounds hard.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/01/2017 17:55

What do you mean, you're scared of what you'll have to go through? Do you mean you're scared to tell him?

How old are your children? What's their relationship like with him?

SusieOwl4 · 14/01/2017 17:58

I agree with all suggestions above . You should be entitled to an initial appointment with a family law solicitor for perhaps an hour or half an hour for free. Gather any information you can asap . If you can hold your nerve after that perhaps try again the angle that if anything happened to him you would need to know where everything thing is , so who is is his current accountant. Are there children involved from previous relationships at all? It sounds that financially you could have a fight on your hands , however if you will be happier will it all be worth it in the end?

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