To think my friends could have what we have, if they stopped being so reckless

[Whatwhatinthewhatnow]

My married friends earn a huge amount of money between them. One alone earns our combined wage when I was working. Their childcare costs are paid by family. Their substantial house deposit came from family. Their 2015 car is on finance and they never go on holiday.

I drive an old banger, live in a tiny flat which needs redecorating, I need new furniture etc, I don't get my hair cut or nails done, clothes from ebay etc but we do take short breaks in the UK in cheap caravans.

Friends constantly josh us about being "rich" and "lucky" because I don't work and are still able to go on holiday/have days out (it wasn't cost effective for me to return to work and we don't get any help ie tax credits etc). I often get jokey messages about what amazing lunch I'm eating that day during my lady of leisure time (it's egg on toast! Ha!) To keep costs down I cook a lot of cheap meals from scratch, don't get microwave things and try and bulk up with veg. They get take aways most nights. Their new cordless Hoover cost what our week away cost. If fact it probably cost the same as our car !

They could have one parent at home and holidays if they were willing to budget and sort themselves out. Just because we go without luxuries doesn't make us rich. They wouldn't want "what we have" I'm sure, because my car hasn't got a radio let alone heated seats!

I like these guys but their assumption that our lifestyle is unattainable is ridiculous. They just done want to go without. Give me some come backs mumsnet!

[Brokenbiscuit]

Are you sure they're not trying to be self deprecating? As in they know they're significantly wealthier than you and feel self conscious about it so they make a big deal about how lucky you are to be a SAHM to show they see that as being as valuable and worthwhile as their choices?

I agree with this too.

[FilledSoda]

In their mind they think they are being nice, because they secretly pity you.

[Paraskevidekatriaphobia]

I'm finding myself agreeing with a pp who suggested you don't really like these people and that you are secretly judging them. OP, I get it must be annoying if they do indeed keep harping on how they envy your lifestyle but you do come across a bit smug and martyrish with the whole self-sacrificing frugality because priorities schtick. Either way, it's bloody rude to comment on others' lifestyle and spending habits.

Maybe I'm a bit sensitive because I was sort of in the opposite position, although my Sahm friend's household and disposable income was way higher than mine. She was very thrifty, some might say miserly, which is fine, you do you and all that, until you feel it gives you a green light to be always making snide comments about my perceived 'extravagance' and how wasteful some of my habits are. My money, my business, bitch.

I never once suggested I'd like to be able to stay at home and have her life (because I wouldn't) and I never told her to spend some of her 'rainy day of biblical proportions fund' and live a little, though I often longed to, because that would have made me just as bad as her.

[Holidayhelp2017]

I think everyone likes to feel validated in their own decisions but however much it seems contradictory, a lot of people simultaneously like to think the grass is greener on the other side. I don't mean this as a criticism but I think a lot of people, on some level, like feeling like a bit of a martyr. Nobody wants to think "do you know what, my life is pretty sweet," because we have an inbuilt belief that life should be a struggle and that we should feel guilty for picking an easier option.

As a SAHM I am, like the OP, living fairly frugally. I wouldn't have much more money if I worked due to childcare costs, and ultimately my DP and I felt that the small amount of money I would bring in wasn't worth as much to us as me being at home with DD. It means I get to spend time with her and her with me, I cook almost everything we eat from scratch, and I get jobs done in the day which then frees up more family time in the evenings and weekends. It also means we don't juggle nursery pick ups, we don't have to coordinate holiday cover for nursery, I have done all the night care for DD and not had to get up for work the next day and if DD was ill neither of us would have to negotiate time off. However, as lovely as that can be and as convenient as it undeniably is, I do sometimes envy people who work. They have more mental stimulation, conversations with adults that aren't child-related, a break from childcare and can take pride in earning their own money, which they can then use to fund things which our family can't afford.

I wouldn't comment to other people about their choices, or ours, and like the OP I would think it was rude if people acted like I was a lady of leisure. Just like it would be rude if I said "I wish I had more new clothes like you but I would rather be at home with my child". I chose to do this because I think it works best for our family. If someone else finds that working and having extra disposable income works better for their family then that's their decision. It doesn't make you a bad person to want to stay at home, or to want a break from your DCs, or to want more money! I think some people see someone making a different choice to them as being somehow an implicit judgment of them and it really shouldn't be!

[FairyDogMother11]

I've had this, sort of. I'm 23 and my partner and I bought our house last year. We didn't have any help towards our deposit etc. and we both still have holidays/trips away/days out. People always say things like "how do you afford that?" and I just point out that "I'm boring and never go out drinking, remember". They routinely spend £100 a week on nights out, and if they didn't do it half as often for as long as I didn't, they'd have a house deposit as well. It's just what you consider to be important. I've never been much of a going out drinking person, so it was more important to me to have a comfy home and nice holidays.