Desperate plea for money - WWYD

[Bittornhelp]

More of a WWYD really - OH and I are feeling very torn. NC'd as potentially identifying....

Sorry it's a bit long - I've tried to summarise the story to date without drip feeding - I fully appreciate that I only have OH's side of the story in this, as we only met a couple of years after much of this took place. However, we've been together ten years, and I would trust his word as he sees it.

OH separated from his first wife in 2006 - they'd been together ten years, but mostly unhappily. OH stayed so long for her two children, who were about 2 and 3 when they got together, and who he saw as his own. ExW was by all accounts not the most stable of individuals - would dramatically estrange herself from friends and family the most trivial of reasons, and was often emotionally manipulative / abusive towards OH. She also had issues with reckless expenditure - examples being blowing a £60k inheritance, and repeatedly running up credit card debt that OH at one point risked bankruptcy over in trying to pay off (just to fill in the gaps, she was a SAHM for all this period). OH paid the mortgage and put the children through private school - when they finally did split, he basically walked away with nothing. ExW immediately blocked all access to the children - and OH had no right to access, given they were neither biologically or legally his own. I know that losing access to them was and remains one of the greatest pains and regrets of his life.

A few years down the line the younger son (will call DS for ease) then about 17 or 18 got back in touch via social media - which OH was delighted by. As teens do, DS would ask for money from time to time; an uncharitable person might say he asked for money every time he was in touch. OH would always oblige - partly out of guilt at how things ended, partly in the hope that this might act as a "bridge" back into face-to-face contact one day.

Now the DS is 22, and despite having asked for and received money on an ad hoc basis for all these years (probably talking about £1,000 "pocket money" a year), has never committed to the beers or football matches etc OH has on several occasion gently suggested - contact has only ever been via email for all this time. After their last exchange when OH coughed up for driving lessons, OH decided that this would be the last time he paid out, given that DS is now an adult at 22, and the relationship he had hoped might one day result in doing so hasn't come about.

Anyway, to the dilemma at hand - the other day out of the blue we got this:

Hi Dad, would you be able to give me some more financial support ASAP, with me and mum living at 's and basically being homeless I'm seriously struggling now, got credit cards and overdrafts to pay off and I'm seriously starting to have a breakdown. I have no one else to ask and I feel bad enough having to ask.

In previous communications, he had mentioned that ExW lost the house "for no reason", and that they were then evicted from emergency accommodation because the landlord apparently "changed his mind". AFAIK, he and ExW are now crammed in with a family friend, with no prospect of moving on any time soon. The presumption is that ExW didn't keep up with mortgage or rental payments - though OH had left her with 6-figure equity in the house. OH also strongly suspects that DS has gotten himself into debt by putting his wages towards ExW's living costs, as he has said that ExW now has depression and (still) can't work. He's also said that the older sister had just escaped an abusive relationship, is now a single mum, and also has depression (I'm not sure what her living circumstances are), and that he is struggling to stay positive for everyone.

By all accounts he is and always was a nice lad - I'll admit to having a look at his Facebook profile, and he looks a lovely young man, very sporty, involved in the community and a very hand-on uncle, who it sounds has been dealt a shit hand due to ExW's financial situation and has perhaps found himself in over his head as a result.

However, he also sounds quite immature where finances are concerned, and in need more of some proper financial advice than he is more cash at this time - OH (in the right industry to advise) is more than willing to provide practical advice in how he can get best get the situation under control, and wants to ask for a face-to-face meeting to help him talk things through and advise on next steps. He's wary of providing further financial support for all the obvious reasons - i.e. potentially being played, money likely diverting towards ExW, cash in the short-term just proving a drop in the ocean, and not really helping DS in terms of life lessons in the long run anyway, etc....

That said, in DS's last communication a couple of months ago he was cheerily asking for driving lessons, not in the midst of a full-blown debt crisis - so who's to say any of the above is even true...? There wasn't even a "please"...

It's hard to know at a distance quite what to believe and what to do to help....

WWYD for the best in this situation please??

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I would advocate some face to face meetings with this prodigal son and building up some sort of relationship. That seems essential before any more financial help is given.

It's been a long time since they were together in the same room. The step son is an adult now and I expect completely changed from when your husband knew him. It's near on impossible to judge a person's authenticity through messages or FB posts. However pleasant he may seem, it's bloody rude to keep requesting handouts but make no effort to form a relationship with your husband.

If he is willing to get to know you both and accept your advice, then some financial assistance could be considered, if you can afford it. The ex seems to have an unhealthy relationship with her son, relying on him perhaps too much. The best scenario would be for him to move out and extract himself from a life so entwined with his mother.

He can apparently afford a car if has had lessons? And working? I find some of his reasons for wanting money a little unbelievable. He's at the point of breaking down but is happily posting his social life on FB?

I'm interested to know if your husband has made any attempt to get in touch with his 'step daughter' now she is an adult? Especially if she is still close to her brother.

[Timeforteaplease]

I would remove the comment and my hopes that we might one day rebuild our relationship still hasn’t happened.
That could be construed as you were trying to buy a relationship with him.
But otherwise, it's a great letter.

[lunchboxtroubles]

Would you offer to have him live with you?

[ThomasHardyPerennial]

That email is really patronising op! It sounds really judgmental, and I'm sure that isn't the tone you were both aiming for.

[sonjadog]

Sorry I meant from "It sounds from your tone that her situation..." and to the rest of the paragraph should be cut out.

Also, I agree with the others that the bit about the hope of rebuilding the relationship should be cut out too.

[NapQueen]

Anyone else cynical like me and wonder if this is the ex wife pretending to be the son?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I have been thinking about this and have come to the conclusion that the requests for money may well have come from the mother rather than him.

Funny how they started just around the time when any CB and CTC would stop being paid for the lad.......

[Allalonenow]

That's a very good reply to the son, calm and friendly.

The only change I would make would be to leave out the section about hopes for a relationship having not been fulfilled.

[RogueStar01]

Nap I do think the lack of meet ups rings alarm bells tbh.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think the email is quite sensitively written and not patronising at all.

Let's not forget, this step son is starting to take the piss now.. working full time, with a car and pleading poverty.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

x poxg nap

I do think it is the son getting in touch but after pressure from his mother.

[fifitrixibellethe1st]

If all communication has been by email, how do you even know for sure that it is OH's DS that your OH has been communicating with?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

poxg?! post!

[Touchmybum]

I would not be happy that he has kept taking and taking money, yet hasn't bothered his backside to meet up with your DH. Tell him to contact Stepchange.

[Sundance01]

I'm another one saying - ask to meet up and get full information on what debts etc etc. Would also be worth your DH explaining to him how he feels about the possibility of being used.

[RogueStar01]

Does the son have a facebook page you can find and email him directly on that?

[Bittornhelp]

Thanks for the feedback all.

NapQueen nothing's impossible! However, there was one point a few years ago where ExW and daughter cottoned on to the emails, and both rang up screaming at OH's elderly DM (the last contact number they had for him), then sent a load of sweary emails telling him to stay away.

Contact cooled for a while after that, and then picked up again later on DS's instigation.

[steppemum]

All my instincts say no way.

BUT if they are on the last step before homelessness (and they maybe) I would feel awful if anything were to happen.

So, I think the compromise would be to offer conrete things, not money.
so -
financial advice, setting budgets, help with sorting bank accounts consolidating debts etc. But no cash
for the sister, offer to buy nappies for the next 6 months
help them to refer to debt charities, help him work out how to find a job, rent a room, get himself sorted. It sounds as if he is better off away from mum.
Maybe buying the occasional bag of food etc

But all of that requires face to face contact and lots of input to both kids over months. Which I think I would give, if it would help.

I would not be giving money.

[Bittornhelp]

He doesn't have a car - ExW does though, but doesn't want to take him out in it as apparently she thinks lessons will "instill good habits".

At the time, we had an old banger (but a pretty good one) that we would have been prepared to give him and have OH drive up to teach him in, but when OH offered to help him in person it went all quiet.

So no free driving lessons, and no free car (not that he knew that was on the card) for DS.

[walkinganhouraday]

That is an excellent letter.
I can't stress enough how unhealthy this situation is and have been there myself. My DH had very similar ExW - he carried on paying for mortgage and her (brand new, updated) car even after she married again and had another child!
She is now in her late 50s and has never worked or tried to get herself out of her own financial mess and the chickens are coming home to roost. Last year she asked my DH (they have been divorced since 1997) if he could 'lend' her £30k as a deposit on new house with husband!
It needs to be nipped in the bud, he has more than fulfilled any obligations to his ExW and the children.

[Bluntness100]

The email overall is fine, but I don't think uou need to say it may be because of his mum or tell him to wake up and smell the coffee or say about the relationship , sounds like blackmail strop.

I'd remove those bits. They are not needed and just rub salt in.

For the record I think the mum is behind this.

[RogueStar01]

it could be that his mum and sister are making any contact with DH really difficult for the DS and that's why he doesn't want to meet in person. They clearly have a strong hold over him if they were willing to ring up screeching over some emails. It's just possible the DS is in a really hard position with his mum and sister as they don't want him to have any relation with your DP.

[Stormtreader]

I think it is a good email until the last bit, from "It sounds like your situation.." to the end of that paragraph. I think that bit will get his back up as it a very obviously a criticism of his mother, and I think it will take away the power of the rest of the email. Nor do I think it is necessary for you to include that part - what you have written about distancing himself at the start of that paragraph is enough to get the message across.

Agreed, drop this part out. He needs to make these kinds of decisions and realisations on his own, its coming across as "you wouldnt even be in this situation if it wasnt for her"

[shovetheholly]

I agree with PPs that an entirely new plan is needed to set this young man on his feet. This may actually involve considerably more work than just flinging money at the issue. I think your email is good, though I agree with others that references to the relationship with his Dad and to the conduct of the exW should be removed.

[Dulcimena]

No.

I really feel for your OH, but this young man doesn't see him as a "dad", he sees him as a cash cow. If it even is the son contacting him. 10 years and no face to face contact at all? Have they even spoken on the phone? For all of your sakes he needs to distance himself from this, handing over money is just enabling.