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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not play with my daughter's toys with her?

82 replies

Boomerwang · 13/01/2017 18:36

My girl is nearly 5. She got a doll's house and bits to go with it at Christmas. It was my idea, despite knowing she will want someone to play with her. I'm not surprised she wants me to pretend play with her and I have done so a few times.

The problem is she is very controlling and she has a bad speech problem. This translates into telling me how I should pretend play, and then using false voices for her characters which I cannot understand. She gets frustrated if I bodge on and pretend I heard her and tells me off because I wasn't playing along properly. I get irritated and tell her I'm done, then she has a tantrum on the floor about it.

To be absolutely honest, I HATE playing with kids toys and I also hate that I hate it. I hate that I cannot do a false voice or accent because of my fag ash lil throat and I hate that I just cannot be bothered with any of her toys.

I am happy to have tickle fights or other physical interaction and face to face time. I am happy to read a book to her or teach her short words or learn the names of things. I will throw or kick a ball around with her when outside. I will do quite a few things and be happy about it, but I hate playing with her doll's house, anything that's horribly noisy like a terrible quality microphone or chirpy bird things or any whistles etc.

After just a few minutes of every game she gets out she gets bored and wanders off leaving me with the mess. I call her back to help me tidy up and she does it, but now I don't want to come over and do a puzzle with her when I know she'll be up again before finishing.

I swing between irritable and guilty constantly and it does wear me down. She also suffers, obviously.

My parents never played with my toys with me when I was a kid but I don't remember it bothering me. I'm hoping my daughter will also forget. I'm afraid she'll have some kind of deep rooted problem which will become apparent as a teenager or something.

I'm after reassurance that I'm not the only one who has zero desire to play with kids toys and also that my child won't suffer because of it.

I don't know any of the other kids at her daycare or their parents so nobody visits to play with her.

OP posts:
minniebear · 13/01/2017 22:12

Totally agree, children playing with adults is a very recent phenomenon, and it's worrying that so many children are unable to play independently. Independent play is the best gift you can give your child-boredom creates creativity. Speaking as a mum and a teacher, let these children play!!

Zafodbeeblbrox10 · 13/01/2017 22:51

Play feeds the imagination.. In the absence of peers your child will cover a lot more ground playing with you than by its own devices. Not all play is with toys..there's singing, role playing, painting etc. It's fun and lighthearted. There's too many BOF's! Who wants to grow up anyway?

twinklefoot · 13/01/2017 22:52

Totally agree minnie.

corythatwas · 13/01/2017 23:11

minniebear Fri 13-Jan-17 22:12:50
"Totally agree, children playing with adults is a very recent phenomenon, and it's worrying that so many children are unable to play independently"

I think it's a recent phenomenon in some families (and perhaps more in British families?), but well recorded in other families.

In my (non-British) family, it goes back to the 20s/30s and in his autobgiography my grandfather (born in the 1890s) specifically mentions as a sad thing that he cannot remember his mother ever playing with him: he puts this down to her specific tragic and stressful circumstances, and was very anxious to make up for it with his own children. He had a wonderful imagination and his enjoyment of this type of interaction was very evident even in his old age. I see no sign that my mother or her db have been damaged by having parents who enjoyed playing with them.

But that is not to say that the OP has to enjoy it. Ime the crucial thing is to find ways of interaction that you do enjoy and do those enthusiastically. I was happy to enact all Robin Hood's merry men, but wasn't very good at crafts: I don't think that's done dc any harm.

Willow33 · 13/01/2017 23:23

You are not alone OP. I could have written your post myself. I feel guilty that I don't enjoy playing. My DM didn't play with us. She was too busy just surviving in difficult circumstances. It has meant that I really do not know how to do the imaginative side of playing but DH is good at that. I can read and do puzzles but DD doesn't always want that.
Anyway, I wonder if you had a tough time of it where you weren't engaged in play in the same way with your parents/ guardians?

DeleteOrDecay · 13/01/2017 23:35

Definitely not alone. I shocked myself when I became a parent as I had this idea in my head that I would be sat on the floor for hours with my dc playing with them and their toys and how amazing and fun it would be. It's the complete opposite! I can barely tolerate it when they repeatedly make me 'birthday cakes' out of duplo and then force me to blow out the candles and 'eat' a slice (but I do oblige). Although at least the duplo itself is something dc can and do play with independently although youngest dc is still a bit young to fully get into the role play aspect of things.

Feel a massive amount of guilt over it. It's not how I imagined things to be in my head, and I also worry about the 'long term effects' of just about anything relating to how I'm raising them. But it's nice to read it's not just me.

Natsku · 13/01/2017 23:46

Feel the same way OP cannot stand playing dolls with DD but she's been ill so she was at home today and she wanted to play "home" and I persuaded her that playing home involved going to school so we played school and I used it as an opportunity to learn some reading and maths (she hasn't started school yet as we're abroad and she won't start until she's 7) which was much easier for me to do. Plus "play time" which meant she had to play by herself while I chilled on my phone. So I suggest teaching that game!

KenzieBoosMummy · 13/01/2017 23:52

My daughter turns 2 next week and I must admit I feel awful for never playing with her toys with her. Well, not really.
I play with HER! We play catch, tickles, kissy-feet (our little thing!), read books and mess around. But I haven't the foggiest idea HOW to join in with her Happyland or Toot Toot stuff? It's not that I don't want to so much as I don't know HOW?! What do I say? I'm a very quiet person and don't find myself speaking to her a lot. (Partly due to depression I think) And it's important to mention that although she's saying more & more words by the day, she still isn't at the stage where she can answer a question yet or 'tell' me how she wants something to be. So that makes it a lot harder.
She's a very spoilt child with a ridiculous amount of toys. I do love the toys she has and she's even got a Little Tikes Hide n Slide in the Living Room!!! But I do worry that she spends farrrrrr too much time playing alone whilst I'm in my own world.....ConfusedSad

lottieandmia · 14/01/2017 00:01

I could never do this when my kids were little - I have Aspergers. I don't actually have the ability sadly and as a child I used to play with dolls but what I was really doing was obsessively dressing and arranging them.

I like to hope that I've made up for this shortfall in other ways!

KERALA1 · 14/01/2017 00:03

My parents were fab but can't remember them actively playing with us. Standards these days for parents are way higher than they were in the 80s.

I play sindys with my dds as we have lots of clothes and I enjoy it. I also facilitate crafts and cooking and will play as much scrabble as you want. Anything else you're on your own kid. Played bus stop a few times. Dear god kill me now! The dullest game ever.

KenzieBoosMummy · 14/01/2017 00:05

LottieandMia Hope you don't mind but I actually think my daughter may have Aspergers or ASD and I was wondering if I could just ask you what age it was that your parents started to notice subtle signs of it in you? If out don't mind sharing? Xx

lottieandmia · 14/01/2017 00:11

Kenzie - my ASD has only been recognised as an adult. All people on the spectrum are different but recently it has been more accepted that women look very different from men.

My prevailing memories of childhood are of feeling anxious all the time for no specific reason. When I started school, I cried every single day for the first year at least. I've always been obsessive. I couldn't cope with groups of friends and could only manage 1:1 friendships. When I got to senior school it was a disaster which resulted in relentless bullying (almost a campaign). My parents moved me to a small girls independent school and from then on I was ok. I've always stimmed but I don't think that is exclusive to ASD.

Sorry for hijack

1stWorldProblems · 14/01/2017 00:24

I'm not great at imaginative play / silly voices either. Radio 4 in the background was my saviour with DD1 (along with setting a time limit - say 10 mins - she could then carry on or come and help me with my task). DD2 much prefers to play by herself or with DD1 than with me.

KERALA1 · 14/01/2017 07:04

Invite a similar aged child over - why do you think people so keen to arrange play dates? Grin

Original poster
Boomerwang · 14/01/2017 08:13

Lots of responses, and very mixed I might say. She will always be an only child, unfortunately, and I do worry that I've even messed that up for her, since I haven't compensated by having loads of friends with kids her age coming round. She went to her first birthday party last year and I stayed to watch her, but I think I shouldn't have, as she looked to me to understand what she wanted instead of trying to ask another adult. She was quiet and didn't really play with the other kids, but alongside them.

I'm going off on a tangent... the truth is I hate being stuck indoors 24/7 with a bored child. I live in a snowy country and the kids don't start school til they're 7 or something stupid.

I start a new job (tree felling - yes!) in a couple of weeks and she'll be at daycare full time from 6am til 4.30pm every working day and I know she doesn't like it and I'll be tired after work so there's going to be an even bigger problem with playing.

I'm just burbling now aren't I.

OP posts:
Mari50 · 14/01/2017 08:26

My mum plays with my DD a lot, they play schools and Drs with her dolls. I don't play imaginary games with my DD and my mum definitely never played games with me. I'll play board games etc but I won't constantly entertain DD because she has to learn to amuse herself, which she has and she does. She also has friends she can call on to play with. I do find the culture of constantly being on call to entertain your kids a bit weird but each to their own. If we were all the same life would be dull.

HalfwayToFifty · 14/01/2017 08:48

I hate role play but I still wish Ds 4yo would want me to play. He's extremely independent and unless it's something that requires me, crafts, games, jigsaws ect. Would prefer to go off on his own to play. He does like to role play with his cousin but not an adult. He's always been that way. I'm hoping when dd gets bigger he will allow her to join in.

KenzieBoosMummy · 14/01/2017 09:18

LottieandMia - Oh my god I could've written that myself about my childhood....... I was constantly anxious. Couldn't handle groups only 1:1 friendships and I cried too for the first year but of High School. Ended up only going 2 days a week and left in year 10. Christ, I wonder if I have Aspergers?? X

Natsku · 14/01/2017 09:25

I'm going off on a tangent... the truth is I hate being stuck indoors 24/7 with a bored child. I live in a snowy country and the kids don't start school til they're 7 or something stupid

Wonder if we're in the same snowy country... but the snow is an answer in itself - just dress her up and send her outside to play!

Original poster
Boomerwang · 14/01/2017 09:37

natsku we did that until the snow started to melt and turn to dirty slush, and then it froze over and became really slippery and dangerous, and then it melted again and the cycle repeated. It's no longer fluffy, powdery, white snow it's dangerous slippery icy mush and pools of water. For some reason the temperature dips below -10 and rises above 10 on a very regular basis all in the same week.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 14/01/2017 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1477282676 · 14/01/2017 10:07

I don't play in that way either OP.

I will craft, make things etc...I will paint and draw, I will sing, do silly dances and have a tickle or whatever but I will not play pretend games with dolls or anything.

Hate it!

Natsku · 14/01/2017 10:15

We've been having that shitty weather too but luckily our garden has the nice snow now and I shovelled and gritted the yard area during the melt/freeze cycle enough so that its only a bit slippery. Wish this damn winter would settle soon.

Chipsahoy · 14/01/2017 10:32

I'm their mum, not their friend. That said, I feel play is important. As babies, it would be peek a boo for example, as toddlers, building towers with duplo. Now they are older (youngest is five) I play board games with them and do craft, but I do not play with toys, nor do I role play ever.
I feel it's my job to encourage their imaginations, provide the toys, craft, playing etc and assist, but I am not doing silly voices and playing with cars or dolls.
Ill kick a ball in the garden with them, play hide and seek or throw a Frisbee, but no way to imaginative play.

I think it's an important part of development but you don't have to provide it by actually taking part, you can provide it by taking her to play with other children.

MrsJayy · 14/01/2017 10:45

I see she is starting day care soon she will get all her play out there you obviously are really struggiling with this but I think a lot of parents do i didnt like the imaginative play when mine were that age i always got it wrong dd1 used to sigh and take her toy away as i was silly mummy who couldnt do it right. I think sitting beside her when she is with her dolls house ask her what person is doing would be better for you. Please dont feel guilty you do lots of other fun things with her let her play with the dolls house her self.