Thanks DH...thanks a lot

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

So DH gets in from work (I've been at home with DS all day). I say I'd better go and get tea on for DH. My dad is here so I was just feeling a bit bad for trailing off to the kitchen when he's come here to see me and DS.

I'm dilly-dallying/talking etc and DH suddenly says "go on, get yourself in the kitchen". I feel really embarrassed that he said it, especially in front of my dad. I called him a knob and walked off.

I know he's been at work all day. I do all the cooking, and I'm fine with it. Just maybe don't talk to me like you bloody well own me.

Sorry, just need to rant.

Oof! "Fuck off and cook your own bastard tea" amen to that! Time for a conversation about assumptions and division of labour, methinks.

Quite apart from anything else, it's YOUR dad and you want to spend time with him.

'Don't talk to me like that. I want to chat to my dad a bit. You can start cooking if you're hungry.'

That'd do for starters. But you need to talk properly about splitting labour fairly. Bins out doesn't equal cooking every meal.

DS's dinner on table. Dad helping him. DH hasn't said anything but is now doing the washing up. He's taken the "knob" comment on board, then.

All sorted then, issue resolved, happy days. I love how quickly that happens on here.

Why the need for the sarcasm? Obviously it isn't sorted.

Sorry, it was your little smiley face that sent me off. Like a big yellow "I'm just going to ignore the issue and only wanted a rant" full stop.

No, the issue won't be ignored. The smiley face was because my knob comment presumably had some effect, though nothing was said. I won't be talking to him about it until later on when dad's gone/DS in bed.

Good, make sure you do address it. Very easy to slip back into old routines/dynamics though so make sure you are sticking to whatever is agreed. Don't let him "negotiate" his way back to doing fuck all the bins in return for you doing everything else.

You see I don't understand your first sentences tbh-"So DH gets in from work . I say I'd better go and get tea on for DH. "

Why couldn't he do tea as you had company?

When you carried on chatting to your dad, why wouldn't he offer to at least make a start?

I know I shouldn't have offered to go and do tea. It's just an ingrained routine and to be honest I didn't think about the unfair division of chores/jobs until discussing it on here. And he could have offered to do tea today. Aside from the crappy joke there are definitely issues that need resolving (obviously the joke has made me question a few things).

I would have told him to piss off too, joke or not.

dinner at 5pm

Personally I think its well weird people plan meals for after 6. Id have nightmares if I ate late.

What's wrong with eating at 5? I always aim to have our evening meal between 5 and 6.

I cook 95% of the dinners for OH and I and virtually never take the bins out and I freaking love it. I get to listen to music, relax, smell food and drink wine. It's bliss.

I still cooked while I had a week off when my mom was in town from overseas - she just joined me in the kitchen for a glass of wine while he unwound from work, it was great.

The OP responded exactly like I would have - a sharp response in front of company followed up by a talking to later on.

Crikey, you lot really over-think things don't you. It just sounded like a joke to me, as the OP was the one who said she was going to make tea and then didn't go. No doubt it was a bit tongue in cheek because the FIL was there and Dh was making out that he was a bossy git. I'm sure FIL knows he isn't really so it was just an in-joke type of thing. Lot's of men joke about 'er indoors and being under the thumb when everyone knows they are no such thing.
I'll bet if OP hadn't said anything in the first place and had just sat there chatting to her dad then Dh wouldn't have said anything about it. It's not as though it was late.

Re the last bit. I meant that he was probably fine with not having dinner as soon as he got in anyway, not that OP has some kind of deadline for getting dinner!

I'm clearly in a minority of 'one' on here, but I really don't see anything wrong in the SAHP cooking the evening meal. When I was a SAHM, I cooked my DH's and DC's tea, ready for when he came in from work. He worked full time, did the garden and DIY jobs. I felt that as I had been given the opportunity to stay at home with my DCs and avoid the stress of going out to work and balancing childcare and work, together with watching the DCs grow and spending time with them; I think doing the cooking and most of the housework was a small price to pay TBH. I never felt overworked or stressed.

Oh and I know there's not supposed to be an apostrophe in 'lots'. .

oh god!!!

If my DH had said that to me I'd have immediately sat back down on the sofa with a book and hell would have frozen before I'd have cooked for him tonight.

Pixel it's not a joke if it's made at someone else's expense and they don't think it's funny.

I'd take bins over dinner. 11 meals vs a few bin bags - he has a very cushy number.

Laundry vs cooking is more equal. Sort, wash, dry, iron (if you do such a thing),put away.
Bin bags vs cleaning the toilets or cleaning the fridge maybe ?

Honestly a lot of people seem to be over-reacting to a throwaway comment.

Take away all the extraneous stuff and you get:

OP: "Oh, DH is home, I should get on with making tea"

DH: "Well, go on get yourself in the kitchen then"

Is it the most polite thing to say? No, probably not, but it probably wasn't meant to be taken so seriously.

My DP does the "announce and faff" thing and I hate it because he does it regularly enough that it pisses me off. For example we will be watching TV and my DP says, totally unprompted, "Oh, I should go and bring that washing in" ... then proceeds to spend the next 10 minutes reorganizing his DVD collection or then start asking about our plans for the next day etc until I say something like "Well, that washing isn't going to bring itself in, now is it?" in a jokey, but also kind of not jokey, way and he actually goes and does it. I find it seriously irritating if someone announces that they're getting up to go and do something ... and then messes around instead of getting on with it. I didn't ask him to get the washing, he made that choice by himself, so he needs to get on and do it, or only mention it when he's ready to go out immediately. If I've had a really stressful day at work sometimes the only way to try and control my irritation is to be a bit sarcastic when I tell them to just get on with it.

I said that I'd better get on with making dinner, and there was probably a minute of me faffing about before DH said what he did. I wasn't faffing for 15 minutes or anything.

Anyway, I've asked him if he meant it as a joke or not and he said it was definitely a joke. I said I still didn't appreciate it, I didn't think it was very kind, and he apologised.

We have yet to discuss the divvying up of jobs but I've told him we need to because it's made me realise that things aren't all that fair at the moment, and I could do with a bit more help.

melj to be fair, this is what I did, it just wasn't 10 minute's worth of faffing. But it was the same principle, and I should have just gone and got on with it without doing the whole "off I go then" and then stalling.

ShowMe, stick with 'more equal share' of the gruntwork, rather that 'help', its more accurate. Hope you have a good chat and things work out OK.