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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends could have what we have, if they stopped being so reckless

80 replies

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 13/01/2017 12:17

My married friends earn a huge amount of money between them. One alone earns our combined wage when I was working. Their childcare costs are paid by family. Their substantial house deposit came from family. Their 2015 car is on finance and they never go on holiday.

I drive an old banger, live in a tiny flat which needs redecorating, I need new furniture etc, I don't get my hair cut or nails done, clothes from ebay etc but we do take short breaks in the UK in cheap caravans.

Friends constantly josh us about being "rich" and "lucky" because I don't work and are still able to go on holiday/have days out (it wasn't cost effective for me to return to work and we don't get any help ie tax credits etc). I often get jokey messages about what amazing lunch I'm eating that day during my lady of leisure time (it's egg on toast! Ha!) To keep costs down I cook a lot of cheap meals from scratch, don't get microwave things and try and bulk up with veg. They get take aways most nights. Their new cordless Hoover cost what our week away cost. If fact it probably cost the same as our car Blush!

They could have one parent at home and holidays if they were willing to budget and sort themselves out. Just because we go without luxuries doesn't make us rich. They wouldn't want "what we have" I'm sure, because my car hasn't got a radio let alone heated seats! Grin

I like these guys but their assumption that our lifestyle is unattainable is ridiculous. They just done want to go without. Give me some come backs mumsnet!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/01/2017 14:08

Life is too short for people like this when you don't have to associate with them. Start cutting them a wide berth.

peroxidebrown · 13/01/2017 14:12

Why don't you just say: "are you joking? I wish we could afford all the gadgets you guys buy they must cost a fortune!"

Rollonbedtime7pm · 13/01/2017 14:14

YANBU - it's grates when it goes on and on.

I have a friend who probably earns more in her p/t job than my DH earns f/t and her DH earns nearly twice as much as our entire household income yet she is always complaining that she can't afford stuff.

I am on maternity leave with our 3rd (ah! She couldn't afford a 3rd! Wink) and about to be on the no pay part but we have 2 holidays booked this year and have just bought a new car - so she assumes we must be loaded yet she is skint! "Oh, we desperately need a new car but can't afford one"

If we can on nearly zero pay from me, then of course she can!! It's just she wants a bloody new BMW and skiing holidays!!

Confused
Original poster
Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 13/01/2017 14:30

I just want to stress that I don't begrudge anyone buying anything, and that everyone is free to buy what they want of course, but when the comparison to my situation becomes part of that then of course I am going to be snipey. I wouldn't have given their income and purchases (that yeah, I do consider reckless given that I am a frugal person and they are moaning about being poor) a second thought if they hadn't kept mentioning our financial situation in comparison to theirs.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/01/2017 14:30

I think most people secretly weigh themselves up a little against other people and what they think they will earn and how they spend it.

I was shocked when I discovered how much they had spent on their new bathroom, yet they're clearly surprised by how many holidays we go on ( which I get as cheaply as I can by booking flights as soon as they come out and staying s/c, but still definitely a lot more than they spend).

What's rude is making persistent unwanted comments about it.

rookiemere · 13/01/2017 14:30

What do you say in response OP?

Original poster
Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 13/01/2017 14:35

Usually I'll say, "are you kidding, how much was the curved tv?!" in mock horror and they justify it as an essential or a present to themselves and the cost was tiny in comparison to the spec etc

OP posts:
Tywinlannister · 13/01/2017 14:37

I think the details don't matter, they have this impression of you as a lady of leisure swanning about lunching and going on lavish holidays. Nice! Confused

ComedyBoobs · 13/01/2017 14:40

Maybe they're being sarcastic?

BurningBridges · 13/01/2017 14:44

You've reminded me of a neighour who constantly comments how expensive everything is, particularly if I've got it. If she gets it, its always or free or less than I paid etc. but if I get it, its an extravagance. Funnily enough she just came into some money, and has a large inheritance but wont spend it, preferring to complain instead how skint she is. Maybe she truly perceives that she is hard up?

BalloonSlayer · 13/01/2017 14:45

A family member used to make me feel profligate if I spent money on something they wouldn't. Say "Oh well I couldn't afford that."

They worked part time and the spouse had taken early retirement because their mortgage had been paid off.

I wanted to say, well DH and I can't afford to only work 20 hours a week between us because we are not so rich as you, we have got a big mortgage to pay back, so we have to work 80 hours a week between us. That's why we've got the spare £15 to have the washing machine fixed rather than trying to fix it ourselves.

But. I. never. did.

Schoolquestionz · 13/01/2017 14:53

Maybe she's saying that to you as a compliment knowing that it's a struggle for you at times?

Schoolquestionz · 13/01/2017 14:56

Sorry I just think your OP is a bit Pollyanna.

People can do what they like with their money.

We eat out a lot - a lot of our friends balk at paying restaurants for food. Yes we could spend a lot more money but really that's what we want to do.

Schoolquestionz · 13/01/2017 14:56
  • A lot less money
NotCitrus · 13/01/2017 14:59

It's the going on and on that's annoying.
I have many friends who openly envy my large house. They also have enough sense to realise that I only have it because DH and I have devoted years to DIY, living in a building site, and not generally going abroad - there's still luck involved but people with sense realise that they have made other choices - and I sometimes get wistful when they talk about their holidays around the world.

It's the one who complains about being skint and hating her job but having to stay in it to pay this month's rent, while going abroad every two months and spending £500/month on our mutual hobby, that gets on my wick. The ones who are skint and stuck in jobs they hate but don't have a choice, I'm as sympathetic as possible.

Schoolquestionz · 13/01/2017 14:59

I think privately families always think they have 'got it right' compared to others. And I think your post comes across like that. They will probably think the same. They might say "how can they scrimp and save like that."

Sorry that was my final addition!

runs off

BillSykesDog · 13/01/2017 15:00

Are you sure they're not trying to be self deprecating? As in they know they're significantly wealthier than you and feel self conscious about it so they make a big deal about how lucky you are to be a SAHM to show they see that as being as valuable and worthwhile as their choices?

BarbarianMum · 13/01/2017 15:01

Oh we have friends who moan at how hard up they are, and how they'd love for X to work part time like I do but they can't afford it. The one time I did gently point out that their mortgage was bigger because their house was twice the size of ours and detached with a big garden, and that they sent their ds to private school and that these were choices they got really huffy. Friends eh?

Schoolquestionz · 13/01/2017 15:01

Are you sure they're not trying to be self deprecating? As in they know they're significantly wealthier than you and feel self conscious about it so they make a big deal about how lucky you are to be a SAHM to show they see that as being as valuable and worthwhile as their choices?

I agree.

cordeliavorkosigan · 13/01/2017 15:13

I know this isn't the way it's done, but if they are actually your friends, why not just say something directly?
eg "You often mention this and it feels [accusatory, critical, unrecognising of the expense of your own stuff]; what are you trying to say with these comments"?
or "If you are trying to make me feel better about not having a new tv [or whatever], it's ok really, I'm happy with my choices... are you happy with yours?"
etc. If this bothers you, but they aren't sufficiently your friends that you can be more direct about it, then they are acquaintances and you should probably just see them quite a bit less.

BeMorePanda · 13/01/2017 15:20

Comparison is the thief of joy - stop it OP.

DailyFail1 · 13/01/2017 15:30

I have a friend in a similar position to you. I say this with no disrespect, but the reason why we all say we're jealous of her is to make her feel better about herself as a sahm with a very limited household income. We're not actually jealous. I would never want to be in a position where I had to go without a reliable car/a few luxuries & I'm saving more than 50 per cent of my income.

OhhBetty · 13/01/2017 15:30

It sounds like you're all judgemental/not very nice to each other/jealous of each other. I would cut my losses and let the friendship fizzle out!

caz323 · 13/01/2017 15:32

I'm struggling to understand their behaviour towards you. If they are nice friends (you said you like them), why would they have this ridiculous idea that you are rich? It's nonsensical! If they are truly your friends, how can they possibly come that conclusion anyway? And they believe they're poor? They are both high earners so, presumably, have some grey matter between them. Can they both be so incredibly thick to see that their budgeting skills are rubbish, whereas yours are excellent? Are you simply mis-interpreting their humour maybe? You know them better than we do.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/01/2017 15:41

They don't want your lifestyle, OP. If they did, they would make it happen.

Like others, I suspect that their comments are clumsy attempts to make you feel better about a lifestyle that doesn't appeal to them.