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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not play with my daughter's toys with her?

82 replies

Boomerwang · 13/01/2017 18:36

My girl is nearly 5. She got a doll's house and bits to go with it at Christmas. It was my idea, despite knowing she will want someone to play with her. I'm not surprised she wants me to pretend play with her and I have done so a few times.

The problem is she is very controlling and she has a bad speech problem. This translates into telling me how I should pretend play, and then using false voices for her characters which I cannot understand. She gets frustrated if I bodge on and pretend I heard her and tells me off because I wasn't playing along properly. I get irritated and tell her I'm done, then she has a tantrum on the floor about it.

To be absolutely honest, I HATE playing with kids toys and I also hate that I hate it. I hate that I cannot do a false voice or accent because of my fag ash lil throat and I hate that I just cannot be bothered with any of her toys.

I am happy to have tickle fights or other physical interaction and face to face time. I am happy to read a book to her or teach her short words or learn the names of things. I will throw or kick a ball around with her when outside. I will do quite a few things and be happy about it, but I hate playing with her doll's house, anything that's horribly noisy like a terrible quality microphone or chirpy bird things or any whistles etc.

After just a few minutes of every game she gets out she gets bored and wanders off leaving me with the mess. I call her back to help me tidy up and she does it, but now I don't want to come over and do a puzzle with her when I know she'll be up again before finishing.

I swing between irritable and guilty constantly and it does wear me down. She also suffers, obviously.

My parents never played with my toys with me when I was a kid but I don't remember it bothering me. I'm hoping my daughter will also forget. I'm afraid she'll have some kind of deep rooted problem which will become apparent as a teenager or something.

I'm after reassurance that I'm not the only one who has zero desire to play with kids toys and also that my child won't suffer because of it.

I don't know any of the other kids at her daycare or their parents so nobody visits to play with her.

OP posts:

bumsexatthebingo · 13/01/2017 20:35

I've studied Early Years at post graduate level and I agree with a pp that adults tend to either be completely passive or take over. I think the op might be better just commentating on what she can see rather than letting the child boss her or taking control of the game. Also if she is reading regularly with her child and playing outdoors etc comments like 'why bother having kids' are grossly unfair. She doesn't enjoy playing with some of her childs toys. It's not a crime. I happen to agree about the battery operated ones. They are annoyng and not great for development. I don't have those kind of toys in my house.

TurkeyDinosaurs · 13/01/2017 20:42

I think on on the whole it's a relatively new thing for parents to play imaginary games with their children. I don't remember my parents doing pretend play with me. I had to.make my own fun and if I was bored I had to deal with that myself. The ability to tackle boredom increases intelligence doesn't it?

Mumonthesofa · 13/01/2017 20:42

I have a very poor imagination and as a result I struggle playing certain things with my children. I am no good at playing with figures acting out scenes but I like Lego, playing board games etc. Some things just don't come naturally to some people.

hazeyjane · 13/01/2017 20:45

When you mention your dd's speech problem, I wonder if these games are related in part to that. Ds has a very severe speech disorder, and loves playing very repetitive role playing games - they often contain the same characters, elements, repeated bits of speech or sounds. I think, for ds, these games are ways for him to explore speech, feel secure in the little speech he has and learn how to play and interact in play.

With ds, I try to think of the games like little plays or stories, but have worked out ways to introduce one new element gradually, to slightly alter the course of the game - then we repeat that game (endlessly!) a few times, then another new element, ad infinitum!!

ScrumpyBetty · 13/01/2017 20:45

Totally unfair comments crumbs and others

The OP has not said that she does not want to play with her child at all! Just that she doesn't want to play dolls. OP said that she plays lots of other games- tickling games, outdoor stuff, puzzles and more.

OP- a bit of independent play is fine for your daughter. You sound as though you do play with her at other times and spend quality time with her and that's great. We don't all play with our children 100% of the time, and that's okay, it's about balance, as long as you are doing some play.

waterrat · 13/01/2017 20:48

Sorry but this type of playing is for kids with other kids. If she isn't the kind of child to potter on her own with a dolls house then it's just not her sort of toy unless she has friends round.

Kids evolved to play and learn through play but until pretty recently in human history there wpuld have been large groups of children at all times playing together.

There is nothing natural or normal about adults playing with kids like this. Be tough and leave her to use her imagination on her own or get friends round !

waterrat · 13/01/2017 20:48

Insancerre if you have studied child play you know thst kids are meant to do this stuff together.

bumsexatthebingo · 13/01/2017 20:50

Yep kids tend to play like this either by playing more than one character themselves or with peers. And there is nothing wrong with some independent play at all. In fact the less adults steer it the better.

Jayfee · 13/01/2017 20:54

that is sort of what i meant..i could pretend for a bit but my two children would create imaginary worlds and games which lasted days sometimes

littledinaco · 13/01/2017 20:59

Dolls house type games can be a really good way for you to help her speech.

Your DD might communicate with you about her day/any worries she has through play. My DD would not tell me about nursery/school but would act it all out in the dolls house so I would get to find out all about her little life, what worried her, etc.

I know it can be boring but if you approach it a bit differently, it can also be lovely. It won't be forever that she wants her mum to sit with her and play dolls; one day she'll be shutting you out of her room (and possibly her life!) and you don't want to look back and wish you hadn't made the effort to play with your lovely little girl.

hazeyjane · 13/01/2017 21:10

Bumsex and others who say this type of play is not beneficial to children ( or is even a little odd?!) - don't you think that some children are better than others at imaginative play ? Some it may be developmental, or due to issues like speech problems or social communication difficulties, shyness, personality or it may be environmental (not necessarily talking about the op here).

Obviously there are other ways to play, but imaginative play can be a good way for children to learn to interact with others, communication, and thinking creatively. If an adult joins in with imaginative play like this and does it in a way that encourages the child to think about where the story could go next? What the characters look like? What happened before? Surely that helps the child?

PippiLongstromp · 13/01/2017 21:11

There is no way I would let my child boss me around like that if I wasn't enjoying the game myself! By going along with it, You are teaching her it's ok to cross people's boundaries. It sounds like you are engaging with her plenty in other things, she will not suffer emotional wounds if you do not engage in the role play.

drivingmisspotty · 13/01/2017 21:18

Oh oh I struggle with this too, although I did give it a go with my eldest and sometimes managed to enjoy it. Now I have two they tend to play with each other.

The frustrating thing is I can still remember what it was like to play like that and almost feel the same feeling of being in another world. But I just can't do it as an adult. OH told me once about something he read (I think in one of those self help books about being motivated) that children have more of a certain brain wave pattern that allows them to get absorbed in their imaginary world, and I guess probably why when you think they have gone to out their shoes on for school you find them 10 mins later being a cat. So I wonder if I am just not built that way any more. (I think the book was arguing you need to find your own 'flow' so adults exhibit those same kind of brainwaves when very absorbed in a project. I have yet to find work like that but it is a nice idea!)

BravoPanda · 13/01/2017 21:23

Why wouldn't you want to play with you child like that? All you have to do is 'play', or has everyone suddenly forgotten how to now they're older? Be animated and funny and the kid won't care if you follow their story or not as they will want to join in regardless.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/01/2017 21:27

I won't play 'directed' character play at all. I will offer to play something else instead. I cannot stand 'Noooo - she has to say 'blah blah'. 'Nooooo - not like that'. Put her here, say this, do that, nooooo.

Not for anything anymore. It just makes me far too ragey.

I will happily do a zillion other things with them, but not that.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/01/2017 21:31

No Bravo, no, they won't. They want you to follow their script, word for word, intonation exactly how they want it. They want you to put 'Barbie' here and say 'Blah blah blah' then tell you off for not saying it exactly the way they want you to.

Not to mention it's rather worrying that you can't imagine that anyone could not enjoy something simply because you do.

bumsexatthebingo · 13/01/2017 21:33

I think imaginative play is hugely beneficial! I just think that when adults get involved in it they tend to interfere and make it go how they want it to go or just become a prop. Imaginative free child-led play is hugely important for development.

bumsexatthebingo · 13/01/2017 21:34

There are plenty of ways the op can play with and interact with her child that will be enjoyable for both of them.

hazeyjane · 13/01/2017 21:37

Even if the child has speech or other issues that may have impacted on their play?

deadringer · 13/01/2017 21:40

I am the same op, love my kids, love chatting to them and reading to them, but lord do i hate this kind of play. I didn't even really play much when i was a child. i loved playing outside and playing card or board games but sitting playing with little figures or whatever does my head in. I do my best but its so boring!

hazeyjane · 13/01/2017 21:40

Sorry, of course there are other types are of play that the op can enjoy with her dd, what I meant was - if a child struggles to do imaginative play on their own, or with other children then an adult joining in with them in a positive way is surely 'a good thing'!

twinklefoot · 13/01/2017 21:41

It's hell isn't. I was kind this evening and lay on the sofa and played Shopkins. And I do agree pretend play isn't really that great for an adult: games, jigsaws, going out on their bike with them, baking, craft, reading stories, playing ball etc are the way to go. If it feels odd I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't feel guilty. You're not Mrs Doubtfire!

bumsexatthebingo · 13/01/2017 21:43

It may need to be modelled more with a child with delay and I did say that in my first post. But short periods of that kind of teaching would be fine. Starting some playdates with other kids would be more beneficial.

bumsexatthebingo · 13/01/2017 21:46

Also my kids loved playing hairdressers for a time which I could do for hours. Sat down having my hair played with. Sometimes I'd get a massage as well! But it is fine as a parent to say you don't enjoy a particular game.

PotatoWaffleCob · 13/01/2017 22:02

Oh I actually really enjoy it . I bloody hate arts and crafts though and leave that one to daddy or school. We all enjoy different things with our children OP, don't worry.

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