To think my friends could have what we have, if they stopped being so reckless

[Whatwhatinthewhatnow]

My married friends earn a huge amount of money between them. One alone earns our combined wage when I was working. Their childcare costs are paid by family. Their substantial house deposit came from family. Their 2015 car is on finance and they never go on holiday.

I drive an old banger, live in a tiny flat which needs redecorating, I need new furniture etc, I don't get my hair cut or nails done, clothes from ebay etc but we do take short breaks in the UK in cheap caravans.

Friends constantly josh us about being "rich" and "lucky" because I don't work and are still able to go on holiday/have days out (it wasn't cost effective for me to return to work and we don't get any help ie tax credits etc). I often get jokey messages about what amazing lunch I'm eating that day during my lady of leisure time (it's egg on toast! Ha!) To keep costs down I cook a lot of cheap meals from scratch, don't get microwave things and try and bulk up with veg. They get take aways most nights. Their new cordless Hoover cost what our week away cost. If fact it probably cost the same as our car !

They could have one parent at home and holidays if they were willing to budget and sort themselves out. Just because we go without luxuries doesn't make us rich. They wouldn't want "what we have" I'm sure, because my car hasn't got a radio let alone heated seats!

I like these guys but their assumption that our lifestyle is unattainable is ridiculous. They just done want to go without. Give me some come backs mumsnet!

[rookiemere]

I like Coffeetasteslikeshit's response:
Just smile and say "Not lucky at all, it's all about priorities isn't it?".

Have you ever pointed out that it's not financially viable for you to go back to work to them?
It seems a weird sort of friendship where one half of it spends their time making snidey comments. I think maybe they think they are being funny and jocular and don't realise that you don't appreciate it, so maybe a quiet comeback every time they say/text something is appropriate.

[BarbaraofSeville]

I know what you mean but people are different. We all have different priorities and are probably divided into broadly 3 catergories, those who can't even afford the basics, those who can afford whatever they want, when they want, even if it is a family home in London and a yacht, and everyone else.

Most people are probably everyone else, and we can afford some things but not everything so we have to pick and choose and there will be some element of compromise and sacrifice, whether it be quality, quantity or time/effort (eg cooking from scratch rather than takeaways or ready meals). Very very few people can have everything they want at all times.

People look at us and think - oh, you're going on holiday again? We do have 3 or 4 foreign holidays a year, plus a couple of UK breaks but we go at cheap times of the year and don't spend a huge amount on accomodation - eg we went to the Canaries in early December and the flights and accomodation cost less than £400 for a week.

But they don't always notice what you don't buy, or maybe they do - I don't wear makeup and buy just face wash and cream in Aldi. I cut my own hair and almost never have any waxing or other beauty treatments apart from eyebrow threading when I can be arsed, which is about once every other year. I've probably spent less on this sort of stuff in the last 20 years than other women spend in a month.

We are lucky to have a very cheap mortgage but part of that is because we didn't buy the biggest most expensive house we could afford and we are too lazy to haven't really gone in for all the decorating or house styling that a lot of people do.

New cars and the latest TVs or phones are very expensive. Takeaways cost a lot more than home cooking. If you have all those, you are often giving up the opportunity to go on holiday or work less.

[MonanaGeller]

If they haven't made the connection already that spending more = having less I very much doubt they ever will. Maybe buy them a calculator and a copy of 'My Big Book of Easy Sums' and see if that helps them work out where their money goes

[TwentyChews]

To be honest it sounds like they need new friends as well. OP is not exactly being nice about them either is she - just her snipey comments are behind their backs.

[RandomMess]

"Well if you didn't spend all your disposable income on your addiction to consumerism you could be a SAHP too, horses for courses innit"

[StrangeLookingParasite]

Perhaps they are happy the way they are and don't want to live the way you do.

Except for the part where they keep saying they want to.

You think they're reckless and snigger at how they spend their money.

Only in response to constant critical remarks.

[Gutted2016]

Making jokes about OPs situation isn't really that nice though is it. Like someone said upthread, they must have seen her car and flat and KNOW she isn't rich. Especially if she's a SAHP, and insinuating she's a lady of leisure too. Sounds like jealousy to me.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I think you are kidding yourself if you don't think they already realise all of this. Its just conversation and something people say, usually when they are patronising you or trying to make you feel better for not having the latest gadget, TV, holiday abroad because they value these things instead.

Don't over think it.

[Fluffycloudland77]

People are horrible & best avoided.

I prefer my cats company to a lot of people.

[TrustySnail]

Is there any way this could be a patronising attempt on their behalf to make you feel better?

That is, they mistakenly imagine you must be green with envy at their more expensive lifestyle, so they think they have to go on all the time about how great they think yours is, just so you don't feel bad?

[rollonthesummer]

I would say-'I'm hardly rich-we live in a tiny flat that needs decorating and drive an old car!' and if they bring it up again, would say 'why are you still banging on about me being rich?!' And repeat...!

If they still say it-find nicer friends.

[kaitlinktm]

I try not to mention that I don't go on holiday - haven't gone on a proper one for 12+ years now - because it is my choice. I don't have a lot of disposable income now and I choose to spend it on making my day-to-day life pleasanter rather than an annual holiday (although I do sometimes spend a few days with friends in the UK).

People just think I'm boring which is fair enough, but it's my choice. TBH I find it really boring listening to descriptions of other people's holidays and looking at holiday photos (although I do like to see photos of people). Horses for courses.

[OurBlanche]

To be honest it sounds like they need new friends as well. OP is not exactly being nice about them either is she - just her snipey comments are behind their backs. It might seem like that from here Twenty but I think there may be more irritation and bewilderment in OP than true sniping.

FecklessBIL and PoisonousSIL are like this. They remortgaged every year, as their house gained value, to go on all inclusive holidays in the sun, get a new car every 3 years, she went part time, cos she fancied it - no kids, they 'acquired' £30K of MILS money and never paid it back... they were relentless in their pursuit of happiness, even quoting some stupid song about living for today, that's why it is called The Present [puking]

Then, when we had lived in a tiny flat, put ourselves through university, 9 years on a single wage, sold said flat, started renting, relaxed into new jobs... they came to us with their hands out. First contact in 15 years was to arrive and cry at DH, a £20K tap for cash.

His response was short... whilst you were sunning yourselves in Cuba, living the high life, I was stood at the side of a railway at 2 am in the freezing rain, earning the cash you want me to give you. No... not now, not ever!

He had phone calls from their uncle, telling him not to be so mean!

Sometimes such friends and relatives live in a more than just 'diferent' way, sometimes they are so entitled, deluded, selfish... clueless, they beggar belief!

[areyoubeingserviced]

Agree that it is a patronising attempt to make you feel better. They probably think that you envy them

[HardofCleaning]

I know some people that always say they desperately want to send their children to private school (to be fair their alternative is pretty bad) but couldn't possibly afford it. They go on about 3 or 4 holidays a year, run two nice cars, all take private sports and music lessons each week (they must spend at least £300 a week on private lessons), have an enormous house. Always have nice haircuts and the best clothes and sports equipment.

To be fair I think once people are used to a certain amount of disposable income it becomes inconceivable for them to cut back. I knew one person who couldn't possibly imagine travelling economy they just said the whole holiday would be ruined as it'd be so uncomfortable. I'm actually really grateful that I haven't developed too many expensive habits.

[LoupGarou]

Also agree about it being an attempt to make you feel better.

[Emmageddon]

Do they seriously comment about you having an amazing lunch when it's egg on toast? Sounds like sarcasm to me. They probably think you are jealous of them, in your tiny undecorated flat, with your old banger and caravan holidays, and the jokey comments about envying your lifestyle are subtly taking the piss.

You need new friends, ones that don't judge others by the way they live their lives.

[Whatwhatinthewhatnow]

I don't think it's that. They genuinely consider themselves to be poor. They are always saying they never have any money and how they wish they could go out more, even though I think they go out quite a lot, at least once a week - but my barometer might be different as I only go out once every couple of months. They always have gig tickets and comedy tickets where as my going out is more of a voucher jobbie at pizza express! Maybe I present as being richer than I am (hopeful)

[Badders123]

Yeah
I've had this too.
TBH it doesn't bother me. Once people show you their true nature it's easy to decide wether you want that person in your life - or not!
A school mum I know often makes sly little digs BUT they are just buying a house for £350k (just down the road from me), she drives a new car, they go abroad at least once a year.
My car is 11 years old, we go away in the uk for a week, and our house cost half what theirs did.

We don't smoke, drink (much) or have pets so our spare income is spent on providing things for our kids like swimming and music lessons and in putting some savings together for their future.

[Plsadvise]

Have you tried coming back with an outright lie? Said in a sarcastic tone? Somrthing along the lines of

"yes, we were so lucky to win the lottery but we just love the small flat, car and aldi shopping so much we couldn't give it up for a mansion in Barbados. Drinking cocktails all day gets so boring after a while don't you agree"

[Baylisiana]

a good financial position is not a matter of luck (except of course for us landlords who get given our houses free. It must be right, MN says so...)

Why not share a few more details special so that MN can make an informed decision about whether any luck was involved?

For example, have you ever been lucky enough to be physically and/or mentally capable of getting paid work?

[Fluffycloudland77]

I get jealousy off family when I buy something nice but I save & go without things for me to afford them.

[seafoodeatit]

I would continue as you are and see them less and less/not at all! It's almost as if they're desperate for you to say oh no don't be so silly I'm so poor and you're so fabulously wealthy with all of your purchased goods and objects, let them fish for complements elsewhere or whatever it is that's motivating them.

[Whatwhatinthewhatnow]

Part of me wonders if neither parent actually wanted to stay at home (which is fair enough, it's not for everybody) but they don't know me well enough and might think I'd judge them for that - and so make a big show of how lucky I am to be in that position.

I don't know.

[angeldelightedme]

Agree that it is a patronising attempt to make you feel better.

^This^

and if,as you say, their salaries are so high, the loss of one of them is a substantial ongoing detriment to their income, dwarfing the cost of one-off purchases of techy gadgets and furniture