...to not play with my daughter's toys with her?

[Boomerwang]

My girl is nearly 5. She got a doll's house and bits to go with it at Christmas. It was my idea, despite knowing she will want someone to play with her. I'm not surprised she wants me to pretend play with her and I have done so a few times.

The problem is she is very controlling and she has a bad speech problem. This translates into telling me how I should pretend play, and then using false voices for her characters which I cannot understand. She gets frustrated if I bodge on and pretend I heard her and tells me off because I wasn't playing along properly. I get irritated and tell her I'm done, then she has a tantrum on the floor about it.

To be absolutely honest, I HATE playing with kids toys and I also hate that I hate it. I hate that I cannot do a false voice or accent because of my fag ash lil throat and I hate that I just cannot be bothered with any of her toys.

I am happy to have tickle fights or other physical interaction and face to face time. I am happy to read a book to her or teach her short words or learn the names of things. I will throw or kick a ball around with her when outside. I will do quite a few things and be happy about it, but I hate playing with her doll's house, anything that's horribly noisy like a terrible quality microphone or chirpy bird things or any whistles etc.

After just a few minutes of every game she gets out she gets bored and wanders off leaving me with the mess. I call her back to help me tidy up and she does it, but now I don't want to come over and do a puzzle with her when I know she'll be up again before finishing.

I swing between irritable and guilty constantly and it does wear me down. She also suffers, obviously.

My parents never played with my toys with me when I was a kid but I don't remember it bothering me. I'm hoping my daughter will also forget. I'm afraid she'll have some kind of deep rooted problem which will become apparent as a teenager or something.

I'm after reassurance that I'm not the only one who has zero desire to play with kids toys and also that my child won't suffer because of it.

I don't know any of the other kids at her daycare or their parents so nobody visits to play with her.

Boomerang you need to work on getting a few playdates in before you start full time. Just ask her teachers for a few suggestions and put notes in relevant children's bags inviting them (or even better ask your DD for suggestions).

Do you speak the community language at home, or is she grappling with a second language as well as a speech problem? If the second it could account for her playing "alongside" not with. I'd try to have a meeting with the teachers about how to integrate her more.

My DC3'S best friend has a speech delay and weirdly this has never been any impediment at all to them imaginary playing together. His mum was cautious about him coming to ours at first as I wouldn't understand him, but somehow DC3 understood him even when he only had a few words and some non word sounds (he's come on a lot now). He does great at ours even though we speak another language at home!

I do lots with my kids but also hate the endless imaginary play and only really did it with DC1 - I'm lucky to live in a community where neighbour kids drop 'round all day and also have 3 who have always played well together, but even when DC1 & 3 play together you get the phenomenon others have mentioned where the older one is excessively indulgent and passive or excessively directive, and the play between close in age siblings or friends is of a different quality because they negotiate and find compromise as equals, which I think is more valuable.

I'd really try to use these last weeks before you go full time to build up her friendships with playdates - this will have a knock on affect at day care as she will have a special relationship with kids she's played with at home, and you can keep once a week or fortnightly playdates up less intensively once you go full time.

I don't really pretend play with my children. I talk to them. I bake with them. I do crafts with them. But they pretend play together without me. I don't see it as a problem.

Play dates would be awkward because I don't know the parents. I can speak some Swedish but it's a laborious process. She speaks Swedish far better and more clearly than English so it's probably my fault she mumbles and burbles out English sentences.

I woke up in a much better mood yesterday and felt determined to play with her so when she brought the Sylvanian Families house over with a couple of the figures I got right into it and it died out naturally after ten minutes. I suggested painting and we sat on the floor and did that quite nicely.

I get days where I just feel so cooped up with her and she must feel the same. She's at her father's now so as usual I'm sitting here feeling guilty that she's not with me, especially as she always wants to come back to me. Her father has four dogs and two cats so I'm not surprised.

Boomerang we're in Germany and when I started inviting DC1's Kindergarten friends to play I spoke terrible German and like most people didn't know the parents til I actively got to know them by issuing the first invite - if you speak good enough Swedish to work you speak good enough Swedish to host a playdate.

I don't know Swedish playdate culture but in Germany it's normal to drop and run after the first time with children who are at daycare anyway.

I still invite friends of DC3 whose parents I have only seen in passing at drop off - they drop and run generally and often don't even come in for a coffee the first time, though that's always an offer. Parent free playdates are far better because you just leave the kids to it and get on rather than them playing to an audience as can sometimes happen with parents present.

Glad to hear you had a better day though!

Thanks. My ex told me that there will be an invitation to a party for her at daycare tomorrow so I'll have a go at getting in touch with the parent and try to have some kind of conversation.

Really don't like the kid though. Hmm.

Its drop and run with kids here in Finland too. What I did was leave my phone number and a little message saying DD would like to invite so-and-so around to play in the child's basket at daycare and then the parent would text me and we'd arrange it that way.

Good luck with the conversation today Boomerang - you've got to start somewhere, and if your DD likes the child it's worth a try, you don't have to play with them if the child is too naughty and doesn't play nicely with your DD just don't invite them twice and try someone else - by age 5 playdates should be starting to make your life easier by providing DD with a playmate leaving you mostly free except for feeding and watering and helping occasionally if a problem crops up, and generally being present but otherwise occupied, and shouldn't be high maintenance.